Clarity

"A startled rush...A deep breath...Eyes opened...Life begins...Time passes...Memories created...Age hinders...shallow breath...Eyes closed...Life ends"

Is this all there is to life? Sure, there's a lot that happens in between each event, and time spans multiple decades to capture each. But in the end, after the memories have been created and the frailty of the human body and mind hinders and distorts the memories, what is left? Where do we go when our breathing becomes shallow and our eyes flutter and close? For some of us, this moment may last months or even years. For others, it's only a second or two before the heart ceases to beat and life ends.

For those that have stuck with me this far, I'm not speaking about what happens to us after we die. There are many beliefs about that and well, quite frankly, no one truly knows. It's not like we can text, email, or phone a loved one who has passed away. Once their heart stops beating, they are gone from us as long as we remain alive. Instead, I'm speaking about that period where you're still alive but not cognitive. You've closed your eyes, possibly for the last time. You're breathing shallows and may be assisted with machines. Your heart beats and other machines monitor it along with your brain activity. From a clinical perspective, you are very much alive, but where are you? This is a question that we may never fully understand the answer to or it may be a question with too many answers.

My experience.

The year 2020 was a horrible year for health issues. The Covid-19 pandemic wreaked havoc on so many lives, the impact will be talked about for generations. My wife and I had been the primary caretakers for her parents and my Mom for some ten years prior to the pandemic. The three of them lived in our home and it worked. The kids, the grandkids, and the great-grandkids loved having the entire family so close together. Everyone had their own personal space. It allowed our parents to have relationships with their grands and great-grands that many people aren't afforded. Then my Mom had multiple strokes and was sent to a long-term care facility. Shortly after, both of my wife's parents were diagnosed with Covid-19.

They spent time in a hospital and were then sent home. Bear in mind they had been married for a very long time. A few days after arriving home, my wife's Mom passed away from the virus and five days later, her Dad passed away from the virus. Next week, the last week of July marks the one-year anniversary of their deaths. What I want to share with you is something very personal, so please bear with me.

Her Mom passed suddenly. One minute she was awake and speaking to us and the next minute, she had passed away. Her heart just stopped beating. Her Dad was a little more prolonged. I think had he only been dealing with the virus, he would have survived, but I believe a broken heart is what caused his death. Elmer was very loved in our home. This man was both a sailor and a marine. He served in two wars in two different branches of the military. He was a cowboy and a rancher, a truck driver, a surveyor, and a loveable grandpa who loved his entire family with a passion.

After Sandy, his wife passed, he took a sudden turn for the worse so we set up round-the-clock care including nursing care to be with him plus one of us sat with him too. Elmer loved to read and in his final days, he couldn't sit or even open his eyes. So I sat and read to him. He loved the old Louie Lamor books because of the way his books were written in series. While I read to him, I would sometimes pause and watch his eyes. Even though they were closed, they appeared to be flitting about, always searching for something. Whenever we spoke to him, it was the same thing. He never opened his eyes, but they appeared to flit left and right, much like a nervous person looking for something they had misplaced.

On the night of his passing, Elmer was more active than he had been the previous nights. He never opened his eyes and he never uttered a word, but ever so often, he would reach out with his left arm as if he was ushering for someone to hold his hand. My wife or her sister would grasp his hand and he would shoo them away and continue reaching toward someone or something unknown. The hospice nurse told us she had heard of such things happening before but had never witnessed it before herself. Suddenly around 10 o'clock p.m. that night, Elmer reached out with his arm again and said in a crystal clear voice, "there she is", then he passed away.

I can only assume he was looking for and finally found Sandy. Only he knows for sure and I can only offer a guess. I share these memories because referring back to my poem above, memories are the catch stone that bridges the beginning and end of life. Both Elmer & Sandy were in their mid-80s when they passed away. To some, that's a long life. To others, they were just getting started. No one knows how long they will live, everyone has the ability to create as many memories as they can and to remember those memories as often as they can until age hinders.

These tidbits are all self-evident but so many people skip them because they are too busy with the unimportant facets of life. Take a moment to breathe deeply. Reflect on a memory even if for only a minute. Most importantly, love! When the time comes for you to close your eyes for the last time, and you begin that search for whatever or whoever was most important to you, and you reach out, I hope you find what you were looking for too!