Deep Love

**WARNING: THIS POST GETS REALLY DEEP AND IS VERY PERSONAL.**

Love

To some, it's just another four-letter word that gets thrown around and over-used. To others, it is the most beautiful thing they can have in their lives.

No matter what we may say, feel, or do, we all seem to want it.

But, here's the trick: How do we truly love someone if we cannot love ourselves?

That is a question I have asked myself every day and it is a question I ask others. It is a question I have posed to others to get them to look deeper into themselves. Why do I do this and why do I emphasize the importance of self-love? Because I know that, in order to truly love someone with all that you are and give them what you have, you have to know yourself well enough and love what you are and what you have to give.

In my past, this has been one of the biggest obstacles I have faced. For years, I found it very hard to love myself. I struggled with my self-identity as a teenager, trying to figure out whether I liked men, women, or both. I'm now in my early 20s and can safely and confidently say that I do still like both and have no actual preference, despite what a previous post may say ("I'm a Lesbian"). I also struggled with self-esteem issues brought on by bullying in junior high and high school that made it hard to love myself. From being ridiculed for my style choice as an emo/scene/goth kid to being bullied about my weight, I've had it all. I was even at a point mocked for being knowledgable on witchcraft and Satanism in high school, to the point where I was accused of being a Satan worshipper who sacrifices innocent animals and children to the devil for my own gain. (Talk about bullying and paranoia extreme).

My crushed self-esteem and bullying only bled into my relationships. I still struggled to accept myself and found it very difficult to do so, because I felt as if my family looked at me as if I was the black sheep. I was still goth, I was still into wearing black (still am), and I was still into witchcraft and studying both Wicca and LaVeyan Satanism in my own free time. I met people who accepted it, and at 19 fell in love with a guy who taught me more about it and also taught me what chakras were. I started smoking pot and having tarot readings done and realized I had the gift of reading, too. My partner then even bought me the first tarot deck that I have ever owned. I still have it, and frequently use it today. However, I still didn't love myself enough, and in my freshman year of college, I was back and forth with this guy even though he turned out to be someone I didn't need to be with. Under his influence, I became this toxic being who turned the abuse and neglect from him into abuse and neglect towards myself and my family. I started drinking, ditching classes to smoke with friends, and doing plenty of other things that were, admittedly, foolish. I was crashing on the couch of one friend and in the dorm room of another on numerous occasions just to get away from my problems, my roommate, and myself. And I was in and out of a relationship with the wrong person for two and a half years.

When I finally got myself out of that situation, I had severed some chords with friends that were also toxic. A few months after finally ending the back and forth relationship, I found myself falling for a transgender girl. She swept me off of my feet and plunged me headfirst into a new kind of love that felt wonderful and looked so good on the surface. But, behind the scenes, I still dealt with a lot of self-esteem issues. I always thought she'd want to leave because I couldn't be what she wanted. I always had a feeling that she wanted more than I could give. It wasn't until she dumped me in my dorm room in October that I realized that, while some aspects of that romance were amazing, others were not. Long story short, we just were not compatible. I still love her as a person from afar and as a distant acquaintance, but I have realized that she was yet again not the one for me to commit to fully and spend the rest of my life with.

Since then, I have been calling upon what is important to me and learning to love myself more. I am embracing my talents for writing, card reading, and motivational speaking and writing. I have done more for myself and formed stronger friendships and bonds lately than I would have done had I continued to go down the path of self-hatred. While I still struggle with some social anxieties and self-esteem issues, I am steadily working towards a better version of myself and loving myself more and more every day. I am becoming more confident and passionate about myself and what is important to me.

And, most importantly, I know what I want from myself and from love.

So, I leave you with these messages based on my knowledge and experience:

1. Love yourself and become love. Embody and embrace love and be the energy that you wish to receive in this world.
2. Be the person you want to attract, and you will attract the right person into your life.
3. Don't fall in love with beauty. Beauty is what may attract the eye, but physical beauty can fade. Do not fall in love with lust. Fall in love with truth and vulnerability.
4. Fall in love with yourself FIRST and realize that you are whole without someone else. Only then will you attract another WHOLE being into your life who will resonate alongside you.
5. Fall in love with the person who makes you unafraid of yourself. Fall in love with the person who makes you feel like anything is possible and tells you and shows you that it is in subtle ways every day. Fall in love with the person who encourages you to succeed and who gives you just the right amount of push without overstepping your boundaries. Fall in love with the person who helps you break down your barriers and defenses and who sees through your facade. Fall in love with the person who treats you the way that you deserve to be treated and who sees your worth. Fall in love with the person who lets you know that it's okay to be vulnerable and who is vulnerable around you. Fall in love with the one who is your light in the darkness. Fall in love with the one who tells you and shows you that you deserve them even when you feel as if you don't.