From Strangers to Friends, Friends Into Lovers, Then Strangers Again.

I couldn't even remember what song you were playing that night.

But I remember your eyes had a luminescent gleam as you played your heart out and just had fun on that stage. The intoxicating aura surrounding your spirit was bleeding from you, but it wasn't the song that I was concentrating on, it was you. It all hit me at once. The moment of realization that my liking towards you was more, it wasn't just a fondness or some "interest" It was the voracious feeling of craving your attention and well....love. A warmth starts to form in the pit of my stomach and I knew it was bad news. But does it feel so right at the same time?

But now I have fractured something sacred and untouchable. The glass is now shattered and I have now crossed a boundary that is now forever irreversible. Our friendship. As I smile clinging on to the broken pieces in my hands, blood trickles down my arm and I try to put the pieces back together again. Perhaps I can take these shards and make something entirely new. What was once broken, surely can be made into something better? Through the melodrama of it all, I'm trying to convince myself that there was nothing destroyed, in fact, this is the start of something beautiful.

If I could take back that moment of realization, I wouldn't have dug that glass into my skin trying, instead just let the pieces lie on the floor scattered. You can't put back together broken glass.

See the funny thing about falling in love with your friend is, all you can do is daydream and fantasize about a different alternate universe where you both were meant to be. Because you know it wasn't meant to be in this reality. There are no what-ifs instead there are... if only. If only things were different. If only I could. Our friends are like the feeling of hiraeth to a home. I picture it like a little cottage on a green hill in the distance. It's so familiar but you've never been to this cottage. But you feel like you're returning home.

Soon that vision of that cottage on a hill gets hazy, it seems like it's drifting further away no matter how close you get. This place isn't your home anymore, or perhaps it never was. Your presence of solace is gone. And it's my fault. Because I fell for you.

You get to a certain phase in your journey when after that realization, your surroundings become more solid. All those tiny details are so much more clearer. It's like some sick device that tracks every single thing that they do and you can't help but make a mental note in your head. It's fulsome.

Their favorite song, how when they laugh it's breathy and infractions, that serious look on their face when they are concentrating on something.

But then you notice more.

Their fears, biggest regrets, what keeps them awake at night, who broke their heart. What they would do to try again and not make the same mistakes, a second chance.

It's more perplexing, almost conflicting when you are told these things out loud. Because you need to push aside the fact you are fully head over heels for this person and be their friend. And that's what I did.

I sat there and confided in the fact that you would've gone back to them despite knowing they took your heart and stomped all over it. I sat and listened to how much you would've done just for another chance to redeem yourself. I couldn't help but think to myself, why? Why would you want to give that person another chance if they've done nothing but hurt you? I wanted to scoff at you and pity you for being such a person. But what I didn't realize was I was going to understand exactly how you were feeling. I just didn't see it coming.

The sun was coming up and as we stared outside there was a mellow glimmer, it was just so ambient and I felt so at ease. But it didn't account for that sinking feeling in my gut that told me, it was over. We stayed up all night but my body was somehow grasping on to that bit of hope. My heart ached for you to shake my shoulder and tell me to wake up, that I was asleep the whole night and that our conversation didn't happen. As my eyes grew heavy and I inhaled the scent of that musk, shaggy couch and hoped I wouldn't wake up.

Soon, you know it's time to move on, and slowly for once in your life, you feel like it's working. You start to not care whether they are in class or not, or if you see them at the train station. But I made the mistake of using someone else to forget them. I substituted their touch, attention, and affection because I couldn't get it from you. But that's exactly the issue, they weren't you..but how could I miss something I never had? But that all was about to change.

It happened at the park.

I remember being bewildered at the fact that this was too good to be true. I just wanted to laugh out loud then and there, because how could I possibly experience the one thing I always wanted but never got?

It was a wintry and cool evening, the park was empty with the only exception of passing bikers and douchey thirteen-year-olds on their rusty scooters. Nevertheless, it was so serene and almost suspiciously....perfect. The chilly wind would wrap itself around us as we slowly walked in the center of the giant footpath. Everything was so centered. From the trickling drops of the fountain to the trees to the wispy leaves floating in the air. They created a blanket that covered the night sky and I felt so, safe.

We sat on the bench and I turned to my side and faced you with my knees up to my chest. To be completely honest the whole setting was getting ridiculous I mean, come on. Was the universe pitying me and was just giving me sad points or something? This is me we are talking about here. I tried reassuring myself and told myself to just see what happens, after all, there was nothing that could have predicted what was to happen.

A kiss.

I kissed you.

And you let me.

You were supposed to be untouchable, I'm not supposed to have my happy ending. I almost wanted to cry right there and then. But instead at that moment, I wanted to just savor every last drop of time I had left of this dream, because it was simply too good to be true. The glass was suddenly whole again and my heart was full. You helped me put the pieces back together.

The night sky was a haunting midnight blue as we walked back down that giant walk path, walking down the center once more. I can't exactly remember whether it was raining or not because for some reason my memory becomes hazy when I try to recount but what I did remember was how cold it was. Shy giggles were exchanged and we came to a sudden halt.

You stopped and stood right in front of me, a bit confused I raised my eyebrow to question why you decided it would be a good idea to stop us in the middle of the footpath. We were standing perfectly in line with the fountain and thus everything felt centered once again. Your figure stood tall over me and I couldn't see your expression as the city lights that shone from the shopping centers darkened your face. The next thing I knew, with two of your hands, placed gently on my shoulders, your face grew close against mine once more. I smiled into your lips and there was that safe feeling again. Funny enough none of those kisses felt amatory, it was just pure. It was kind of like an " I got you" or an "I care about you"

We waited for your bus to arrive at the station and we stood in front of a neon and brightly lit convenience store. I remember you asking if I was cold to which of course me replying in a jubilant and haughty manner said no. You didn't believe me so you wrap your arms around me and I gave in and stayed in your embrace. No words were exchanged for a good two minutes. We just stayed silent and listened to the busy city sounds of cars and people walking by and I fiddled with the drawstrings of your hoodie. We were the only ones lit in from of the pulsing store lights whilst everything else was dim. I stared onto the road and wanted to kick myself to make sure I was awake and conscious of this actually happening.

My train of thought was cut short when an old lady who was sitting outside the convenience store spoke to us and said "You two are a lovely couple" followed by a "You suit each other very well" We both smiled sheepishly and let out little laughs but not one of us dared to say "thank you" because we weren't. We weren't a couple. I knew I wasn't going to man up and say it until you spoke up and said " thank you" God this is so unfathomable. My heart ached at your polite words as I just felt nothing but confusion. What did this mean? Are all the sappy gestures you indicating to me that you finally felt the same? Or am I just another person you can get attention from because you taking advantage of my feelings?

See the worst thing about wanting to hate someone you like, is when you know they aren't a bad person, no matter how hard you try to justify your pain on their bad intentions and wrongdoings you know they aren’t bad. They just do bad things. They are naive and unaware that their actions hurt you but that makes it so much more gut-wrenching. I will forever hate myself for being so guileless about that day. I should've known that it meant nothing. But who could blame me?

I never heard a word from you since that day, we drifted apart or you just probably didn't want to face your actions. Maybe you thought "oh no now she thinks my feelings are the same" I don't know if you'll ever confront your demons, perhaps you might never but one thing I know for sure is, I will forever resent you until you do. I may never know the answer to why you did it but I know I use to think about that day at the park as a happy memory. But now when I do it just hurts. It hurts so bad. I think my mind has convinced me it was a distant memory because now it's all foggy and the details that I once could remember so clearly are now fading away.

I now must carry the fact I'll never get the closure I need to move on. Whether this friendship I ruined even exists anymore. Now I also realize that I was the one who shattered the glass. I chose to hurt, bleed, cry and regret. But hey, maybe it was worth it. Yet still, that midnight blue sky is tainted in red. It wasn't so ambient as I remember, I can still hear the sound of my voice screaming that it all never happened. Because if it didn't all the blood and tears shed could've been saved.

There's a song I listened to and though it may not be the one you played on that night, it perfectly captures everything. The beginning, middle, and end.

"From strangers to friends, friends into lovers, then strangers again"

- Celeste