First Date Red Flags

If you've never been in a relationship before with a gaslighter, consider yourself lucky. What is a gaslighter? The term comes from a 1938 stage play about a man who psychologically manipulates his wife's perception by playing tricks on her to convince her that she is insane. For example, dimming the gas lights in their home and pretending that nothing has changed, or convince her that she is misremembering events and conversations that did in fact take place.

Being in a relationship with a gaslighter is crazy-making for anyone. When you see with your eyes that something happened one way, and your partner swears that they happened another enough times you begin to question your sanity. Destroying your perception of reality is how they operate.

Perhaps you've fallen victim to one in the past. That's okay, that's not on you. These con artists work very hard to gain your trust, only to destroy it not only with them but with any future relationships you may have. The gaslighter might not even be your romantic partner, they could be a boss, a family member, or a friend.

Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD has written a book on the subject called Gaslighting- Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People and Break Free. In it she details the signs that you may be dealing with a gaslighter, and in one chapter she details the red flags you may encounter on a first date that suggest you've encountered one.

While alone, each point may not point to gaslighting behavior. But it is a combination of these behaviors that point to a disaster if you don't distance yourself from this person.

1. Right off the bat they tell you that you are the most amazing, beautiful, and wonderful person they've ever met. And you very well might be. But they've just met you, so how do they really know this? Even if you've carried on a relationship online for a while, this is a very broad and wide statement without any specifics to it. Many people are amazing, beautiful, and wonderful. Many people might even be all three. Why are they saying this so early?

2. They start talking about long term commitment, like marriage and children. Whoa, pump the brakes! What are we doing here? I thought we were just getting together for coffee, not planning a wedding! And, okay. Sometimes you just know when you meet someone. There are people who knew the second they met their partner that this was it. But professing these thoughts and feelings on the first date is generally a red flag, as it can indicate possessiveness.

3. They talk about themselves and ask very few details about you. Some people get nervous and ramble on first dates. But it's usually followed up with a "but enough about me, what about you" kind of statement. It's also usually lighthearted and out of anxiousness. The gaslighter is more of a boaster. And they don't care about your life or your family. They want to talk about themselves. They might bring up their family and mention that it is dysfunctional--though not everyone who comes from a dysfunctional family is necessarily destined to become a gaslighter. They might also talk about their previous relationships and how their previous partners were at fault for the break up. They refer to their exes as bitches and assholes, which brings us to the next red flag...

4. They refer to their exes as bitches and assholes. They might even go as far as admitting to cheating on them, but it was only because they had no other choice. First of all, talking about previous relationships is pretty weird for a first date. Second of all, admitting to cheating is yet another red flag waving its face right in front of you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cases can be made that this isn't always true, but you're on a first date here. You don't need to commit to the long haul just to see if they've changed or if they won't cheat on you. Cut and run!

5. They're rude to the wait staff. If they're rude to the waiter, they probably think they're better than them. Who gets to decide that they're better than a waiter who might even have a higher education than them but are working an extra job to put in a pool, or even just to make ends meet? This person is being paid to serve your food and drinks, not be a sounding board for abuse. Even if the waiter really is terrible, there are certain expectations that you not blow up at them right there in the restaurant.

6. They order for you with no actual input from you about what you want. This is a big sign of controlling behavior. First they choose your meals, then they choose what you can and can't wear, then who you can't talk to. Especially if they order you alcohol, even if you don't want it. If they pressure you into "one little drink" after you've said no, they may be trying to intoxicate you in order to assault you. If you do have a drink, never let it out of your sight. Plenty of stories have been told about something slipped into a drink.

7. They invade your personal space. Trying to hold hands, or kiss you, or any unwanted touching is an invasion of your personal space. How you react is what sets the tone for the rest of your relationship (which will be over as soon as you walk out the door.) If you allow this handsy and pushy behavior on the first date, they will know what they can get away with in the future.

Always trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Again, while each of these might not spell trouble alone, put together they can indicate the signs that you are dealing with a gaslighter.