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Dating after an emotional abusive marriage.

by Noelle W 9 months ago in love

This is gonna be messy...

My marriage lasted a year and a half, but we were together for nearly 7 years. He was my first everything, and I wanted to grow old with him. I had fairy tale hopes and dreams for us that began to become unrealistic, real quick. My husband never physically abused me, but he did have boughts of anger and emotional break downs and even ended up with a punched hole in the wall in our apartment. He stopped sleeping with me, sexually and physically; he slept on the couch and I slept in our bed. Granted, our mattress was weird and dipped in the middle and THAT'S supposedly why he didn't want to sleep in bed with me... but I still wanted him to. I'd wait every night for him to change his mind and come lay with me. Him never having sex with me made me feel disgusted and unwanted. I thought something was wrong with me. He knew I was struggling with depression, so much so that I was having suicidal thoughts. When I told him this, he shut down and never said anything after that and left the conversation. That made me feel even worse, obviously. Yes, his lack of communication skills was detrimental to our relationship, but I also lacked communicating more with him because every time I would, he would shut down. He treated me like just a friend and put his two best friends before me our entire relationship. I always found myself fighting to be his priority, like he was always mine. Our marriage started to deteriorate pretty quickly after we got married, and then boom - the tidal wave of a sudden divorce.

Our divorce was officially finalized just last September, but I got on tinder 4 months after he left me. Mostly because I had never been on a dating app and was curious how it worked; I didn't even have any intention of matching with somebody, but lo and behold - I made a match that night with a man and hit it off with him. We dated for two months before I told him I was going through a divorce. I regret waiting for so long, but I was scared he would leave. Still, no excuse and I see that now.

I fell out of love with my husband quicker than I'd like to admit. The way he left me and treated me made that easy. This man I started dating treated me the way I always longed to be treated. He was so physically affectionate, and it was what I craved. He treated me like a queen and made me feel things I had never even felt before. When I told him I was going through a divorce, that made him uncomfortable and he decided to call it quits. Understandable, but I was still very hurt. Something that I longed to have for so long just slipped through my fingers... 6 months passed, and I thought of him almost every single day. No matter what I did, I could not get him off my mind. I figured once my divorce was finalized, I'd reach back out to him just to see if there was anything to salvage there. And then one day, I woke up to a text from him saying he missed me. It was one of the BEST feelings and we picked up from where we left off.

Fast forward to the present day. We've gone on a lot of dates, and I've stayed the night with him lots of times, playing video games, watching movies, baking cookies, etc. The more I spend time with him, the more I feel myself falling for him. However, I'm beginning to wonder if all I am is just booty to him. We have sex and it's the best sex I have EVER had in my life, and he says the same thing to me. But when we are together, he touches me and kisses me and holds me, and shows so much affection towards me, it's hard to not wonder if he's falling, too. The reason why I wonder if I'm just a piece of ass for him is that he'll go days without talking to me. It's not like I want to constantly have communication and text all day, every day (although I wouldn't be totally opposed to that...), but just something here or there to make me feel like he's thinking of me. I want to feel pursued... I know I inevitably just need to sit down and talk to him about where we are and what we both want for ourselves... but I think I'm just petrified of the possible rejection... for him to say that I was nothing more than just sex to him scares me, because I really have started catching feelings for him. It was all casual and neutral in the beginning, but now I'm confused and I'm scared to have the "What Are We" conversation.

I'm even wondering and asking myself if I'm really truly ready for another relationship. I have sincerely felt like I was, but all these questions and doubts make me question it. Is it me? Am I doing something to push him away? Is he maybe worried that I'm not ready for commitment because I just got out of a marriage? All questions I know I need to sit down and talk with him about...

Dating is weird. I remember specifically thinking while I was married about how happy I was to BE married and never have to worry about "dating" and talking to other men and dealing with this mess of "does he really like me?" ever. So funny how life works out like that.

Another thing is that I got back on Tinder to show my cousin how to work it and I saw him on there. Obviously, that made me feel like he still wants to talk to other girls, etc which is totally fine because we aren't official or anything... but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed about that. He was the only man I was talking to and the only man I cared to talk to. I did get back on Tinder after that only because I felt like, if he was talking to other girls, I can talk to other guys. We even re-matched on there so I know he saw me. I eventually deleted the whole account because I really don't like talking to multiple guys, especially when he's the only one that's on my mind 24/7 anyway.

I don't know if what I feel for him is genuine, or if it's just straight-up obsession on my part... It's hard to let someone go when they have treated you and spoke to you and fucked you the way you craved it for so many years...

We are going on over a week without talking, and it's weird and confusing. We had a really great weekend in Dallas together; he came over to my friends, had a game night, and then he took me out for dinner and drinks the next day. So it wasn't like things were left off on a bad note... I've been stopping myself from wanting to text him because I want him to be the one to reach out to me... I want to feel pursued... and his silence speaks volumes. I'm sure he will reach out eventually, but until then, I'm sad and confused. It feels so silly because we are both grown-ass adults and this feels like high school drama bullshit. But after everything I endured from my ex, I refuse to settle for less than what I know I deserve. If for some reason, he doesn't want to date anymore and breaks things off, I just know I'd have a harder time getting over him than my ex-husband. Isn't that so weird??

I know it all comes down to communicating. I know I need to sit down and talk with him about where we are, because being stuck in this limbo of uncertainty and confusion is only causing more hurt and confusion, especially for me... I wonder if it is for him, too.


Noelle W

my thoughts are all over the place

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