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Conscious Communication

Cultivating the Elusive REALationship

By Michael ThielmannPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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Apparently I've never heard of Google images.

Starting with a poorly-drawn stereotypical depiction of male/female communication styles is just an icebreaker, I promise. As always, I want to share personal and clinical experience to shed light on real-life issues many of us have encountered. I used men and women in this example, but it certainly isn't as black and white as some people still believe. Strong and conscious communication can be applied across the board and transcends gender, sexual orientation, and cultural norms.

Funnily enough, I have come to realize that in my own relationship words are actually secondary to the communication process. Deep listening is actually the key; full attention and full presence. It never ceases to make me wonder where I have been all my life when I try to listen to another person. By this I mean, I am often still lost in my own narrative or opinions while I 'pretend' to listen. I can catch myself loading up my answer and counterpoints in my head and holding my breath waiting for 'my turn' to talk.

These self-observations are meant to be just that; a means of developing awareness about the automatic mental habits that can often dominate in relationships. Learning to love myself even amidst these observations is a key part in moving towards the conscious listening that can form a firm foundation to allow all relationships to flower.

Basically, it is about restoring the balance between thinking and feeling. These days I am practicing "feeling" what a person is saying rather than "thinking about" the content of their words and my own reactions. In my counseling practice, this is much easier to do since I have practiced and developed these skills in order to provide a service to people. The key has been to carry that awareness into all aspects of my life and listen with that level of integrity more and more often.

To bring this back to my core message, it really has to start with listening to our own Self. What do I actually need right now? How can I demonstrate more self-love and self-care in the choices I make? What are the ways in which I choose 'quick fixes' rather than focusing on the long-term healthy choices I know I can make? The old way of self-improvement had to do with bullying ourselves into taking the right actions. There has been a sticky belief that if we judge ourselves enough we will start behaving properly.

We are now beginning to realize that the opposite is true. Regularly giving ourselves loving attention and listening to our true needs provides the courage and motivation to begin making conscious choices. It also allows us to be able to provide the same loving space and attention for our partner and everyone else in our lives. Rather than focusing on what needs to be changed, we prioritize giving ourselves what we actually need and let the outside world fall into place.

One take away from this is the idea that the words we use are of secondary importance. Our loving state of consciousness and ability to slow down and listen provide the fertile ground to allow relationships to flower. We see people getting caught up in semantics: "I thought you meant this, what I really meant was this..." When we are receptive and present with each other words can take up less of our mental real estate. Our hearts and intuitive faculties begin to be included in our interactions more and more.

I thank you for exploring these ideas with me, I am grateful for the opportunity to engage with people and go deeper into the heart of what it means to be human.

www.seedsoflove.ca

advicehow tohumanity
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About the Creator

Michael Thielmann

I am an addiction and mental health counsellor living in Salmon Arm British Columbia. I love engaging with people about overcoming any challenges in their life and being vulnerable and open about my own process as well. <3

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