Hello Diary - Am I the Crazy One?
Confessions of a sad wife
January 15 -
Dear Diary - I had another argument with my husband. This time it was over me wanting to help my mom out. I am an only child and I want to create a burial fund for my mother to use when the time comes. My cousin, my mom, and me would pay into the fund. I told my husband I want to do this so I don't end up in the same situation as my cousin has with her father's passing. My husband hates for me to spend money, and trust me, he rarely lets me. It seems a bit lopsided as it seems he can take his friends to lunch, and buy various things without even telling me. Yet, I cannot buy a KitKat bar without asking him first, and God forbid I paid for a group of friends lunch. So, as not to do it behind his back I asked him if I could do this for my mom. He immediately said no. He said it is not my responsibility to take care of my mother. See, my husband is not close to his family so his view of this situation is a bit skewed. I explained to my husband as an only child I feel it does fall on me. My mother is not wealthy and my father wasn't wealthy when he passed. So, she doesn't have the means to do it herself. She is not well enough to still work, and is on disability too. He said it was all excuses, but if I wanted to be a door mat than go ahead and do it.
Of course, during the argument I started to cry because I can never win, even when my intentions are good, and I feel I am never heard. I know it sounds like I won, but if I do what he says I can do it will not end well for me. My husband hates when I cry and it just ends up making him more upset, that is never my intention, but it seems to be a spiral I cannot make stop. While crying I am still trying to explain myself and while explaining myself my voice inevitably raises, and of course, my husband remains eerily calm. I feel he is calm because he doesn't care about my opinion. He will calmly say to me that you are raising your voice and I would appreciate it if you did not. I will force myself to stop crying and speak more evenly, but by that time I have lost the battle. Sometimes I feel like we are on TV and the audience watching is thinking I am the crazy one. I don't want to be the crazy one anymore. I love my husband. I really do, but times like these makes it hard to believe that we will be happy for years to come. I rarely feel heard and I feel like I don't have any rights. None of that matters because I am going to do everything I can to keep this marriage together.
After the argument I go for a walk and cry again. I am just so incredibly sad. Meanwhile, my husband has moved on, and for me I am gut punched. I feel myself spiraling into negative self-talk and I fight back with prayer, and I talk back to the negative thoughts in my head. I am a good person. I am smart. I have my pretty moments too. It's going to be okay. I walk back to the house hoping to wrap my arms around my husband and give me a big kiss. Hopefully he lets me.
We made up, thank goodness. I think it was because I made a choice to not make an issue out of it. I love him so much and would do anything to make him happy. Here's to moving on with my man. Thanks for listening Diary. I really appreciate it.