Fix Your Tinder
AKA How Much I Hate You from Only One Photo
Being single is fantastic. Being in a relationship is pretty great too. Being single and trying to get laid on the internet? Not so great.
Much like rooting through the $5 DVD bin at Walmart, there’s a lot that can be gleaned from the cover of a Tinder profile. From about 85% of those photos, I've decided that you are terrible. With a little help, you can delay this realization until I'm stuck in a booth with you at Olive Garden.
Your first photo involves a fish.
You are the worst kind of person. I have seen twelve of you in the last two minutes and I have been off-put by all of you. You don’t look good in this photo. The only redeeming factor is the size of the fish, which I do not care about. It’s no longer a hunter/gatherer society. You do not need to catch this to feed our twelve children and then kill a mountain lion with your bare hands. Your fish is gross, and I hate you. Change your profile picture.
Your bio states that you are a “Nice Guy.”
What does this even mean? Like, how do I respond to this? Do you want me to bake you muffins and go to church really early on Sundays so your mom will tell you she thinks I’m a “nice girl?” Is that what this is? I’m not sure I understand it, but I’m pretty sure that one of us is going to say something offensive in the first ten minutes so it’s probably not worth our time.
Your first photo is a car.
You are the worst kind of person 2.0. Your second photo likely involves a fish. I did not get as far as the second photo. Change your profile picture.
It’s just your torso.
We agree to meet at a restaurant. It is Italian, romantic, softly lit. I arrive wearing a cream-coloured dress and heels. Across the room I see you — abdominal muscles glistening in the candlelight, waistband of your Calvin Kleins peeking out over the tablecloth. You lift your arm, flexing your biceps, and brush over the space where your head should be. Your disembodied torso rises from the chair, beckoning me over in grotesque fashion. “Why?” I think to myself. “I knew what he was. Just a torso. And yet — yet I swiped right. What will I tell our children?”
It’s anything other than a picture of your face.
You’re weird looking. Sure it’s probably a really funny and cleverly constructed photo, or a beautiful landscape, or a distance shot of you doing something really cool like skydiving. But your face isn’t in it so you’re probably ugly. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. But you are trying to get laid without any preexisting conversation, so your main focus is how you look. Sorry man, it’s just how it is.
You have dog holy fuck it is so cute I need to pet it holy fuck.
This one’s good actually. Is it stereotypical? Yes. Is it a bit sleazy and manipulative? Totally. The thing is, I’m 100% aware of all of this but I’m still way more likely that I’ll swipe right if you have a dog. C’mon, they’re cute. Plus a little part of me is convinced that I might get the chance to meet them. That’s really all I’m looking for from Tinder.