Forgive -- Not Forget

Forgiveness is meant to be a two way street. For most. But forgiveness is meant to be for the person needing peace within that moment to move forward. The struggles everyone gets faced with, the anger and the grief passed from person to person; harsh words are expressed. To gaze and realize that forgiveness is meant to be a step forward, takes on its own challenges.

The past rises up in many ways. Tearing down the walls of what is real and what is only being held onto for the sake of sanity. Letting go of what is familiar takes more power than anyone is willing to realize. Stripping away one’s barrier and expressing a moment to be vulnerable is more gratifying than taking the hits and staying in the one spot that created the sickness within.

It’s an addiction that everyone should break, being able to stand on two feet because that is where they are meant to be. Broad shoulders, straightened spine, eyes looking forward and feet taking that single step forward.

Forgiveness is not meant to put a bandaid over a gash along skin. It is meant to be healing for oneself. It is to forgive past actions, but never to forget the lessons.

Some days are hard to breath, feeling the weight of the world against those shoulders, the weight and the feel of needing that addiction; that need to punish oneself for the actions and giving in and breaking forgiveness just to be pushed back to square one.

No one is what they make of their past. Some are bullied and forced into a mold that meant that they were the rulers of the playground or the director of the world stage. Others are shoved into lockers or corners of the halls and never allowed to speak the words that they long to say. They hold onto those moments that they were kept in the dark, forcing them to stay because it is all they have known. Scared to shed their shell and take that first step forward.

A never ending cycle.

A small cry for help.

The hardest part of it all; caring for someone who cannot take the first step of forgiveness. Holding them tight against their chest, whispering encouragement to allow them that step forward, but only for them to drink from a glass rather than filling their own glass until they no longer want anything but the water that one provides.

The feeling of guilt rises when they drink the last drop and they have nothing more to give. They lose the sense of gratitude as everything that they have worked so hard for, slips from their fingers like sand in the desert. Surrounded by empty lands, alone with dark thoughts like vultures picking for their newest meal.

Toxicity is allowing them to refill your glass with wine, and drinking it like water. Allowing nothing more and getting wasted on the high it brings only for it to shatter along the edges of the vision of the beholder.

To some, shattered glass brings peace. It allows the mind to settle into its natural state. A moment to restart and be refreshed. But it is never a factory reset. Fears loom over the heart, forbidding any other action being taken. Forgiveness far from the shattered mind, but harm to oneself and others in the hopes of feeling that peace again. Quenching the thirst with tens of glasses surrounded by a wounded soul. Bodies circling them, slowly joining as their glasses empty.

To find hope and forgiveness is never easy as it feels or as it is told in books. Heartbreaking moments keep us from crossing the line to forgiveness. Only to forgive ourselves and allow the lesson to sink into our minds and find five seconds to rise for themselves and no one else.

The cycle being broken and steps sinking in the sand to a new beginning.