Dreams

2 mysteries....

I woke up and I’ve never seen a face more clearly than I did this one. I thought I knew who she was. I opened my phone and immediately scanned all of my various media to find the woman in my dreams. I heard her voice. I saw her eyes. I felt her hair. I made her laugh. I saw her cry. I didn’t want to let go. I felt at peace with the idea of having finally found my forever. I woke up panicked. I woke up stressed. I woke up severely saddened at the reality that it was just a dream. That I had not figured out one of my greatest mysteries. I so badly wanted that to be the person that I feel God has created for me. I don’t know her name. Or where she lives. How do I know that the dream wasn’t just an amalgamation of my innermost desires? How do I know that it wasn’t God showing me the person that’s meant for me? How do I know I’m not just being overly optimistic or pessimistic? How do I know if I should just have faith that God will bring her to me? I saw the woman that would co create my family. Share my name. Build my legacy. Grow old with. Die with. And the thought that today I have no idea where this woman is saddens me to tears. Because I don’t know what to do next. I can’t work with the idea that I’m just idly waiting for what may just simply be a dream of a beautiful woman. Who can I share this with? Because I don’t understand. I literally have tears because most days I feel empty inside because I am not IN LOVE with anyone. I don’t feel that the woman that is meant to be my forever exists in my current capacity. How do I find her?

Dreams piss me the hell off. They are 2 in my list of mysteries. What are they for? Or they here to just torment us? Are they glimpses into another life? If so, that’s even more cruel. Are they simply things that our brain wants to delve deeper into when the rest of the body is resting? Are we meant to learn from them? How can I love someone in a dream that I’ve never met? Felt? Spoken to? What does that mean for my soul? Heart? My sanity? I know I’m not losing my grip on reality but my patience is slipping. Today, I decided I wouldn’t be initiating any communication because I’m sick of being the one to check on people. I feel used up and empty and it makes me bitter and resentful and not feel like V. The man in my dreams is not who I am today. I put on a face to make others feel better because what I feel and appear on the inside don’t help others feel at ease. I don’t have a place that allows me to be at peace and just FEEL. I love my dreams and sometimes I want to dream more than anything else. More than dealing with reality because the fact that those may just become dreams with no possible reality sets me back. This rocks my soul to the core to have to face that. I want to be happy. But I don’t know what that is anymore. What I imagine could just be the feelings I get from my dreams. How do I even know if it’s tangible?