Fear of the Unknown

by Julianna mcburney 11 months ago in humanity

Naive Love

Fear of the Unknown

As a kid, my worst fear was ending up alone. With maturity came the realization that there are things much worse than that initial fear. Things like being with someone and still feeling alone. A broken relationship can make you feel more lonely than you had been single. I crave love, affection, consistency and so many more things that make me appear needy through your eyes. I’m lonely. And when I say I’m lonely I don’t mean in a physical way but I’m emotionally lonely. Physically, I’m not alone but mentally it’s as if no one is around. It gets tiring loving someone in all the ways they don’t love you. Year after year I became aware that the most painful tears aren’t the ones that had casually fallen from my eyes but the ones that had fallen from my heart and completely coated my soul. I once believed that I was too full of life to be half loved. But as time went by I found myself circling back to the homely routine of things. Mostly, I’m ashamed. Ashamed for sticking around for a person who makes me feel this way. You entered my life not knowing of all the baggage I carried around with me constantly. And in a way the result of this relationship is mostly my fault. I let you in thinking you would accept my flaws and faults and that one day you could eventually see past them and love even the rawest parts of me. That is where I went wrong. From the beginning I should have been loving myself the way I loved you. I found myself holding on because of the normality of things and for the fear of never finding another. I stayed because no matter how you made me feel, I loved you more than myself and I would put you before anything. But you see these feelings weren’t reciprocated. They were one sided and always in your favor. I have learned to be content with feeling lonely beside you. But during those rare days where we would watch those sappy love movies and I’d see those couples kissing and holding hands, I couldn’t help but wonder what it must be like to feel genuine love like that. A love that doesn’t make you feel lonely and unsure of your worth. You have never once laid a hand on me. There have never once been any bruises plastered to my body. But there were bruises that you had tattooed on my heart and soul that weren’t just naked to those around me but had also been to you. When I was younger I used to believe that being alone was the worst outcome but now I am sure that what’s even worse is being with someone and still feeling alone.

- anonymous

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'