Ended Love

”You’re doing it wrong..”

”Thats not what love is…”

”Everything ain’t about you….”

Honestly, so many phrases and comments that I don’t even remember them all. So what is love exactly? By definition, love is a deep affection for someone or something. I think I like my dad’s definition better though. He used to say, “Love is something you can’t explain. It hurts the heart and fucks the brain.” Love can control you. Love can diminish you. Love can hurt you. If used improperly. But when used properly, love is also powerful and kind and warming and peaceful. My dad was a man who utilized love properly. No matter what issues may arise between him and someone else, his love never changed!

I find myself searching a lot for love. In people, in places, even in things. One place I never thought to look was within myself. The only way I’d search myself was to see if the phrases that rang out in my head were true. At 26, I lost it all. How? I lost my dad. I fell into the worse depression that I had ever experienced. I stopped fighting. I gave up. Stopped trying to keep up with my own life but instead took on the responsibility of the peoples lives around me. Tried to help them with their own hopes and dreams while my own were on the back burner. How I felt didn’t matter. What I thought didn’t matter. What I had to say didn’t matter. Not to them but even more so, not to me.

I wanted badly to die. That’s how low I had gotten. I went from sleeping in my car in New Orleans, to staying with someone who made it seem like I was safe with him in Houston, loosing my car, to staying with a family member in Cincinnati, back to homelessness in New Orleans. For 6 months, I continued to sink lower. Continued to loose more of myself. It got to the point where i barely wanted to look in the mirror because I didn’t recognize myself. I felt worthless. Felt like I would never make it. I didn’t see a way out. Everyday I fought with my anxiety and panic attacks. Denial after denial. Rejection after rejection. And with over 100 family members that I thought I could reach out to I had no one to help me.

I have given up on doubting myself. I made it a point to find my true potential and my true self. On March 14, 2022, I made the commitment to myself to be 1% better everyday. While busing from Cincinnati back to New Orleans, all I could think about was what I could do to better myself. How can I be 1% better everyday? How could I move from total defeat to at least having a place to sleep?

My ex extended his hand. I had been denied by homeless shelters (even though I have no home). But still I didn’t give up. Once by my ex, I hit the internet hard. Searching sites, sending emails, writing down phone numbers. I found food pantries and still attempted to find a homeless shelter. I began to fill out applications for jobs as well, even though I still had to obtain my social security card.

Finding a job wasn’t even the hard part though. The hard part was finding self motivation. Even in the midst of things starting to look up for me, I still had a hard time finding hope in my circumstances. I still found myself thinking about the past hurts. Thinking about all the ways people have downed me. Thinking of all the ways people have doubted me. But more so thinking about how what everyone else had to say to and about me became what I said to and about myself. How many times can I go through the same cycle but not even know or understand why the cycle is happening? How do I break the cycle?

I started looking out for myself. Started saying no to people and setting boundaries. Started removing myself from those things that serves me no purpose. Anything that makes my anxiety fluctuate in any form or fashion I no longer associate myself with it. I had to truly start to ignore everyone else opposition and opinion about my life and live based on what I know to be true not what people said about me. I had to find comfort in the fact that I’m not for everyone. I am loving and kind. I am energetic and outgoing. My energy intimidated people around me and that’s why they had to say the things they’ve said about me. I had to stop giving into that and form my own opinions about myself. Those intimidated by me have issues within themselves. I had to learn that.

While I love my family, I don’t tolerate their opinions, their ways, their energies. I simply maintain my own. I accept that I am who I am and they don’t know who they are within themselves. I no longer search for what I am doing right or wrong, I just do as I feel needs to be done and if I don’t want to I’m not going to. I set boundaries now without a second thought of anyone else’s feelings. I operate based on what’s best for me. I ended toxicity within my own life and it’s been better ever since.

While everyday isn’t perfect, some days I struggle to stay focused or struggle to push through my tasks, I still fight to be that 1% better. My daddy used to say, “As long as you’re working, it’s working.” Somehow, I still hear his wisdom ringing in my ears. At this juncture in my life, I’m simply living in wisdom.