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Don't Think These Toxic Relationship Traits Are Normal

by Michael V 3 months ago in advice
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Be aware and do it

Don't Think These Toxic Relationship Traits Are Normal
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Unfortunately, there was no course in school or university that taught students how to have a successful relationship or how to select a partner who makes them happy.

And talking about toxic relationship, the characteristics are not only common in our society; they are even revered.

Screaming matches into steamy make outs and the image of love becoming all-consuming, all-or-nothing, and "happily-ever-after" become major motion picture hits.

We frequently conflate "love" with toxic behavior and think frogs are Prince Charmings because the things that genuinely make a relationship good, stable, and rewarding are not particularly exciting, do not sell well, or feel dramatic enough for the big screen.

These characteristics may seem typical, yet they could harm your relationship (and what to do instead).

1. Speaking in absolutes

Imagine this: I could never be with someone who says such horrible things, you say, as opposed to admitting, "What you just said wounded my feelings." You remark, "I deserve someone who constantly listens to me and cares about my feelings," as opposed to, "Your reaction to what I said made me feel unheard."

Sounds recognizable?

Absolute language sets up expectations for the relationship that have nothing to do with your spouse and are instead centered on your own "ideals."

Even though you could be trying to make a point about that particular situation, you're unintentionally telling them that they don't deserve you. Do you know how things turn out?

A small issue that can be discussed and fixed becomes a more significant message about your relationship as a whole.

What to replace

Stop relating to your partner in general based on what they might be and start accepting them for who they are.

Instead of expressing why you don't consider them a worthy enough spouse, express explicitly why their behaviors harmed you at that particular time rather than making generalizations about them.

In that situation, try to stay away from words like "always" and "never." Instead of making generalized allegations, address each problem separately.

2. Expecting your partner to fix your feelings

How many times have you argued with your partner because they didn't support you through a difficult moment or didn't show you enough compassion?

Have you grown bitter because they didn't provide you with the emotional support you required? There is a great difference between being supportive and feeling emotionally compelled, even while it's crucial to seek out your partner's support and cooperation.

Without feeling as though either of you must rely on the other, you should be enhancing each other's lives.

What to replace

Yes, you should be able to express to your partner that "This feels hard to do alone" in a happy and healthy relationship. I need your assistance to get through this.

But ask is the crucial verb. Without expecting your partner to "fix" anything, express how you'd like them to be there for you and how you're feeling.

In other words, stop expecting your emotions to be in charge of your happiness and start taking responsibility for them.

3. Intense conflict means passion

Everybody enjoys The Notebook, even with its scream-fests that end in passionate sex scenes.

Off-screen conflicts or screaming battles caused by "passion" are always the product of underlying issues like immaturity, communication issues, or even characteristics of relationship abuse like narcissism or control.

Whatever the reason for the constant fighting, it creates an unhealthy relationship and eventually leads to exhaustion. Love should, in fact, feel kind.

You should feel more content than furious or angry, and your relationship should be more stable than up and down.

What to do instead

Rewire how the two of you approach issues.

Consider the situation as you and the problem vs the other. Prioritize your partner's feelings over their words. This will restrict your capacity to become distracted when something is uttered in a rage or out of annoyance.

Start being appreciative of the aspects of your relationship that don't involve passion instead. I'm referring to their generosity, their support, and the fact that you two have similar interests.

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About the author

Michael V

Hi! I am a university student with high interest to share valuable content and lesson I got especially self-improvement topic.

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