Contemplating for more

At what point do we get to life and realise just how hard it is? I often wonder how old I was when the first stretch of the morning felt painful, or when the want to do something suddenly became a chore.

I'm only 30, I will be 30 for another 4 months and 4 days, but everyday that I am 30 feels like a chore. Not because I feel old, I really don't, but because I feel fed up.

I think 30 was that point in my life.

Do you ever just ask yourself if it's you that is causing all of the drama or is it everyone else? Is it you that is 'stuck in a rut' or is it everyone else not caring enough? Have you allowed them to become comfortable with their lack of caring or are you just wanting too much?

Can we ever want too much?

Everytime my partner ignores my touch, tells me to shut up, goes to bed at 10pm or leaves it weeks without touching me...only to then touch me with his eyes closed, is that me? Am I the toxic thought or has he given up?

Or, is he just bored, tired and also alone? Does he feel like I am not attentive and that he is living to work not working to live? Should either of our feelings be dismissed as petty ruts or should they both be listened to? Maybe only I should be listened to, maybe only he.

I dream of travel; often alone, alone and free. Just a few days, just to laugh and live without the need to apologise for being me. I dream of meeting people like me: Passionate learners that love, laugh and have a need to gain knowledge. People that hug, read, drink and read some more.

I dream of a partner that always shows me passion and care. Early morning coffee, blankets in the cool damp springs and the sound of birds waking as all else sleeps. Late night chats, laughs and games. Cuddles, kisses, walks and food fights. Passion and passion and passion.

Am I getting too needy? Do I want more than most could wish to have?

Maybe...

No more secret crying on my pillow as I try to sleep. No more arguments with myself over the foolery that is loneliness. No more needy remarks from an otherwise strong and independant woman.

I find myself sitting in silence, contemplating my next move. I throw myself into my learning and my home projects to feel needed, important and busy. I spend hours and hundreds of pounds on decorating each part of my house to make it a spectacle to those that see it. I have something I have completed and I can be praised for. Every, "Wow that looks amazing" or "On to the next project", makes me feel accomplished and important in that moment, for that second.

Every piece of information I relay that I learn, every new word, every name I come to know and every event I come to understand...I relay to feel important. I have shared that information, I have taught them what I have too been taught by somebody that thrives for knowledge like me. I ask myself; are they as needy as me, or am I alone in those passions?

All the while that I do this, I laugh at the lack of care from others as I learn. Maybe I should be offended but I am not. I take a level of comfort as they laugh at me and call me a 'boffin'. Those few moments make me feel important, worth something to somebody. I have knowledge, I know something and I am important.

But yet I look at my life, in all of it's lack of glory. A writer that doesn't get paid to write. A housekeeper that wants for a better job. A mother who can never be again. A partner who is ignored. A person on the brink of darkness, that still laughs everyday.

I dream of so much more.

I dream of love and passion, kisses on my neck as I wash the dishes.

Offerings of help and foot massages after long days.

Days out driving or walking in all weather.

Late night pizza and early morning sex.

Every scar, stretch mark and saggy piece of skin kissed, loved and appreciated.

Looks of passion not hate.

Words of love not ignorance.

I get the impression from myself that while I want a lot, I want very little at all.

Connection.

But, maybe the only conection I'll ever get, is my fingers connecting to this keyboard...

Thank you for reading my work and coming on this journey with me. I appreciate every tip and every piece of love left.