Empath-Girl

I am cursed with empathy. I was unaware of its grip on me throughout my early life. When I graduated grade school, I won the Christian Living Award and was called upon the stage and given a plaque. I felt so proud of myself. I wasn't the best athlete or the smartest kid, but I was the kindest. I was the kid who was always smiling and intensely aware of the feelings of those around me. I tried to control the temperature in every room I entered by assessing who was angry, sad, or anxious, and I would accordingly deliver my antidotes. I would tell the angry person that they look nice, the sad person I was there if they needed to talk, and hug the anxious person. Years of doing this caught up with me.

My empathy eventually turned into depression as I grew up and realized that I couldn't be happy just making other people happy, I had to make myself happy too, and I had no clue how to do that. Once teenage hormones kicked in, I was a hot mess. Suddenly my Spidey senses that gave me access to everyone's moods was a burden I couldn't bear. I still smiled and wore my shiny happy persona, but inside I was filled with dread. I couldn't understand, for example, why some people might not like me. What is wrong with me? I was incapable of accepting that someone could be my friend and then talk poorly about me behind my back. I was always proud of my assumption that everyone is good until they prove themselves otherwise; after all, isn't that how justice works? But I was naive, I was too sensitive, I believed every lie, and I was painfully insecure.

Once I was in my twenties, I had become a professional people pleaser. Maybe I couldn't solve all the problems, but I could try to make everyone happy by being what they needed me to be. I didn't want to go to University, but my dad wanted me to go, so I went to school because I couldn't tell him the truth, and the school put me on academic probation. The whole time that was going on, I told my dad that I was doing great and going to school every day. That was a lie. My mom wanted me to be happy and joyful, she didn't want to see me depressed, so I didn't tell her when I was struggling, and instead, I smiled and laughed and was the ideal daughter. My friends wanted to party, spend money, and live the high life. They had money that I didn't have, but I went into debt to wear the best clothes and get my hair done and be the party girl they wanted me to be. When I would allow myself to be vulnerable with boyfriends who said they loved me and let them see my dark, sad side, they would eventually leave. When I had a horrible panic attack in front of one of my best friends, a girl who I did everything for to keep her happy, she disappeared, never to call me again. One of my oldest friends committed suicide several years later. Her struggles with mental health took her away. I tried to do more for her, but I could feel her pain like it was stabbing me in the heart when I was with her. I didn't know how to fix her, and I couldn't make her happy.

Eventually, I started having regular panic attacks and anxiety issues. The world had become an unbearable place to be. Social media made it worse with everyone's emotions and opinions constantly on display, and I saw my doctor, who then prescribed anti-depressants. Empath numbing drugs help me cope. I can't feel all the feelings, not without losing my sanity. Right now, we are in the middle of a pandemic, and we are on high alert trying to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. We are watching the number of people dying rise every day. We are watching people of colour get murdered by police, and some of the powerful men we thought were good guys are turning out to be rapists and misogynists. We are watching as the earth gets sick, and it's too late to fix it. We are watching cancer take loved ones away, and we can't find a cure.

This world is too much for a girl who wants to make everyone happy. It is exhausting trying to navigate my ocean of feelings. It breaks my heart to think of little me, with all her good intentions and her big smile on her face as she accepts her plaque. She wanted to make a difference in the world that would eventually kill her joy and take away her smile. Despite all of this, I still have empathy; it is a big part of who I am despite the pain it causes. I also have hope and deeper relationships with those who stood by me, so I embrace it every day as my superpower and kryptonite.