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"Dear Mikey"

Damn! This girl had me pegged back then!

By Michael N. ChinPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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January 2, 2000

Dear Mikey,

It has suddenly become very important to me to some how express the thoughts that have been beating around in my head in the months that we’ve been uncommunicative. I wonder do you serious not understand how your ignoring my offer felt? How important and serious that offer was?

Do you know who you are and are you afraid of yourself? You bury yourself so deeply in others as if distancing yourself from any time to examine yourself, can you even know who you are instead of what other people see from you? So much you speak of being everywhere, watching and doing everything with and for others, do you ever relax and let life flow for yourself? I understand you’ve never shown me your weakness, though you do profess to have it, I don’t understand why when I know of so much else.

Or perhaps you’ve kept me from that and the image of you that lives on in me and in so many people is nothing more than a carefully constructed vision of you that you used to cover those weaknesses. You know no one would care about you if you didn’t feel real to them, but you are so real to everyone that everyone cares and loves you.

I worry about you. I worry that you are trying to hide from something that something is yourself. Like you can’t accept certain parts of yourself and are trying to release your demons or bury them. Do you accept the past and embrace it as part of yourself? I can’t imagine it would be so terrifying that it would need hiding because of the man you are now.

A person can learn from anything nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so you say. I cannot see a version of you that would be unfadeable. But I’m probably babbling and deluded and not understanding the whole truth but this is what I’ve seen; you lie to yourself and pretend to make things easier to bear for yourself no matter how hard the past or present may be under any given situation. You’ve been true to everybody else around you except for your own self. You refuse most help because it makes you feel depended or obligated. Therefore, you have remained independent upon doing things yourself, head of your own life. You spend your time to think alone with yourself, yet sometimes refusing to be by yourself. You have this tendency to be everywhere when others need you, you’re right by anyone’s and everyone’s side. But what I have done and what I’ve been forced to do is examine myself and know exactly who I am. I listened and learned from watching this from you as you always seem to examine and cross examine yourself frequently as you say to know others is wisdom and to know oneself is a higher state of mind. And what does that to do with you? I don’t know but now I’ve got to tell you about me.

It hurts, it hurts a lot to have your heart broken and have no resolve. Of course you know that right, but your intelligent heart and mind helps you find your resolve. I can’t. My problem is now that I’ve set the wall there can be no return. I know you’ll say I’m wrong but that’s how I feel. But part of me screams to be allowed to return to how I was when you walked across my thoughts several times and that part pleads with me, “Maybe he doesn’t know what you meant. Maybe he missed it or wasn’t ready for it and will be.” That stupid hope which I’ve tried so hard to extinguish and I thought I’d done a rather good job of it too is still alive because it still doesn’t feel like you acknowledged my offer with full understanding. And oh God it hurts to wrestle with myself over such a thing. Also to know in the end that I might lose. Willingly give up. It’s frightening.

I’m scared of myself, because of what I believe. I believe if a man hits a woman even once and she goes back it’s her own damn fault for any and all pain that comes afterward. Unfortunately, I’ve had to apply this principle to a broken heart too. But I don’t want to. I want to fling myself back to the crazy happy state of bliss that I fell into when I offered you my soul and repaid my debt. It’s tearing me apart, because you were such an important part of my life, such a incredibly strong influence.

So yeah, I have been abusing my head and my heart rather thoroughly over the break. And while I can’t bear to your companion at this point or ever, my heart tells me I can’t stop being concerned about you. You’ll always be my friend. P.S. You were right about you being a heart breaker … then again, I did it to myself well knowingly I couldn’t have you anyways …

Julia D.C.B.

friendship
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About the Creator

Michael N. Chin

Welcome to my collection poetry, prose, and writings. My base writings are of life, love, stories, philosophies, and inspirationals to bring my life's experiences and thoughts to the forefront. Life is too short. Don't miss its adventures!

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