Everyone has that dream at some point in their life. The dream where you are suddenly in a foreign place completely unknown to you and your past memories. Where you blink a couple times and look around so baffled and fuzzy in the brain that you rub your eyes thinking that it will help you focus more clearly. It doesn't though, just pushing more of the sleepy dust into your eye, making it water more. Confusing you even further. Almost to a panic. You tell yourself this is just a dream, this isn't real, take a deep breath, you can control this, find a point of reference. But there isn't a point of reference. Not one that is familiar to you at least. All you want to do is wake up, to pull the covers over your head and feel the safe familiarity of your home, your own bed, the smell of your perfume and conditioners mixed with cigarettes on your pillows. You yearn for that, try and reach out for it with your heart, scream at that distant memory to come back to you, like it's going to listen. And as that memory slowly fades from your confused brain, you finally realize the unnerving truth. You aren't dreaming, in fact you are in present time, the now, the painful heart-wrenching now. And you are alone.
That is how I've woken up too many mornings since I've began this journey. Almost a year and a half ago.
In such a panic. Not knowing where I was, not because of the one too many drinks the night before, I never allowed myself to become that intoxicated while traveling (Not very safe). But in a panic as a result of moving so much, from hotel to hotel, city to city, that I literally could not remember where I was when I awoke. I’d have to replay my every single memory of the night, walk myself through what happened, the exhaustion, the checking into a hotel, what hotel was I even staying at though? Eventually of course I'd figure it out, calm my heart rate, and sit up and start planning my day like I usually do every morning. Sometimes with a full itinerary and other days with not a damn thing, but I’d always find something of course.
But It wasn't until recently that I started longing for more. Longing to be able to sleep next to someone without fear of what they might do to me or steal from me. To be able to make plans with someone for the day and know they aren't going to flake on me and actually be excited to go do those normal things like grocery shopping, home depot, the little things that I used to enjoy with my significant other. Will that girl ever come back, the one that enjoyed those little tasks... I honestly don't know. And right now I'm okay with that unknown. It's not something I can control. So why even bother to try controlling that part?
I do know that I am over waking up in a panic, I don't want to do it anymore.
And what I do know is that whoever I choose to spend the rest of my life with, whatever we will do, it will side by side, as a team, and it will be epic.
Because WE are not here to be mediocre.
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