Heartbreak, Loss and Growth

This is hard for me to type, I never thought this would be something I would ever have to write but I think it provides a lot of life lessons for relationships. Not just for myself but for anyone wanting to be in a relationship themselves.

This story takes place over a two month period. How something so short can create so much happiness and so much pain at the same time.

My First Boyfriend

I'll start with the backstory before this all began. It all starts with me, being an in long-term and a long-distance relationship with someone for around three years. We were happy but it got to the point in the relationship where I didn't feel as happy and in love with this other people. But I want to make it work because we had been together for a long time, I couldn't just give up something I put so much investment into. I tried to keep going, but there got to a point where something clicked. Where I realised that I didn't love the person I was really with (this was at the end of August). My ex at the time was asking if I was going to come to visit, but in the mind, I could not imagine seeing them as I didn't feel the spark anymore. To be honest, it had been gone for a while, but I went anyway. I felt guilt-tripped into it due to him begging for me to visit and my Dad willing to pay for the trip. I was just too scared to say that I could be in this relationship anymore.

On the trip, I had some wonderful memories, somewhere I was crying in a bathroom by myself wishing I was home with my family after a fight with my ex. When I came back from the trip, everything went back to normal, I went back to my old life and so did he. This happened a lot after the year and a half mark of our relationship. I never really felt fully connected and would still crush on other guys while I was at home.

In October, I tried to break-up with him for the first time, but it was so hard to. he started crying and telling me what would my family think if I did this (his way of guilt tripping me). Well it worked, the guilt was eating me as I cried. I could face not hurting him, hurting his family and my own family. But also being scared of being alone as he would constantly say that no-one would ever love me than the way he did. I somehow got convinced it was true, so I gave the relationship another go.

He visited in February after my exams, the same exact thing happened. We had a great time together but we argued as well, but it felt we were more distant than we ever had before. I just wanted him to leave already, I couldn't take it at times. Before he left I was sad he was leaving, but after a few weeks, I was back to normal. It made me realise I was sad at the fact that he was gone. But I wasn't sad at the idea of being with him, I was able to be alone and do the things I always wanted to do without him watching me.

The New Guy

Fast forward from February to March. This is where everything changed. It all began after a social event for a society at my university. It was the first ever social our society had and I had a great time. This is where I first met this new guy, let's call him "T." I've known him since last September, but this was the first time I properly talked to him one-on-one in conversation or even noticed him as a person.

He only talked to me once that night, just asking about what I was doing the next day. I said I was going to an escape room, that’s where I found out he was a big fan of. I didn’t really talk to him after that and went home. A week later I started to notice him more and after our society hangout, I started talking to him on the way home as it was midnight. He sadly had to walk home because his buses weren’t running, I did have some interest and decided to talk to him as he was walking home.

He then asked me to hang out with him two days later which I was really surprised about. It was quite uncomfortable at first but I had a great time with him. That’s where my feelings started to develop, but it was all based on the assumption that I thought he had feelings for me too. I eventually confessed my feelings to him a week later and surprisingly enough he felt the same and was surprised I had these feelings. Only issue was I was still in a relationship, even though he was fine with it which was really odd. This person in a sense finally allowed myself to let go of my ex, but I obviously cheated which didn’t make the situation worse.

I can never say that the actions that took place where justifiable, they weren’t. I should have had the guts to break-up with my partner before this happened. But due to that relationship being my first, I had no experience with leaving a partner, while the guilt of even doing it ate me alive. I sadly bite the bullet and told my partner, it was one of the worst feelings in my whole life but I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I sadly was in a mentally abusive relationship which all my friends could see. I just had to get out of it in the wrong way.

After that all happened, T and I started to get to know each other. It was great, it felt different and I was feeling the spark that I had never felt before. I got to know him better and found out he had depression and bad anxiety. I wanted to be able to help him but I didn’t have the experience if doing it with a person. We had rocky points during the time where for some reason I felt uncomfortable being around him in public, but the only reason was that I had been in an LDR for three years and had no real experience of PDA with my previous partner. I wasn’t used to it. However everything got worse by the middle of April, I experienced him having his first panic attack and I wasn’t able to help him. I was so mad at myself at the whole thing that it made it just worse. He broke up with that day and it just broke me because I at that point I was actually in love with him. However this isn’t the reason I lost him, this day came straight after my birthday (What could get any worse). He felt shit that day and I was trying to help him but I sadly just made it worse. I asked to come to see him but he had a arrange meeting with friends that he couldn’t miss. I told him that I felt better talking to him in person because I could better express my feelings. But he couldn’t do it.

I said something I shouldn’t have said that day that I will forever regret, but it didn't matter anyway. I told him he shouldn’t talk to me when he feels shit, worst mistake I’ve ever made. That’s when everything hit me. The next day he wanted to meet up with me to talk but I said I was busy to meet. That’s when everything came out

He told me it was over between us, that I couldn’t support him in the way that he needed which was completely understandable. That there was no connection between us anymore and that this whole situation was making him more depressed. It just made me numb, I begged but there was no use. I didn’t take it well though, I kept trying to convince him. Only till now while writing this I have accepted everything that has happened. But one thing was still not adding up.

The Secret

I got to the point where I could except the main reason for breaking up with me which was because of not giving him the support he needed. But something in my head felt there was something left being unsaid. I had to get my friend to figure it out for me. I told her the whole story, she was also confused how he could lose a connection with me so quickly. He told me the connection was gone within three days, but that just seems so quick when he was acting in love with me about two weeks before. So I knew something wasn’t adding up. My friend basically just said it straight to me that he could have feelings for someone else. I just couldn’t believe it would be true.

But it was, it broke me more than any other thing he said to me. It made sense now that he had doubts through this whole relationship. I just couldn't believe he would hide it from me and I had to crack him in order to get the information. He kept saying it was irrelevant but it was definitely a factor in all of this, obviously not related to the main issue.

A piece of me died that day, knowing he could just keep that a secret as we try to move on. I just never expected that from him because from the start he wanted me to be honest, even though he wasn’t being honest in this situation. But then again I had to come and realise I did the same with my ex and him. The difference was he was able to ask the same day I said it was over rather than two weeks later.

It made sense, they had more things in common. He would go to her for advice. I couldn't win with that. I just hate the fact he made me fall in love with him. And that I feel he had feelings for her the whole time we were together because he had doubts about our relationship for quite a while. I never thought it would happen to me.

If it was the case were both her and I both had similar feelings and he picked her over me, I would have been fine with it. As I wouldn't have felt in love with him and would be able to move on quicker. But being in love with him made it ten times worse.

From today I’ve realised I need to move on and be around people that make me happy. Also, I have learned a lot of lessons that I will take with me in my future of relationships. Not just with a partner but with friends and family too.

Lessons:

1. Never cheat.

• My excuse for cheating is still not justifiable. If you start having feelings with someone, you need to be honest with your partner at telling them straight away how you feel

2. Being Honest

• During my short second relationship, I learned to be more honest with my partner which helped the relationship connect better overall. While creating trust between your partner as well.

3. Never fall in love too quickly.

• I sadly made that mistake which I hope never to do again. I’m trying to protect my heart. Not to the point where I won’t date every gain, but so I can create a grounded friendship with a person first so I can really see if a relationship is meant to happen or not

4. Don’t put your partner on a pedestal.

• I never stated that much about the person. I saw him as this great guy who would always put other people first before himself and cared about what you were saying. I never really had that with my other relationship. But it wasn’t that special, although I made it be.
• I basically was praising him even though the only reason he was doing it because of the depression. He was sad, so he wanted to make others feel better so that they wouldn’t have to feel the way he was feeling.
• I had to realise he wasn’t that amazing, If though I couldn’t support him with his issues, he wasn’t trying to fix them. Seeing the person as they fully are, allows you to fully analyse them as a person and not create this idea of them being perfect when they aren’t

5. Even a person that is wonderful and caring can betray you.

• You can never really trust someone, to be honest. I learned that the hard way. I never suspected him to not tell me he had feelings for someone else and act as if it wasn’t even relevant to the whole situation.
• I lost some respect for him because I thought he was this wonderful person. Not saying he isn’t, but everyone isn’t perfect and you sadly have to move on from this and grow.

6. Fighting for what you love.

• I realised I knew I loved someone when I was doing everything I could to be with them, to prove how much I love them.

7. If someone wants to let you go, you need to straightaway let go of them.

• But I feel you should only do this once, if after that they have the same after of leaving you, then go. He doesn’t love you enough to want to make this work and you don’t want to waste your time, emotions and tears on a person that doesn't want to fight for you and this relationship to work
• You've done all you can do. The best thing you can do it move on and hope for the best for yourself and them in the future

8. Knowing When to Let Go

• This was the hardest part of this whole relationship. I had to realise he was breaking up with me so he could feel happier. I was creating pain intentionally, but it was because we weren’t adaptive enough as people to make the relationship work which I completely understand.
• He was breaking up with me so that he could be happy, but also allow myself to be happy. As he felt guilty I was trying to change to be the person that he needed. He didn’t want me to suffer with him and allow myself to grow and still be the person I am now. So I’m happy I realised his real intentions because they were good ones at heart.

Overall I hope for the best with him and his new love interest, I know I will always have a love for this person but I need to move on and enjoy my life to the fullest. If he decides to come back into my life then maybe it was meant to be. But for now, I need to concentrate on myself and learn from the mistakes I have made for future relationships to come.

I’m sorry this has been very long for something that has only lasted six weeks, but it was a big roller coaster for me. But I’ve hoped you’ve enjoyed the story and learned a few things yourself. If you need any more information, message me!