The day that I lost myself, was the day I had given up. Dressed in white, knowing they’re all waiting to see me, but not really caring to actually see me as a person. They only wanted to see the bride. They wanted to talk about the dress, and makeup. I meant nothing to anyone there, and it hurt. I was nothing.
It was a room filled with selfish souls I no longer cared for. Knowing not a soul in that room cared, I wanted to run away so bad. I wanted to escape. I was praying I’d wake up, and breathe a sigh of relief realizing it had all been a nightmare. Sadly, it had all been real. It was too real for me to comprehend anymore. I felt like a voodoo doll being dragged from one place to another. I was losing my voice. I had lost my freedom. That night, I got married.
Med had been a liar all along, but I was really just a naive child at the time. I believed his lies. Even when I’d question him, he would get angry with me, so I would then apologize for the accusations. I believe that was when the abuse really started. I felt crazy, paranoid, anxious, afraid, trapped and lost. If only I had known then, what I know now. I would explain to my lost soul that it was never my fault.
As a victim, you’ll feel like you are always to blame. It takes a lot to snap out of the spell a narcissist can put on you. Even the people I loved and cared for most hadn’t looked me in the eyes once. I needed someone. Anyone. I was losing who I once was, and what hurt me the most was that no one noticed my silent cries for help.
I poured my heart out to the one person I thought could help me before the wedding. I cried, and I pled. I explained how much I had grown to despise that man, yet it wasn’t enough. I knew I’d be miserable, and I was desperate for any way out. The one person I thought could help, told me I had no other choice but to stay with that man. Again, I lost myself.
These fake people around me all seemed so happy. They were all dancing, and singing, while my soul was slowly wilting away. They were all so fake. How could they not have seen the pain in my eyes? Maybe they did, but chose to leave me in my time kf need. I felt like I had no other choice, so I tried to look as alive as possible, when really it felt like I was at my own funeral.
One of the reasons I’m choosing to write my story now, is to give myself closure. Nearly 5 years later, I’m trying to relive one of the worst nights of my life, only to find myself and help ‘her’. She is still there, and she is terrified. She is I. I’m going to take her by the hand, and show her what a strong woman she is. I’m going to show her everything she’s accomplished, and tell her the amazing life that awaits her. I will never let another soul make me feel unworthy of love or peace. I will find my peace through writing my story.
One piece of advice I have from part 2 of my story, is as alone as you may feel, you’ll always have yourself. It took me 5 years to really understand that, and it was mainly because of everything I was forced to face alone. I’m almost there, and I can’t wait to share the rest of my story with everyone. I’m my own hero, and I’ve never been more proud.
Keep in mind, at the time I had dropped out of high school to sit at home as just a belonging to this man. I went from somebody’s to an independent somebody. If I can do it, I believe that anyone can!
In part 3 I will share the traumatic experience that flipped my life upside down, along with a beautiful blessing that changed me forever. If you’re following along, I thank you for being a part of my healing.
Keep in mind that healing is not easy, and it is something you can’t plan. That doesn’t mean you should ever give up! You need to stay strong and master patience. Some days will definitely be harder than others, and you’ll find yourself asking a lot questions. After traumatic events you’ll deal with a lot of denial, and only little progress. You need to know healing takes time.
I got married in January 2016. My healing only started in March of 2020. It took four long, hard years of denial, pain and suffering for me to start seeing the light. Was it worth it? Definitely. You’ll notice as you read along that things got worse before there was a chance for things to get better. I had to practice patience, and put all the faith I had left in myself. I had to let go of people I thought cared for me. It was never a loss, because along the way I met people who would change my life forever. I became the strongest woman I know!
About the Creator
Zeinab
I’m aspiring to be an awesome journalist. I hope you enjoy my writing.
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