A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person.
A little over two yrs ago I was in this weird situation with a guy. A situation where I kept trying to prove myself worthy. The harder I tried, the more I failed. The more I tried to prove my worth the more I fucked up.
Every couple of months my brain reminds me of the floundering fool that I allowed myself to be.
One day I’ll completely let it go, but I can’t allow myself to forget. As much as I hate reliving it in my mind, I need to remember so that I don’t do that shit again.
Honestly I buried this shit so deep, I thought I was over it…until a friendship was attempted. That is when I found my true bitch. The more we got back into some kind of friendship the more annoyed I would get. Mainly because my brain likes to reminisce.
Do y’all know what flashbacks are? Flashbacks are exactly what they sounds like. I would play out entire situations from the past in my mind like a video. I remember allowing myself to feel small on the inside while presenting what I thought was confidence on the outside. I remember thinking of things I could do to show how awesome I am, only for me to freeze up, and fuckup. I remember showing how other guys could just swoop me up if I wasn’t good enough for him. Only to feel silly in the end. I remember allowing myself to become something I can’t even put a name on. Dumb ass bitch? Eh...I don’t know.
I thought I had prepared myself mentally for anything that could be thrown at me. I didn’t. Honestly I had read so many Kristen Ashley books that I thought I knew what to expect. I didn’t prepare myself for unfamiliar feelings. Outside of family, I honestly find it hard to care about anyone for a long period of time. Especially when it comes to dating. It always feels temporary to me. This felt different, and in my attempt to make sure I didn’t lose something that felt so awesome, I fucked up. A lot. I was stupid a lot. In the end I was hurt a lot.
I’m the type of person that sees something that I want, and I’ll make that shit known. Lol. Not like super blunt “I want you, be mine”. More like “I don’t like very many people, but I like you”. I’ve been told that, that’s too upfront. That it’s not how I’m supposed to operate. I need to play games. That I need to appear as if I’m unobtainable. There is just one issue with that. I’m an extremely transparent person. From my face, to my tone, everything about me is transparent. That being said, all that shit I did, like not being myself. Me being the transparent person that I am…do you think he couldn’t see through my bullshit ? Hell, even Stevie Wonder would see through the load of bs that I was carrying around. Anyway. There are a lot of fuckups that happened in my attempt to hold onto something that I thought was meant for me. This time I figured why not write the shit out since it’s on my mind so much lately. I’m thinking I might write out some of these memories that I can’t seem to get rid of. Who knows.
-That LoOpy Chick-
Thanks for reading my LoOpy Thoughts.
This particular piece was written last month. Some of my blog will be reposted to this site. That picture I have up there is of me NYE 2018 while hanging with the guy that I wrote about.