Get ya stunna shades on..

As the bus bumped and squeaked under me while riding home that day, I peered out the window. It was bright, the sun was shining it was truly a beautiful day. My light blue-grey eyes didn’t care for the piercing brightness of the sun. I often received compliments about the beauty of my eyes, people adored the blue hue that I wore. I didn’t want anyone else to see. I felt uncomfortable. Uncertain. Unsure.

Mom had bought them for me just for riding the bus home. I had told her about the brightness of the sun, and that all the cool kids wore sunglasses everyday. Deep inside, I wanted the cool factor, but more than that, I just wanted to be comfortable on the ride home. I wanted my eyes to not hurt as I watched out the window each day. I wanted to wear them. But, I wasn’t a cool kid. I was fat, and awkward. Not many people liked me. I definitely didn’t want the cool kids to see me, I was nervous.

Sitting there that day, I quietly, and secretly slipped my sunglasses out of my backpack pocket and bent down as I put them on. Then it was stealth mode time. I kept my face as close to the window as I possibly could. My nose almost touching the glass. I didn’t dare turn my head or look at anyone, I didn’t want anyone to see. If I could wear my sunglasses without anyone noticing, then maybe eventually, I would be able to show them off.

“Hey Mindy!” The voice struck fear deep into my bones. I didn’t want to turn around, but I couldn’t ignore it. The breath seemed to vanish from my lungs as I turned to see the coolest of the cool kids. “Just because you wear sunglasses doesn’t make you one of us. You’ll never be cool.” I was mortified. I said in a shaken voice, trying to hold it together so he didn’t see me cry, “I know. The sun is just bright.” He scoffed, then turned around and walked away with a smirk on his face.

Time somehow seemed to stop in that moment. The bustle of the other kids and the rumble of the engine around me. The noise of the road passing me by. I, however, was moving in slow motion. It was as if time slowed down for me while the rest of the world continued. I silently removed the sunglasses from my face, folded them and put them back into my backpack. I stared out the window, as hard as I could as time sped back up. I didn’t want anyone to see the tears falling so eagerly down my face. I hated that they came at all. Just another reason to hate myself as a third grade girl. I sulked even further into my insecurities that day.

That little punk kid will probably never know how much he affected my life that day. He didn’t know I would refuse to wear sunglasses for the next 10 years. He didn’t realize how deep his words would cut. Even after I started driving, it took a long time for me to wear sunglasses. It wasn’t until my mom bought me a pair of Revos sunglasses that I was able to get over my fear.

Fast forward to now. As a 35-year-old woman, with all the things I have been through in my life... this incident seems incredibly menial. It feels like nothing. So dumb, compared to all the other “stuff” read “trauma”. However, it’s something I didn’t realize was still holding on.

Last Christmas, I was gifted this pair of sunglasses. They’re so “cool” I love them and have wanted a pair like them for a while. It was such a special gift to receive. I felt so special. I did have a bit of a hesitation to wearing them though. Why? I couldn’t ever figure it out, aside from feeling like they didn’t look good on me. I quickly got over it and have enjoyed them for a little over a year now!

Just a few weeks ago, I realized, it was because they’re similar to the sunglasses that I wore that day. Not the same by any means, but somewhat similar. I was taken aback. How could something small, from so long ago, affect me still...to this day!?

My husband calls them my “cool girl sunglasses”. I love that so, so much. I never thought about them being similar until a few weeks ago. Even then I wasn’t sure I was going to write about it. It’s funny how things can resurface years later.

We all have insecurities that run our lives. We have to take them back at some point. Whatever your insecurity, it’s time to change the rhetoric. Own it. Because confidence is beautiful. There will always be someone like that kid. They will try to tear you down, but if you keep your head held high, you’ll be able to look above and beyond their words.

My insecurities run deep. This one was a menial one that has resurfaced 25+ years later. At the time though, it was devastating. So devastating in fact, that I wouldn’t wear sunglasses for years after.

Sitting here all these years later, it’s funny to me (funny interesting, not funny haha) how as a child this was such a big deal, yet now... it feels like it wasn’t even worth the space it takes up in my mind.. but that’s how trauma works. Things resurface later. Things we didn’t think were trauma, are trauma, they created core beliefs about ourselves that we have to work hard to overcome. Really hard. Good days and bad days with trauma come and go, it’s just the way it is...

Either way...sometimes you just gotta put on some gangsta rap and most important, get ya stunna shades on!