Ending up alone

If I end up alone, I won't be surprised. I used to hope for things. Of course, then I was a child. I got old enough to like boys. My first ex was a disappointment. He once told me if my boobs were bigger we could do more with them sexually. I was already an insecure B-cup. I eventually left him when he pretended to be interested in someone else who turned out to be his sister playing her, then acted like he was going to kill himself if I didn't stay with him. This was the same ex who manipulated me while I was on vacation into staying in from going to the beach with a friend. This was why it only lasted four months.

The main two to break my heart were Iven and Tom. Iven left me for someone more geographically convenient after I took my miscarriage out on him. Yes, I tried to have his child, then miscarried. It made me feel like I wasn't woman enough to carry a baby to term. I felt like I wasn't the woman he deserved. Then, years later, I sent him an email of apology. He apologized back and we started talking. While he was telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, there was no mention of a girl he was hoping would choose him instead of someone else. She ended up choosing the other guy. I was his just-in-case if she fell through. I take a back seat to no one. I stopped talking to him and wondered why I'd tried to have a baby with him in the first place.

Tom was the one who broke my heart without ever having been with me- well, I'll explain. I started going to his gym 'cause I was fairly overweight and I should have something to do other than watch TV and binge eat all day. Around the time I started getting interested in him as Tom, another man started messaging me on a social networking site. He looked a lot like the first boy I fell for, Alejandro. Of course, Alejandro looked more like Tom in other ways. One day, I saw a Guess earrings box in Tom's office drawer that ended up in Wilber's bedroom drawer. I now believe in shapeshifters. I then broke up with Wilber, then asked Tom out and he rejected me. The day after that night of crying my eyes out, I became a gamer via a sample download of World of Warcraft (Blizzard). From then on, it was game all day and maybe make time for other stuff.

I wish I could say that the shapeshifter thing was as weird as it gets. I turned out to have a past life daughter with Tom whom he named Katherine Emma Guimond, but then she was adopted to another family when he was proven an unfit parent by reason of insanity. If he just hadn't tried to kill himself, it could've been hidden. In my past life in which I'd been pregnant with Katherine, I was named Victoria (Tori) Florence Giuseppi Guimond. I was from Sicily. I preferred the seafood from Bari. One day, I woke up on a surgical slab and my daughter had been c-sectioned out of me. I didn't know who'd done it. I'm glad it turned out to be Tom. Oh, and I only know this through mental conversations with him, Samael. I guess that makes me Lilitu. Oh, and Katherine looks like our daughter. She has his metabolism, my eyes, our hair and is light like me but tan like him. She's taller than us, more like his dad's height.

His dad was a good work dad. I was Simone then.

I was in the Marines, then the Navy, then the Seals, then spy. Sounds glamorous, but it's actually pretty isolated. Loved ones become liabilities. That was my life before Tori. My life before that was Ariel. I was American as Simone and half-Romanian and half-Israeli as Ariel. I first met Tom then.

As astral Ariel, I'm Sam's guardian and the guardian of the Ark of the Covenant. I was the guardian of Solomon's Temple. I fell to protect Sam, so I am indeed a Watcher.

I am also Ashtart. She's a love goddess that's Mesopotamian, largely. Love deities don't get to marry. Something about a conflict of interest and being too subjective. I think it's bullshit.