For the Hurt, Broken Soul
Sometimes, we all feel we are broken down to our very souls.
Lately, a lot has been happening in my life. I wanted to share this story because I am hopeful that it will help someone, somewhere. I know that someone, somewhere has to be going through at least something similar to me. I want you to know, you are not alone. Some people will go through far worse in their life. This may all seem like a molehill to you. Let me tell you, friend. Right now, to me this is as large as Mount Everest.
Have you ever met someone who you considered family? Who you thought accepted you as one of their own? Then, sometime later, something happens and the same person hurts you so deep that you feel it in your very soul? Yeah. It feels like your very core is shaken. Everything you've known, you question. Suddenly you just feel alone. Even if you know you have at least one person who truly cares, you still feel alone. Even if you've never felt this way, I ask that you stay and read what I have to say. It may help you someday, or someone you love.
I wont say everything that has happened or went on, but I will tell the story as it happened.
When I started high school, I met someone who has become very special to me. He has been my rock for a few years now. He has been my protector, he has become home. When I am with him, I feel as though I can be myself. I can be silly, I can show him that I am angry when I am. No matter the emotion, I can show him and he can handle me. He can handle how I am. I have never met, even to this day, anyone else who gets me like he does. Not even my high school best friend got me like he does.
Growing up until I was 12, I had another best friend. My grandpa. I looked up to him. I admired him. From the time I was born, 'til he passed away, there are no photos of him that I am not in. That is how close he and I were. He taught me to sing, took me to church, bought me ice cream. I love both of my grandparents dearly, but he and I had a special bond. My mom and I have never seen eye to eye. I could go to him crying and he would understand. He would talk me through whatever was wrong.
I have not been the same since his death. I doubt that I ever will be the same. But, then I met him. The one my grandpa had always told me would come.
I won't get into exactly what happened, but I ended up having to leave home right after my high school graduation. I didn't want to leave my grandma behind, or all the memories that I had with my grandpa in that house. But, I had to. I didn't have much of a choice.
He saved me. He saved me from a bad situation, and from myself. He and his parents saved me. Then, things went sour. And now, I am having to leave and go back to my parents. I will still be seeing him, but things won't ever be the same for me. Mentally, I feel broken. This is not a choice that I made. I have no other choice than to go back to my parents. Over a reason that I do not agree with, but cannot argue with. It's not easy, I am fighting my own mind.
When I was told that I had to leave, it shook me to my very core. I felt betrayed, unwanted, unloved. Both places that I have stayed, I've been made to leave. I still feel very unwanted. I know that he wants me, but it's different to feel like your parents don't want you. My father never wanted me, and I will never get to have a relationship of any kind with him because he passed away in October. It's even worse having two sets of parents who you feel don't want you.
I love them all. I do, but right now I am feeling as though none of them love me. And it is eating at my mind. I feel as though I am constantly going to have a panic attack. I feel alone. I know I am not, but sometimes you just want a parent to hug you and tell you that its okay. That isn't something that I ever recall having. Yes, my grandparents—both of them were always good about making me feel wanted and making sure that I felt loved and telling me that it was okay if I had problems in school or whatnot.
I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, or think bad things of me. I just want to let you know that if you are going through something and you don't feel wanted to loved, someone is out there that does care. I know that it may not seem like it, but someone, somewhere is going through what you are. Someone understands and someone does love and care about you. Even if you lose people who you thought cared more about you than they are now showing, someone out there will never stop loving and caring about you.
I don't much care for anime, but sometimes a hug is all you need and this is the best video of one that I could find. Please, just never give up. You are needed in someone's life.