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Finding Connection In A Disconnected World

Vulnerability is key

By Tree LangdonPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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Finding Connection In A Disconnected World
Photo by Enis Yavuz on Unsplash

If you want to have more ease in your relationship, vulnerability is an important piece of the pie.

This isn't easy, especially if you've already been operating a certain way in a relationship. It will take some focus and hard work to make a change, and both of you will have to want it.

Change requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable can feel risky but it's an important step.

Vulnerability is when you can just be yourself. 

We've all built up walls to protect ourselves. Over time, we learned it was easier not to let our guard down because when we did, it hurt us. It was safer to build a fortress of protection.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is giving yourself permission to drop all the barricades in the fortress of protection that you have built. When you aren't so busy protecting yourself, you'll be able to interact in a meaningful way. Then you can truly be intimate with the other person.

Be real in all of your relationships.

Many people try to control their relationships. They aren't comfortable risking themselves by allowing themselves to be vulnerable. If you can have a high degree of vulnerability, you do not need to control things.

Reveal your true self and share your heart.

Let's talk about the Avoidance Game.

Most people don't like conflict. They don't like separation or rupture in a relationship.

Others are more comfortable putting it all on the line.

Those that avoid conflict will go out of their way to maintain an equilibrium with their friends and family. They focus on keeping the peace. 

They do this because they want to control the risks that might be present. Anytime you try to word a text, an email, or a conversation in the right way so that you don't upset someone, you are playing the rupture avoidance game. You're trying to control the situation.

We seek certainty through control, and often the outcome is not what we desire. After experiencing several relationships with the same result, I realized I had to be willing to be more vulnerable, letting go of control. 

I have more of what I desire in a relationship now. When I stopped trying to control everything, it made an enormous difference.

Is control creating what you desire in your relationship? 

Has this need for control ever worked for you?

Control can come in many disguises:

No matter how you dress it up, in its Sunday best, or a casual grubbiness, the issue is still your need for control. Whether you are screaming or acting in a passive-aggressive manner, it is still a technique you are using. 

Whether your relationship is one where you say nothing unless it is nice or one where you are obliged to tell your partner everything, the relationship is based on control.

When you bring vulnerability to your relationships, it creates a space of allowance. 

Allowance is the antidote to control.

Vulnerable allowance in a relationship is when you give your partner permission to be themselves and they give you permission to be yourself.

When you can have a conversation with your partner and you are both willing to stay in the discussion, no matter what comes up, you are allowing them to be themselves.  You are allowing yourself to be who you are.

You're allowing them to tell the truth and show who they really are, deep down.

In return, they're allowing you to be yourself. 

Both of you are standing in your vulnerability.

Give your partner the gift of vulnerable allowance. 

Ask them to be your ally in this partnership and let the changes begin.

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A version of this story also appears on Medium by Tree Langdon, the author.

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About the Creator

Tree Langdon

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