How To Be Yourself In A Relationship

New relationships can be tricky. Sometimes, you find yourself displaying the highest levels of intimacy with someone who was merely a stranger a few months ago.

It goes to show that the more time you spend with someone, the more you begin to open up and become more authentic. But for some, including myself, I found it incredibly difficult to lower my guard and express a more vulnerable side to my partner, especially during the initial stages of our relationship.

My exterior was oftentimes quite frigid and I appeared emotionless at times, all in an attempt to conceal my softer side. There was an innate fear that if they got to know me, the real me, they would no longer want to be with me.

I believed that they would find me too annoying or too emotional. So, as a result, I found myself portraying a version of myself that I believed my partner would like.

As a society, we like to abandon labels and disregard stereotypes, and for good reason too. However, I can’t help but feel that many of us tend to resort back to our assigned stereotypes to appease our partners. Women may tend to become more submissive and agreeable in an attempt to please their partners. And men may try to portray a confident and masculine exterior to impress their companion. Since we were young, we were led to believe that certain behavioural characteristics would be deemed as more favourable to the opposite sex.

At least that’s the mindset I had at the time. One of the traits I associated with being masculine was suppressing any forms of weakness or vulnerability. In doing so, I had created an emotional distance between myself and my partner.

I think that’s a trap a lot of men (and women) fall into. We believe that conveying a “tougher” demeanour would make us more desirable in our partner’s eyes. In reality, we end up depriving them of the emotional connections needed to form the foundation of the relationship.

We then suffer the consequences of doing so. This could come in the form of cheating, short-term relationships or consistent arguments. I always thought one had to be perfect when in a relationship. That you weren’t supposed to show any flaws and that there was always somebody better. And I had to be the best.

Being yourself in any scenario is difficult. Even for the people who swear they are authentic at all times. So, let’s dive deeper into the reasons why we do this.

This goes back to what I was saying previously. The fear of being exposed. The fear of people seeing you for who you truly are and not liking you for it. While you believe that this version of yourself is appealing to others, you’ll soon realise that rather than establishing connections, you are building barriers between yourself and the ones you care for. And it affects your relationships.

One thing that helped me relax was realising that my partner had to be attracted to something about me. Whether you approached them or they approached you, your partner saw something in you that separated you from the rest, something unique in you that stood out. Simple being you was enough to grab their attention.

You don’t have to have it all figured out. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is learning to help each other grow and be better. You should be with people who love you for you. If you find yourself in a scenario where that is not the case, or you are encouraged to not be yourself, then that person is simply not for you.

Try not to overthink things. Your partner is with you for a reason and you are fine just the way you are.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are”

-Marilyn Monroe