Dixie Chicks Got Me Thinking ‘bout Forgiveness

Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I don’t think I could.

They say time heals everything. But I’m still waiting.

-The Dixie Chicks

The return of the Dixie Chicks got me thinking about forgiveness. Their famous song on the matter looped in my head for hours, as I sat in front of a blank screen trying to figure out what to write.

“Forgive and forget” were the first words I typed out. I heard that saying so many times growing up and how I always hated it. The sentiment always struck me as so trite...cliché.

The truth is that for many of us, a forgiving nature may not be a natural state. When it comes to my flight or fight response, for example, I opt for the latter. If you hurt me, I’m going to stand up for myself. That makes forgiveness hard because I tend to lean towards payback. I try my best to be compassionate, humble even. But I’ll admit it. I cling to righteous indignation at times.

Why Forgiveness Is a Struggle

First off, It feels unfair.

Let’s take it to the extreme and spend a few moments considering Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby. Do you forgive them for their past behaviors? If your answer is no, we’re in agreement. I can’t forgive them either. At least not yet. But why? It’s not like they got away Scot-free in the end. Weinstein was sentenced to 23 years in prison, and Cosby sits in a prison cell right now. Haven’t they paid the price for their deceit? Isn’t their punishment enough for you (or me)?

Sometimes the answer is no — it’s not enough. This happens when forgiveness doesn’t match up with our ideals of justice. We feel the individual hasn’t been adequately held accountable. That there hasn’t been enough restitution for their offense. We worry the offender will go on with their life, never truly understanding the impact their actions had on us.

Thankfully, most situations aren’t as extreme as Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby. Most situations are relatively minor in comparison. But our resistance to forgive comes from the same place — our sense of injustice.

In these moments, our emotions are unresolved. The feelings of anger, bitterness, and sorrow rise to the surface searching for vindication.

Secondly, grudges feel good.

There’s a sense of satisfaction in knowing that someone owes you for their transgression, isn’t there? And being the center of other people’s sympathies and caring inquiries can manifest pleasurable sensations of self-importance. Granted, it’s not socially fashionable to admit to any of this. But sometimes there’s a weird sense of celebrity that comes with playing the victim. You feel heard, validated and, most importantly, valued by your supporters. It’s not a bad place to be, which makes it awfully tempting to linger there and avoid taking a more forgiving approach.

The Harmful Nature of Grudges

The problem with fostering the unforgiving aspects of your personality are three-fold.

The pent up anger that comes with holding a grudge can cause physical illness. Your bitterness or pain can morph into real problems like high blood pressure, clinical anxiety, and insomnia.

Sometimes the rift between two people grows bigger than necessary due to grudges. The pain lingers, the resentment grows, and the damage takes on a life of its own. People around you start to feel like they need to take sides and bad feelings spread amongst the rest of your tribe. Relationships are torn apart.

Finally, walking around with chronic anger and resentment can bleed over into other areas of your life. This can turn out to be more damaging than the action which led to your unforgiveness in the first place.

None of these are good outcomes. By finding courage and practical ways to forgive, you can move through your negative emotions and into a better space of acceptance, healthy boundaries, and grace.

When You’re Ready to Forgive

If you’re ready to let go of the weight of unfairness and victimhood, it is entirely possible to forgive. You’ll especially know that you’re prepared to move on when you find yourself in one of these scenarios:

You can see more than one angle to the situation. Looking past the offense and examining the circumstances in totality, you can humanize the offender. You may still struggle to see them in a favorable light, but at least you can somewhat view things from their perspective. In some cases, this can even lead to an opportunity for you to build a relationship that transcends the negative situation itself.

You can see a bigger picture. First, you acknowledge that it is in your best interest physically and emotionally to find closure. Then you realize that it’s ultimately best for everyone else. That’s when you know you’re emotionally evolving in the situation.

Your wisdom overrides your emotions. Emotions should not rule the roost. When sense dictates, forgiveness will happen. Wisdom sees the benefits despite the perceived loss. When wisdom nudges emotions to consider moving on, forgiveness is possible.

The Path to Forgiveness

Forgiveness may not be second nature. But if you’re ready to let go and move on from blame to freedom, here are some tips that will make the journey easier.

#1. Share the impact. A key component of forgiveness is sharing the impact the situation has had on you. Holding your feelings inside isn’t part of the healing journey. But sharing your truth can bring you closure, renew confidence in yourself, and help the person that has harmed you to gain perspective.

The key is to use language that isn’t cruel or shaming. Being able to state your feelings maturely with integrity will go miles towards restoration and offering grace in a difficult time. Sometimes hearing the impact that actions have had while withholding blame and judgment can allow for someone to truly change from the inside out.

#2. Ask questions. After you share your thoughts, ask any questions that come to mind. Sometimes being able to clarify can add to the healing. Many misunderstandings have been resolved when details are shared. Sometimes relationships can grow more profound and more connected after conversations delve into understanding what happened from both viewpoints.

#3. Find compassion. Compassion is the common ground that allows forgiveness to grow in difficult soil. One of the easiest ways to find compassion is to think of a time when you needed forgiveness as well. Recalling times when we messed up or blundered can make offering forgiveness easier. Depending on how deep the cut, relying on our own humanity can be the healing salve that leads to redemption.

The most natural path to forgiving big things is by routinely forgiving small things. People who are proficient in forgiveness demonstrate a rather admirable outlook on life.

• They see life as fallible and understand that everyone makes mistakes.
• They see people as generally good rather than bad.
• They don’t tend to sweat the small stuff or expect perfection.

People who find it easy to forgive have a corner on the happiness market. They’re usually better at thinking bigger picture, which provides them a broader viewpoint on how the world works. This tends to make their lives easier.

To access that mind space of forgiveness, you can emulate them by sharing the impact situations have had on you and asking questions that bring closure and clarity. Finally, finding compassion for others — through realizing your own humanness — will humble you and cement stronger bonds between you and the people around you.

You’ll be a happier person, with lighter thoughts and a more generous heart. The reality is that, in the end, your lack of forgiveness will always be more harmful to your own state of mind than that of your offenders. To forgive is a real act of kindness that you lavish upon yourself.

Now, I’m not there yet with Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. I may never be. But in situations where I can choose a brighter path to resolution and restoration, I’m willing to do the work. Are you?