Heart Lost in Snow

I’ve put up an indestructible barrier that no one is able to cross, much less place a dent or a scratch. One that even shut out my loved ones and left them worried for my own wellbeing. Always unhappy, very dissatisfied, and alone. Something came over me and I began to wonder...

“What is love?”

Out of my little cubicle, I noticed it. Slowly but surely popping up in different areas where others resided.

Love.

Love had come crashing down my friends’ doors and I noticed the looks on their face when they finally found it. The way their smiles stretched ear to ear, the way love had brought out the best in them. It made me joyous and overwhelmed to know that something as good as that had been bestowed upon them.

Love.

It sparked curiosity in my young heart and I began to wonder, “When will I ever get to experience a love like that?” Of course, as I grew, I waited patiently; I occupied myself with school, assuming responsibility as a daughter, older sister, niece, granddaughter and student. I would be told that love would surely be around the corner, waiting for me. It was like they could almost guarantee that I'd receive it in no time, and to not fret. However, years have gone by, things in my life had gradually gotten worse, and I couldn’t help but notice, “where was the love that was waiting for me?” I would question why it hadn’t found me, which would lead to harsher questions such as, “Am I too ugly? Am I not good enough?”

“Don’t look for love, let it find you.” As I’m told by a friend who is happily married and has found herself through her significant other. “Before you know it, it’ll show right up at your door.”

There had come a time, however, that I was tired of waiting for it, and I broke down my walls and set off on my own. The quest was now to find the love that had gotten lost looking for me. I had nothing to guard myself with, I was vulnerable, and I headed out into the raging snow storm.

Times were surely gloomy, and it was undeniably cold and lonely. However, the fire known as “hope” was crackling violently in my chest. I was confident that I’d be able to find it myself and I could go back home with my love.

This quest had taken me four long years, and I still haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. Memories of my friends who were loved would discourage me instead. Past love interests that had come my way would wrap me up in a blanket, only to coerce me into their trap before severely beating and torturing my trust and hope, leaving me wounded and hurt. The fire in my chest that once illuminated the path had shrunk to the size of a tiny candle that would flicker, threatening to burn out. I had grown weary, cynical to the idea of love, and lost the majority of my hope, accepting the fact that I may not be one of the lucky ones to find what others had gotten so easily.

The kind of love that would wrap me up in its warm embrace against the stinging cold, kissing my skin. The love that would light the path to where I must go and guide me safely to my destination. The love that would finally make me forget my sorrows, remind me that there are things worth fighting for. The one that would be able to make me feel safe and secure against the cruel world.

But alas, I find myself worn, tired, and alone, and I trudged no longer in the snow and let myself sink into the ice. My hope is nothing but a weak ember, struggling to stay lit.

I set out, thinking that love had lost its way to me.

But I'm the one has gotten losttrying to find it.