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Hard pill to swallow aka. Never the first choice…

You know, relationships are always a tricky thing. It doesn't matter if it's family relationships or friendships, neither of them is easier than the other. One of them is family by blood and the other one is family by choice, but maintaining a healthy relationship in general is a two way street.

By DoryPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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Hard pill to swallow aka. Never the first choice…
Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

You know, relationships are always a tricky thing. It doesn't matter if it's family relationships or friendships, neither of them is easier than the other. One of them is family by blood and the other one is family by choice, but maintaining a healthy relationship in general is a two way street.

I'm a person who puts other people's needs before her own ones and that for sure is the case in my relationships. I see red flags, but I have a skillset to acknowledge them and right away go colour blind. I see the best in people and expect them to be that. I know, that's me being overly naive and somewhat childlike, but at the same time I thought that if I don`t give the benefit of the doubt to others from the beginning, than I am the bad person. This is the way how I became from a "spiritual trashcan" to a real doormat for everyone around me. I was used to people dumping all their problems at me, because I was a "good listener" and "mature for my age" or "so wise". But I never expected to become trashed as soon as I wasn`t needed. 

You know the typical scenario; they have a problem, they come to me with it, I give an advice they take it and it works for them, but later on they never pick up the phone, never answer messages and when I need help, they are nowhere to be found. It became pretty usual really early on, but as time went on people started to take advantage of it and walk all over me, and I did let them… I thought this was part of a friendship, because I`ve never known better. It took me years, many heartbreaks and many hurt feelings to realize this wasn`t how it suppose to be. I didn`t learn it by experience, I learned it through other people`s experiences. Watching them, seeing their lives and the love people felt towards them, seeing that it was missing from mine. I didn`t want it though… I wanted to have it too, but until I didn`t realize what to change, it couldn`t improve…

You know, realizing that you are nobody`s favourite person, that you are nobody`s first or even second choice is a hard pill to swallow. We are not at school anymore, where it hurt our feels goods, if we weren`t picked first into the basketball team or at dodgeball, then there wasn`t much in stake. We grew up and nowadays it`s not on for a place in a team, we are "fighting" for love, attention and affection. We grew and we learned that even though, you bring all of these into the relationship, there is no guarantee that you will receive any. You can give and give, but still not get any. That`s the real hard hitting reality. 

I guess, after all these for a while I hit the exact opposite, I expected people to walk all over me and let them prove me wrong. Unfortunately, not many did… Also, it still didn`t solve my problem, I was still lonely, in pain, and emotionally starved. 

It also started the justifications, "if you just moved to another city, you would be happy" or "if you just let people in more, you would be loved more" and many more. I don`t think any of those would solve the problem, especially because I tried them and they failed. 

I learned one thing, I gained a skill. I learned how to be a good person and treat people right, even when I hurt more than anyone could imagine. There is a saying, "Hurt people, hurt people", which I think it`s really true. I didn`t want to do that, I didn`t want to "bleed on people, who never cut me". 

I might never be the first choice to anyone, but one day they might notice that I was there in their bests and in their worsts, that I was there even when others turned away. I can`t make their decision for them, but I can make my own to be a decent human being. My pain, my darkness, that had been caused won`t leave me, it became a part of me by now, but I can decide how I`m using it. I can either help others when they need it with my experiences and be the person who I needed myself in their situation, or project my pain on others. I will NOT do that!

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Dory

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