Gaslighting In Relationships

I never really understood what gaslighting was, until I found out that I myself was guilty of doing it to my ex boyfriend. Albeit, that wasn't why things ended, but after looking back, and my therapist going "yeah you really can't say those things to people", it was pretty easy to start to listen, and check myself. I've recently found myself in a situation where I kept going crazy, for seemingly no reason, and I couldn't figure out how 'something small' was turning into something huge in my own mind. To keep from gaslighting people and have them gaslight me, I've made a list.

1. Identify what gaslighting is. For example, say you drop a mug on the ground and it breaks. How does your partner/family member react? Well, most likely, they would laugh, ask if you're okay, and maybe help you clean up. But what if they get annoyed? Not mad, necessarily, but annoyed. If you break something and immediately get a "God, you can't do anything! You're such a clutz!" It feels a little less more than a human thing, and more like you have to prove you didn't do it on purpose. It's a very easy way to break down someone's self esteem, especially if they value your opinion about them. Gaslighting is manipulation, and it will absolutely make you question your sanity.

2. The thing about being gaslit, is that it takes time to realize what's happening to you. It's hard! This type of manipulation isn't easy to connect the dots with. Gaslighting is so easy to get away with because it takes time, and it's very passive aggressive. I remember moving in with my girlfriend, and the day I moved in, she called me a burden. It took me months to figure out why I would always think I bothered her by simply making food, or why I asked permission to do laundry. It was because from day 1, I hadn't been welcome. I wasn't allowed to be a living person, because it bothered her. That's crazy, right? Insane how one time she said something, and I couldn't let it go. Well that's because it wasn't the first time.

3. Gaslighting is manipulation, and it happens more than once. At the moment, when your boyfriend says "yeah you should work out more, but I like chunky girls!" and in your mind, that hurts. However, if you say he hurt your feelings, it's so incredibly easy for him to back himself up with "I was kidding! You're beautiful stop being so sensitive." Which should make it all okay, right? Yeah maybe, if you are genuinely good with that. But, if you're voicing your insecurities to someone you trust and they make fun of you, if that hurts your feelings, that's valid. Because, if you sit and think to yourself, "why does this bother me so much?" you'll likely remember that this person tends to put you down a lot, and it may not be a joke to you anymore. And that is completely fair, even if they say it's not.

4. Gaslighters give no sincere apologies. if you let someone know that they hurt you, and they tell you to not be dramatic, or that you're sensitive, or my personal favourite in public "not to make a scene". I really hate that one to be honest, I think it's the worst. If that person tells you to deal with it, and doesn't apologize for hurting your feelings, that will immediately invalidate you. From that point on, once you start to think "oh I'm just overreacting", it makes it so much easier for them to do it the next time. Or even better! You may just get a nice "Fine! I'm sorry for calling you chubby!" without any real acknowledgement about how you feel.

5. Or, they'll make you feel bad for them. When you call someone out for being disrespectful or rude, especially if you make a valid point, sometimes to gaslight you, a person will turn themselves into the victim so you will have to comfort them. "You're right, I'm sorry for saying that to you. I'm just stupid and mean and I don't deserve you, you're too good for me." Can definitely sound like a sincere apology, but is it? Was there any acknowledgement to your feelings? Did they say it won't happen again? Do they even care about what they said to hurt you? Probably not, no. But they did technically say sorry, now they're just waiting for the "No! It's okay you do deserve me!" and that's literally just you, comforting someone, who isn't the person who needs comfort. Don't forget that.

There's probably many, many more things to look at, and I probably will, but my last piece of advice is to lay it all out in front of someone, to make sure. Whether it be your therapist, mom, partner, best friend. Anyone who can take a slightly objective standpoint and say "there's no reason those things should be said to you." Because it's easy to convince yourself you're overreacting, and that these things haven't happened before. But even if it's just a few, or there's too many to count, write some out, what happened, what was said, and how you felt. Try to be objective as well, because sometimes it's just an argument. People do say things they don't mean, especially if both parties are being unreasonable. But, if these issues are random, coming from nowhere, and making you feel awful? Ask someone. Provide examples, and genuinely see what they think. Gaslighting is very subtle, and easy for others to miss, but it's very harmful, and so common.

Be kind to people, and don't tolerate others being unkind to you.