Hello, Diary. Its Me Again.

January 8th -

He's not talking to me again. Maybe he is bored. I also think he is battling depression again, too, and I am miserable as a result. He went on a cleaning spree without me home which is never good. I came home to mounds of clothes on the couch when I walked through the door. I knew what I was in for. The rest of the day will be crap. No hello or how was your day. He said I want those all folded and put away. I hate when he washes my clothes because he doesn't pay attention to how they should be washed or the mixing of colors. In fact, I have begged him not to wash my clothes, but when he gets like this he does not listen. I am grateful for the help. Don't get me wrong but walking in from a long day at work to a huge pile of clothes and him barking a command makes it feel like a punishment. The message was loud and clear. If I could learn to work all day and keep a perfect house, he would be happy. He does not say this. This is just how I feel. I am so sad and broken right now. I need some hope to hang on to.

We went to church and I stayed after the service to get prayer. When we got home, he said I want you to clean your mom's area so she has a space. My mom was coming to stay with us. He said it in a nice way, but it was still one more thing. Please know that I want to help my husband and work together with him, but this didn't feel like that. Things had been right between us for like a week. Then I made the mistake of trying to tell him how I was feeling. That didn't work out well for me. I told him that I work hard all week and when he gives me task after task it makes me feel like he is upset with me and this is my punishment. He threw everything back on me saying that he never said that (which I knew). He is enraged now and firmly asking me what the hell is wrong with me? He didn't just ask it as a rhetorical question. He asked me that same question over and over again expecting me to answer. I didn't know what to say, so I started to cry. My three year old son looks at me and says yeah, what's the matter with you? My son's eyebrows were furrowed as he stared at me. Not acceptable to me. So, despite how scare of my husband I was I looked at our son and said that he could not speak to women that way.

I have this one-page miracle I typed up. One of the things on that page is for me not to cry so easily. I failed miserably today. I wish I could communicate with him, but I can't so I will quit trying. Fake it until you make it, right? I must learn not to tell him how I truly feel - even if he asks. I know I will lose myself if I do this, but it is worth it to keep the peace. I am sure after a few years it will be natural to me. I have to find a good friend that I can tell to them what I want to say to my husband. I will also have to make that friend promise they won't suggest I talk to my husband because been there done that. Even after all this, I still think I was destined to be with my husband. I just haven't figured out why I have to lose myself to be with him.

I must go through everyday remembering not to be my true self. I must become a yes girl. Cook, clean, sex. I was brave and told him that he hasn't touched me in over a week. He looked at me and said I told you over a week ago I wanted sex. He says no more because he's disgusted at me. I guess he wanted me to initiate it. I tried to apologize, but it was too late. The damage was done and he was mad at me again. Now I don't know what to do. I need a place to go in my head. A place where everything is okay and he treats me like he cares that I am sad. A special place.