Happiness In Reach: Living With No Regrets

I moved to Philadelphia when I was 18 without looking back. There was a lot to look back to; I left networks of friends, deeply rooted family and a steady boyfriend I could have stayed close to if I had just stayed home.

Why not go to school in-state? Why do you want to go to school out of state? Why Philadelphia?

There were so many questions. I was able to come up with logical answers, but the real answer was that I needed to, with the core of my being. I had to get out of North Carolina. This felt as essential as breathing, and I couldn't explain why, not even to myself.

I knew I had to answer whatever was calling me to go see the world, live in a big city and have multitudes of new experiences. I had fantastical images of what my new life would be like. It would have been so easy to make the logical decision and go to school in-state. So, why didn't I?

At a certain point in my life, I internalized the fear of dying full of regret. Regret over love lost, life lost, roads not taken. Maybe I watched the Titanic one too many times, or read Robert Frost too much or saw too many romantic comedies. Likely a combination of the three was responsible for my fear of dying an old, bitter spinster.

By the time I was ready to go to college, I had a motto: no regrets.

I would make any decision knowing that if I chose to take the other road, I would always wonder what could have been. I blindly leaped into living in a brand new city, knowing absolutely no one and having no sense of how to exist in Philadelphia all due to a fear that I would croak,“ if only I had lived in Philadelphia during college,” right before I died.

After 5 years of living by no regrets, I've got news: living by this motto works. I am not encouraging you to quit your job, get a divorce or make a big decision based off of the idea of living life with no regrets. Let me tell you why it worked for me.

Forced Growth, Adaptation and Willingness to Fail

I did not always find great happiness or movie moments in my pursuit of my college dream. What I did find were experiences that could be upsetting or challenging in the moment, but forced me to grow. For example, my first week here I got lost on the bus in Northeast Philly. I was beyond terrified; I was a stranger in a strange place and I had no clue where I was, and no one nearby to help me.

I was also embarrassed; I had wanted to succeed at my task that morning, making it to volunteering. I instead ended up in a police station which I thought was a “safe” place, where my supervisor eventually picked me up. A month later, I could comfortably take the subway myself.

This story is funny now, just like the travel stories I have from co-op abroad in Argentina and roommate horror stories that are now good conversation fodder. Some of my experiences have been downright amazing. None of what I’ve lived through the past 5 years, partly alone, would have occurred had I not been willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow and succeed beyond my wildest dreams.

Learning Lessons the Hard Way

“No regrets?” I always asked myself this question before any big decision, including decisions in my love life. While I don’t have any regrets, because every person I’ve dated so far has shaped who I am today, I have a lot of negative experiences in the realm of love, relationships, and dating, (Spoiler alert: this is a common human experience). I continually put my heart on the line again and again in order to learn that:

• This guy isn’t different from the last, or the one before that, or the one before that. Actions speak louder than words.
• My worth is immeasurable.
• I will be met at the right time, in the right place by the right person.

I didn’t come by any of these lessons without a lot of heartache and tears that were the byproduct of not holding any part of my heart back.

Relentless Pursuit of Goals and Dreams

Anyone that knows me will tell you I am determined. I was hell bent on getting into medical school for the past 5 years. I imagined that if I did not spend every waking moment pursuing "The Dream", I would regret every ounce of effort lost for the rest of my life.

“No regrets” created some very unhealthy habits that needed to be curbed as fear that I would not achieve my goal manifested again and again. While medical school ultimately ended up not being my path, I put it all on the table and I was given the opportunity to go to medical school. Fear of failing drove me to succeed.

More importantly, having to learn to curb unhealthy habits created by fear of failure that I thought I could avoid by using every waking moment to work towards one singular goal taught me a few invaluable lessons.

• Worth isn't measured by what you do. You are enough just by existing.
• If fear of failure is the only thing/main thing driving you to succeed, you will burn out.
• Love yourself enough that not reaching a dream or goal isn't a failure. It's a success, because you gave it your all. It's an opportunity to do better in future pursuits.

Grounding In Reality

"No Regrets" can be interpreted as a call to spontaneously travel, buy a teacup pig or pursue whatever wild idea comes to mind next that is likely not reasonable as well as a means of escaping your current reality. Speaking from personal experience, an example would be planning a costly trip to Switzerland for spring break weeks in advance just to feel excited about something, anything again.

Living by the mantra “no regrets” has allowed me to:

1)understand what resources are available to me, such as family, friends, social gatherings, and activities that make me happy.

2) localize these resources( are they in Pennsylvania? North Carolina? My heart?)

3) make an informed decision about where I would be happiest.

4) incorporate a deep listening of what I truly need into the practice of identifying what I already have

Knowing what should make you happy and what will make you happy are two different things. Being able to tell the difference is a gift we cultivate throughout the course of our lifetime. Knowing that coming to Philadelphia for college was an act of listening to my heart, not my head.

I find that when I listen to my heart and work with what I already have I am happiest. Making every choice knowing I wouldn't regret pursuing that avenue has by no means been free of sadness, anger, fear, guilt or any of the emotions we label as "negative", "complex" and just don't want to deal with. Living this way has allowed me to enjoy my own life more fully.

Just as quickly as I decided I must move to Philadelphia, I decided at the end of April that I must move home. I could spend this entire paragraph weaving my logical explanations for you , and I think you would understand why I came to this decision.

In this spirit of this piece, know that my heart is telling me that my work is done here, and it's time to go home. The mountains are calling, the waves are singing my name. The land of my ancestors is crying out for her daughter to return home, where her heart has always belonged.