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Emotional Abuse

A Personal Account

By HarrietPublished 4 years ago 6 min read
3

I didn't know I was being emotionally abused until it was too late. Sounds ridiculous to say I didn't know someone was treating me badly, but that's where emotionally abusers are clever. It's a gradual, brain washing process that you don't even see happening.

For me, it took a councillor I was seeing about being depressed to tell me I was being emotionally abused. I thought it was brought on by not dealing with my father's death properly who passed away a few years before. She helped me realise that the way I was feeling was not being brought on by something I was doing, but by someone else's actions.

After that visit, it was like a penny dropping from a height and piecing together every moment, argument and comment on its way down.

I often think back to the first comment he ever made that had an effect on me; "Why don't you do something with your hair, it's so boring." It's so obvious right?!? We weren't even married then, I could have just left, who say's something like that? But I'm not talking about your run of the mill, badly brought up boy with no manners, I'm talking about an emotional abuser who already had me right where he wanted me.

They will make you feel like being with them is a chance of a life time, and any other decision will be a terrible mistake. They will make you feel like you are the centre of their universe and no one could possibly love you like they can, which is why, when they say a comment so rude as that one, it was fine, convinced myself it was called for and I absolutely did dye and restyle my hair the very next week! There were many comments like that, that were often masked as 'banter,' like the time he told my parents I could have 2 weeks to get back in shape after our son was born. Everyone laughed, but he wasn't joking, and he convinced me to take on the challenge using guilt. Guilty of being lazy, unattractive and weak.

But of course, this was all very easy for him, he would say one thing and I would do exactly that, because he had already broken me down. By this time it was easy for him to up the control: Opening my mail so he could 'keep a track of finances.' I couldn't go for drinks with my sisters or friends because they were 'manipulative' and if I did I was stupid for it. Aside from that, fighting back was exhausting and I was too mentally tired.

Once I got wise to what he was doing (thanks to the councillor at Mind), things got really bad. I started standing up for myself, I started distancing myself from the marriage and I decided I had to leave. I was becoming a danger to myself and I wasn't able to be the best mother I could be. I was drowning in a sea of toxicity. I had mentally removed myself from the abuse but not physically and I was beginning to become unstable, a liability to myself. I had to get out. But of course, leaving an emotional abuser is never easy, just because you are now aware of their actions doesn't mean they can't still manipulate you to move in the direction they want you to.

Now this next bit is important. This is the most manipulative thing any abuser will do (not just emotional abusers), and they are almost always successful. When you say you are going to leave, they will promise to change. AND THEY DO! For about a month. And you will be back with that false sense of security, believing that 'things will be better this time.' But before you know it they are back to their old ways, once they are satisfied you are back in their safe space. They don't change and things never get better.

It was during this time that I realised something; the more distant I became to the relationship and the more numb I became to being shouted at and being called names, the more desperate he became. He was losing control, and when you starve control from an abuser, that's when things can get dangerous. The drinking got worse, the arguments got more aggressive. He was chasing the control and I was removing it. I felt less and less safe. But he was very careful to never lay a hand on me, although I think there were one or two times he came very close, and it was normally at the times I showed the least amount of emotion that he had the least amount of control.

So I'd been through all the stages - False sense of security - manipulated - stolen self confidence - depression - realisation - distancing, and now I was at the decision and planning stage. I'd made my decision that I had to leave. My first plan was to ask him to leave the home. But asking for help on this was difficult. There where no signs of abuse. Which is why I say, emotional abusers are the cleverest of them all. I had no bumps or bruises, he wasn't a bad father to our son and I couldn't prove his alcohol problem, so when I asked the police for safe guarding, I was pretty much laughed away. 'So he hasn't physically hurt you in anyway and you don't feel like you are in immediate danger?' Was what I was asked.

Saying, 'I'm becoming a danger to myself,' was responded with 'You should get some counselling.' So that was the end of that.

knowing the situation I was in, knowing I needed to be safe, and knowing I didn't have any money, I phoned Womens Aid for advice. And that's when they helped me plan my escape. They helped me get a room in a Womens refuge hostel where me and my son stayed for 6 months with nothing but a bag for life of our possessions... (but that's a story for another post). Leaving was by no means easy. The guilt was the hardest emotion to concur.

See, the thought of leaving an abusive partner is scary. For many, it's the fear that if the perpetrator finds them it could be life threatening. But for others and myself it was the guilt, which seemed to be his crux over me through the whole ordeal (yes, I used ordeal instead of marriage), I knew the reason he was like this was because of his own insecurities, he had many demons that he wasn't equip to kill, I was the only thing in his tiny world he felt safe and confident about, and I was about to take that away from him too.

The control is a mask for their weakness. They don't feel like they have had control of anything else in their lives, particularly their insecurities, of which there are many. And leaving will leave them vulnerable. Without you they have no drive. They have nothing to feed off and so become weak.

I hope that my words can help anyone recognise emotional abuse and give confidence to leave. No one has the right to inflict pain (mentally or physically) onto someone else and other peoples demons are not your fault and not your burden to bear. Staying will not help them become a better person. They must recognise they need help WITHOUT you there to distract them.

Peace and Love

Harriet

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About the Creator

Harriet

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