Flawed memory

When was the time that you felt unloved or the insignificance of your own weight of a value because of someone else’s actions? I recall the most recent one from my ex of on and off and so on and forth of a partner whom we finally dissipated through a physical ordeal. Oftentimes, he would make comments and slight or passive phrases such as my body shape or weight or stretch marks from all the way in 2019. Yes, he was one of those types of people who religiously has to have all things and people in order and precisely in his likings. I, on the other hand, did not do so and had no clue that he would actually measure his own waistline?

Was it an obsessive or borderline controlling behavior or could it be me being overly sensitive to remarks and simple comments and exchanges of health chit chats? To this day, I do not know for a solid fact but I do know that he does have his own judgments and own deeply embedded insecurities and by default; possibly may have projected onto me as mine onto him. The 3 short and very, very condensed and sickening and slit of my throat feelings of our relationship is enough for any psychotherapist to hand motion the “ Stop sign” or the Red, flaming flags of all flags! How did we push and pull our own strings and always the negative polarized effects of our on and off switch off a relationship?

To be frank and honest, I cannot sum up to one straightforward answer and that is probably because life in lessons is not a linear type of lesson, it is entangled with chess and a maze of hidden signs. More than dozens of our time as a couple consisted of us being passionately twisted together or the attempts of us cooking in the kitchen and or lots of physical and emotional uproars and downfalls. It was as if my lungs are being constricted of air to breathe to stay alive underwater and then feeling the euphoria of holding that precious air just enough to satiate the effects of the icy hot poison of our twist and turns of love/lust fusions.

These tiny glimpses of tantalizing eclipses of musical sopranos to altos and bass sounds are truly the cues to what and who to where we’d attract so we shall learn the strings of lessons again and again. Life is so much as the boomerang effects me since it is always and will be returning back to you in one or two too many ways in abstract or literal forms. In times where you find someone at an unconventional chapter in your life where you ask the most difficult and diverse questions is possibly one of those times where the you have met them for a divine reason.

The reasoning to the seasoning cannot be much more ludacris or lavishly bizarre but that will be the most impactful lessons or encounters of all since this person or people made some of your most painful, secretive to vulnerable traumas came surfaced so you can face one on one with that monster. These souls or lovers to people met your string of soul friends or twin flaming engulfed so that one or two of you can exchange pains so you can empathize the opposite weaknesses or strengths to how Yin and Yang you two actually are but somehow; you collide and mesh into your own voids to learn to unlearn. My beating chambers of throbbing pump AKA the heart will always remember how he and I walked through the Kitpsap peninsula waterfront and were almost strangers and yet, the sky above us looked so familiar and I felt as my soul was at home in the cold, crisp November evening of 2019.