Cultivating Intimacy with Uncomfortable Conversations

To know my lover is to know fire. Spunky and strong, he has been around the world, touring in battle, amassing culture and friendships galore. The face he presents to the world is strength, assertiveness, valor, charm, and complete sense of direction. Along with all the souvenirs he has picked up in his extensive life experience, he couldn't help but find himself with his own private collection of turmoil. We have known each other for a couple of years now, and the subtle act of disclosure has become an art form to us both. Often messy and always uncomfortable, but so very necessary to our vitality, our intimate wealth.

So, of course, I hear you clearly when you insist "I have tried to get my partner to open up, but I am met with __________ instead." You can insert a plethora of words here, from anger, to hostility, to my personal favorite: detachment; but we must be open to the hidden realization, that all of these reactions are rooted in the same soil, the same innate problem: our partner does not trust us.

And YES. I understand, again, that this may not seem all together correct to you, but hear me out. Yes, our partners trust us, they sleep with us, they eat with us, they have paraded us around their friends and perhaps even their families, how could they possibly not trust us?? The sad reality of the matter is: there are layers to people. There are masks and faces that individuals place against their skin, changing with each audience they appear before. My partner's favorite mask is one of assertiveness, of know how. But deep beyond that mask hides the more introverted, more traumatic parts of him, that only he and he alone can allow me to witness. He isn't alone in this, and neither are you. There are parts of myself I hide instinctively; there are parts of myself I place before others to gauge the reaction. We all have layers of trust.

Now, what I am about to ask can be very uncomfortable. Do you feel your partner discloses things to other people that should be expressed between yourselves? Perhaps they feel their friends can relate more, maybe they even resort to confiding in other potential lovers (eek). I am in no ways justifying ANY of this behavior, just asking you to really analyze your situation. Now, when things get kind of hairy, maybe you found some porn that you weren't supposed to find that has ignited a fight, or you keep getting one word responses when a touchy issue arises—what do you do? We are all guilty of it (I'm raising my hand the highest)—of getting confrontational. Perhaps we feel inadequate, perhaps betrayed... whatever the root emotion is, we feel ATTACKED. So in return, we attack back, am I right? And I will even wager all the money in my account (it's like 15 bucks so don't get too excited) that we have all been on both ends of this exchange as well. Some things that don't seem that important to us are extremely important to our partners. Perhaps some of our identities trigger insecurity in our partners. Trial and error and a lot of all-out fights between us has proven that there is a right way and a wrong way when approaching this pitch black enigma that is our partner's inner world.

But how? How can we begin to open these channels, open ourselves to our partners, become better and more intimate communicators? Well, I won't promise you a perfect formula, or an overnight success, but it sure has done wonders for me and my bull-headed Aries. The below list gives a great outline to apply:

1. Be receptive, with no expectation.

Sometimes, it is better to patiently observe your partner than to demand a response. Giving them the floor, completely open, without any expectation of response, plants the seeds of trust. Sometimes they say nothing of value, just how their sports team is sucking or that jerk hole at work, but this leads me into my next point...

2. Sometimes, the filler conversation gives you a lot of feedback.

Ranting about someone making them seem silly, or releasing some pent up rage about a weak coworker? Reading between the lines is super important in beginning to understand what is going on inside your partner's head. Does she constantly ask if her sexual performance was good? Do certain subjects completely shut them down? Questions can illuminate insecurities they may or may not be ready to sit down and talk with you about. However, recognizing these can aid you in creating the most comfortable floor for when they do want to express this. If you know certain things like sexual performance or intimacy are an issue, try subtle compliments. Try reassurance.

3. Sometimes, silence and non verbal cues offer even more feedback.

Will your partner avoid touch? Are certain acts a complete turnoff? Do they clam up when specific situations or conversations arise? These are vital clues to understanding your partner more. The more you understand, the more you can begin chipping the layers away consensually.

4. Give a little, Get a lot. Eventually.

First off, if you are a great communicator, kudos. I have spent most of my life being a pent up little cuss, paint me green! Sharing vulnerability with your partner when you don't usually can also plant seeds to create a safe space for them. If you tend to share your thoughts too openly to a closed-off partner, it could overwhelm them. Gauge your partner's body language. Intimate conversation is a dance; an intricate dance that usually results in a lot of smooshed toes, but it gets easier with time.

5. Patience is key.

This will not happen overnight. This might not happen in a month, in a year, or five years. Things that we conceal sometimes are locked behind big, heavy doors. Doors we may not even have keys to. If I had a nickel for every time I have turned to my love and said "I feel _____ but I don't know how to express why." And he, like the communicator he has blossomed into would do, nods and tells me he understands, that and he is there if I need him.

6. Prepare for backlash.

When unearthing skeletons, it very important to realize the ground may be haunted. Same goes for these deeper parts of your hunny. When building intimacy with a person who is closed-off, a lot of people get angry or hostile. This by no means gives them any pass to emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse you and BY NO MEANS am I suggesting this. I am saying that it may become inflamed, and your role in this is to diffuse the tension. Remember when I asked earlier how you respond in touchy situations? Apply that here. Listen, diffuse, and let them release.

7. Prepare to feel uncomfortable ASF

Things that may be discussed and uncovered can be alarming, triggering, and can invoke feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, etc. In the position you are in, you have to remember your spouse or partner feels the exact same way. Enter into these conversations when you feel secure, when you feel confident, and objective. These conversations can expose feelings and emotions that happened YEARS before you two met. They can include stories of abuse or ill deeds that might make your skin crawl, but it is important to remain strong and non-judgmental. For example, my lover has recently disclosed some traumatic instances from his youth, which has been carried around inside him, and only him for two decades. Eventually, you will both understand the other's boundaries, and will remember to unload at a time in which your partner is emotionally ready to help shoulder your pain/feelings.

8. Your partner may not know they have experienced trauma.

Once your partner opens up to you, what they disclose may be laced with potent amounts of trauma, the catch is, they have no idea. I see this a lot with men, and the stigmas around sexual abuse between hetero M/F relationships. It is alarming how many men believe their sexual abuse was not in fact abuse. When this happens, denial may follow quickly after, or even divertive language: "It's no big deal," etc. Gently but firmly confirm that it is, it is serious, and their feelings about it are valid. Let them know you mean it, without being overly aggressive.

9. Unraveling issues and Equaling the Ratio.

As you both become more transparent, the conversations may become more heavy. By creating a judge free environment, you are allowing each other to bounce ideas and thoughts off one another. If something inflames you, it is a good time to self evaluate. What has this touched within your most intimate emotions? At this point, you both are becoming more self aware, and should be sharing in an equal ratio. If one partner feels overwhelmed, it can begin closing them off again. Confide in one another, but know when to seek outside guidance, counseling, journaling, or other forms of expression to keep the balance.

10. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCLOSE TO ANYONE

And I f*ing mean ANYONE. Not your mom, not their mom, not your friends, not their friends, not your peers. point blank. The only exceptions to this is your counselor or mental healthcare provider. If your spouse opens up about feeling suicidal or you feel that intervention requiring divulgence is necessary, then you should calmly discuss this disclosure, and why you are going to pass on the information with your partner. Disclosing their most innermost thoughts to you was hard enough, and it took you a lot of time and effort to get to this point. Don't go and blow it because it seemed like a good idea to call up their dad or whoever and try to mend bridges. Don't. just Don't. (Cue feelings of immense betrayal and building the wall twice as thick while simultaneously burning your bridge.)

11. It won't kill you to do some research. Seriously.

Look. I get it we are all very busy. But guess what? Your relationship is an investment, and we invest (or should invest) in the people we love. If you have never suffered a mental illness, but your partner does, it pays to look into resources, tips and etc. If your partner has an eating disorder, lost a parent or WHATEVER, it is important to do your homework. Make a list of what works, numbers to call, etc. Not only will this help you in pinches, but it will show your partner that you are taking their existence and their love seriously. building trust people, building trust.

12. Inches, Miles, and Backtracking.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody. Anyone that tells you they are has smoldering pants. You will have days where words flow like water and honey and everything is sweet to the taste, and others where flames froth at the sides of both of your mouths. The important part here is to apologize for your part in the backslide. Communication is a two-way street and you both have to own up to your own traffic tickets. The important part is to keep things progressive, and to NEVER use what progress you have made, against your love.

13. FINALLY, tend to your own garden too.

If you are anything like me, I am a balled up wad of emotions, that I haven't even started to get to the meat of myself. Make sure to do your own soul searching. The first part of my relationship was a terrible time for me. I was angry for a lot of understandable reasons. It is important to make sure you are the best person you can be for your spouse. If this means journaling, self care, long walks, counselling, or whatever, you need to make time for these things in your life.

We are both open and blooming now, spring time after a very tumultuous winter, and it was because we both buckled down and decided our love was important. Communication can be tough, but you will find that with transparency, love becomes so much richer and more fulfilling. Try implementing these in your relationship today. Water your lover and watch how you both grow through the years.