Getting Over Heartbreak

When a breakup occurs many emotions form. Hurt, sadness, anger, denial, and finally acceptance. Now acceptance takes the longest to get to which everyone knows, but the missing step people tend to overlook is forgiveness. No matter who is at fault in the breakup or if it is mutual, there always has to be that step of forgiveness before acceptance finds it way back in your heart to mend it.

Now you may ask what does a young 23 year old lesbian like me know about heartbreak? Well quite a bit actually. See there are many forms of heartbreak whether it is over family members dying , friendships ending, or romantic relationships fading away, heartbreak comes in all sizes and forms.

My first big experience of heartbreak came when my mom died, see I was only 15 and still trying to figure out what being a teenager was like, I wasn't ready for this heartbreak, but then again no one ever is. In the blink of an eye I had a deceased mother, finally I was talking about the abuse my mother and I suffered from my father, I was moving out of the abusive home and going to live with my aunt and her children, as well as changing schools. It was a lot to process in such a short time. Her death came in a flash, no warning, no time to prepare. To this day my heart still breaks when I think or talk about my mother. I try my hardest to remember the good times with her but I always remember the bad times as well and then the guilt and heartbreak seep in. The what ifs, the if I had only's, and the worst ones, why didn't I's?

It has been almost full eight years now but that pain and heartbreak will never fully go away.

My next big heartbreak came with my first love, and no I am not talking about puppy love, or the sixth grade I have a girlfriend for a week and then she dates someone else type of love. No I'm talking about soul exploring, butterflies in the stomach, mind racing, heart pounding, all I can think about type of love. This love hit me out of nowhere and with one person I never imagined it would happen with. I fell in love during my second year of college with one of my best friends at the time. She was almost a decade older than me but our lives were so similar, our stories so in sync with each other it made it easier to bond.

That bond soon turned in a powerful friendship, a true know each other inside and out type of friendship,one where you don't have to communicate every feeling to each other because you just know each other so well. She took over my entire life at the time, everything was about her. All of my thoughts, my stories, my life experiences, everything was either about her or involved her. I would find ways to talk about her, I would talk to her 24 hours 7 days a week. We texted, facetimed, called on the regular phone everyday and saw each other multiple times a week, there wasn't a minute that we didn't know where the other was or what they were doing.

This to me at the time was amazing, and then the friendship turned into more. Feelings were talked about, dates were had, and memories were made. Staying late at her apartment turned into sleepovers, cuddling on the couch, drinking a few drinks, and then the moment came. The big kiss, the one that awoke my whole body like never before.

After that everything changed. She didn't want to tell anyone about us. I however did and that was one of the biggest downfalls for us. I was out of the closet and being with her made me feel that I was heading right back into the closet. Fighting started, arguments over nothing, and differences in the directions our lives were headed in.

She was my biggest romantic heartbreak to date. Our relationship came to a crashing halt over a year ago and the sad part is I am still wishing her the best, still hoping to hear from her again, and missing our friendship more and more everyday. It's a horrible gut wrenching feeling. On one hand I miss her and our friendship, yet on the other hand I am glad the arguing and pain is over. All in all I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter what I wish her the best. I wish her nothing but happiness and no matter what I hope she lives a full life and gets everything she has ever wanted and deserved in life. I still love her but it was never meant to be for us. Maybe it could happen in the future but if not, I will always cherish the time we had together. And that is how to get over heartache and to the last step of forgiveness.