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Conflict Management Style

Knowing your conflict style helps your relationship

By Jason SimPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Individual Conflict Styles and Their Effect on Marriages

This article is written based on a section of the workshop both my wife and I teach as volunteers. The workshop is called Journey to Intimacy, and is created by a US-based clinical psychologist Dr Wei-Jen Hwang.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of any relationship, and each of us has our own styles of handling conflict, and understanding this is vital in helping us in resolving conflict more effectively.

What is a conflict and the importance of conflict ?

The definition of conflict is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.

Most couples tried their best to avoid conflict. Nonetheless it will happen whether you are happily married or not; conflict is inevitable. Conflict can be a good thing as it helps us understand the needs of our partners better.

Normally conflict happens because the need is real and important to both parties. Having different opinions to the need contributes greatly to arguments. Conflict as Dr Hwang wisely put it is not an issue; it is an opportunity to understand your partner better. Quarrels, however, are something that are optional, and we can do away with them happily.

Another key important statistics that all couples must understand is that no matter how happy the marriage is, 69 percent of marital issues cannot be resolved.

Perhaps with this understanding, we will learn to face up to conflict and not avoid it. If you ask around, most couples try their best to tip toe around conflict or sweep it under the carpet. This might seemingly bring about a temporal peace but in reality what the couples are doing is piling up differences and anger and one day…BOOM!

Conflicting Style

How do each of us handle conflict? It is crucial to understand the different styles, as the styles are our defense mechanisms when conflicts happen. Dr Huang has mapped out five conflict styles onto Dr Virginia Satir’s defensive system:

Blamer (Fight)

Blamer behavior finds fault—never accepting responsibility themselves, always blaming someone or something else. The Blamer hides a feeling of alienation and loneliness behind a tough and complacent mask. Blamers are more likely to initiate conflict.

Placator (Submit)

Placaters are out to please, non-assertive, never disagreeing, and always seeking approval. They avoid conflict. Their main concern is how other people perceive them.

Computer (Freeze)

Computer behavior is very correct and proper, but displaying no emotion, masking a feeling of vulnerability. They often appear cold or unfeeling. A computer can be a firework of emotions inside, while appearing very calm and super-rational on the outside. They often say things that are value judgments without indicating who could have made the judgment, which implies that everyone would agree.

Irrelevant (Mascot)

When faced with serious issues, the person with the irrelevant style will crack jokes and not handle the issues at heart. They will not talk about the main issues but avoid them.

Normally, we have one Primary and one secondary conflicting style. It is important to understand how your partner and you react when facing conflict. Through this understanding, you will know how to appropriate the correct reaction to the issue at hand. For example, if your partner is a computer person, try to give the person the time to process the information. Or if you are a blamer, learn to hold back the blaming.

However, one vital thing to remember is that YOU DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE YOUR PARTNER’S CONFLICTING STYLE, but instead work with the styles, and with the hope of achieving the last style, which is the congruent style.

Congruent/ Win-Win

The most ideal style of conflict i.e. Congruent, adopts an open and honest stance where one’s communications are based on both thoughts and feelings. The Congruent style aims to achieve a win-win situation in conflict resolution.

How do we achieve congruent style?

Dr Hwang emphasizes the fact that behind every conflicting style (with exception to congruent style), there is a child in us that does not want to be hurt. This child persona is the one that triggers our defense mechanisms. For example, a blamer blames first to prevent himself from getting hurt; a Placator holds by pleasing the other person, he or she will not get hurt.

Once we recognize this persona, allow our maternal and paternal instinct to take over. Try to find ways to understand what the real need behind the conflict is, and then learn how to best resolve the issue in a win-win manner.

Try exploring these questions:

  • Q1. What are my conflicting styles? What is your Primary and Secondary conflicting style (Hint: The first reaction is usually your Primary) .
  • Q2. What are my partner conflicting styles?
  • Q3. Discuss with your partner about each of your styles and try to work out how each of you should react when a conflict arises (Note: Please do not ask your partner to change) .

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