Dear 13 year old me,

hey b,

This letter is coming at you from a version of you that you haven’t met yet. So, hi! How are you? That’s a trick question - I know how you are; confused and angry, but just trying to hang in there. This isn’t a ‘hey, maybe don’t do this’, but more so a ‘hey, you’ll be okay’. You will take on so much that was never meant to be yours to carry. So, we can set it down whenever you’re ready. Which I know when that’ll happen cause I’m writing this from the future, but that’s not relevant.

You’re going to learn things you shouldn’t know about. You’re going to feel pain that you shouldn’t know what it feels like. It’s going to feel like the world has it out for you, but it’s nothing you can’t handle (I know it’s something everyone says & you hate it, but there’s some truth to it). You’ll come to find out that I didn’t always believe in your potential. In the most crucial of times when you needed as much positivity as possible, I wasn’t there. I’ve learned so much from watching you through my memories. Your world will seem to be ending in a few years, but in true Bailey fashion you will keep a smile on everyone’s face through it all. But please don’t forget about yourself, you have a habit of making sure everyone else is good before you check on yourself. Running away and distancing yourself from everything might camouflage your pain for a brief period of time, but you can only hide yourself from the truth for so long before it turns its lights on and makes itself seen. Which when it does, you’ll be forced to really look at yourself in a way you avoided. Also, you’re not alone in this; your favorite person is by your side through it all no matter how far away he might seem to be. If I could take the pain away from you for good, I would. But, that pain will make you so strong. Just remember that just because you’re strong that doesn’t mean you need to act strong all the time, it’s okay to not be okay. You will always want to know the “right” way to process your emotions. It’s an answer you will always be looking for and I’m here to tell you that there isn’t any answer. The “right” way to process your emotions is however you do it during the time that you feel those emotions. Sure, down the road you’ll look back and think you could’ve handled whatever situation better, but you handled it the best way you knew how at that moment in time. You can’t be mad at yourself for that. The biggest lesson you’ll learn is forgiveness. Especially, forgiveness to yourself.

I need to apologize for not loving you like you deserved to be loved. I’m sorry you had one too many days smiling while hurt and laughing while feeling nothing, just so that nobody would worry about you. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal. I’m sorry for the nights you cried yourself to sleep. I’m sorry for it all, actually. But this is when the learning to forgive yourself comes in and there’s a fucking lot of forgiveness that you need to give yourself.

There will be moments you think you know everything and you will know absolutely nothing so maybe simmer down a lil bit. You will want to have everything figured out and to be frank, you won’t have a single thing figured out. But those moments that you do, you will still lose your fucking shit. Literally and figuratively. Just go with it. Despite your best efforts, you can’t control everything. Only your attitude and thoughts. Try to see change as new opportunities presenting themselves to you. It will take you awhile to learn this, but once you do, life will flow a lot easier.

There is something so special in you that is needed on this Earth. Remember to open yourself up more to others, don’t shy away. Be proud of yourself. Connect with people a bit more, your resting bitch face is a real turn off. You act independent, which you will later find out was the best act you’ve ever pulled off. BUT I also wouldn’t change a single thing. The lessons and mistakes made are essential to becoming the person who is writing you this lil letter. I would like to think you would look at me now and think ‘wow, she’s so cool and pretty’ and that’s all I really need to tell myself. You have so much more growing to do even 10 years later, but it’s your journey. Remember to have some fun ;)