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Changing Your Friends

Spoiler Alert: You Probably Won't

By Hannah BPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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I've been wanting to express my feelings on this subject for a while, specifically regarding issues with people my age, anywhere from 25-30, going through this phase where everyone is changing, growing up, and starting to feel tension as differences between friends arise. We all grow up, change and start to need different things from our friends. More contact, less contact, more understanding. The thing is, without us telling people what we want or need from them, they are never going to give it to us. Even then, we have to recognize that not everyone has the experience to develop new relationship skills no matter how old we get, and some people might not be able to give us what we need at all.

What you can't do is decide that person is a bad person because they don't meet your expectations, especially if you haven't given them a chance to try.

When I was a teenager I remember being upset with a friend for not asking me to hang out "even though she knew I was upset." I was pouting and ranting to my mother about my loneliness when she interrupted me and asked, "So, let me get this straight; did you ask her to hang out?" I scoffed.

"No, she should know to ask ME!" My mom calmly spoke a sentence that has been my life's motto from that moment on.

"You will never get what you want if you don't ask for it." People aren't mind readers. Even the most intuitive of people might not know the impact they have on your life and your mood unless you tell them, and they certainly can't change that impact without knowing what you need.

I do believe people can change, and they do it all the time. I don't think people change until they realize it's needed for their own good. I don't think people often change for others, which is why it takes a little bit of patience when expecting someone to make a change and learn new behavior. Sure, people make changes knowing it could benefit their relationships with others, better the treatment of others, maybe even save a relationship from failing, but that all kind of comes back to if they care about how that impacts them. Unfortunately, a lot of people learn how others feel about them when the "change or I leave" ultimatum is given, and the other person doesn't change.

The prompt to change may still come from without, but the actual work comes from recognizing the reward. The point is, I believe people will change if they want to (and are motivated by a reward or ending that they see as beneficial), and they won't change if they don't see a reason to.

I myself have made many changes to my attitude, demeanor and behavior over the years and it's always served me well, especially in my relationships. When I have a crappy week or a few nasty interactions with other humans, I am ALWAYS thinking about myself as the common denominator; I am always looking inward first. The people in my life didn't set me up to believe my negative behaviors were serving me well; I am blessed to have been surrounded by honest and caring people who could say, "Woah, you're being a real jerk!" when I needed to hear it. What's more, when I identify a change I would like to make, whether discovering it through self-reflection or feedback from a loved one, my people help to get me started and hold me accountable. It is REALLY hard to learn something new without a bit of support.

Now, if you know me and you're reading this, you'll most likely know who this story is really about, but for the sake of professionalism, I'll change the name.

I have this friend named... Biff. Biff is a kind-hearted guy, and very much a people-pleaser, to the point of being quite anxious when he feels he is disappointing someone. Biff hides these feelings very well from everyone, and usually comes off as rather care-free and relaxed, but lately these anxious feelings are present more than ever due to the new pressures of adult friendships. Let's take a quick review of the past 10 years.

Biff grew up being a very likable guy, and grew up in a great home for kids to come over and hang out in; he had a big basement to himself with it's own entrance, parents left him and his friends alone, and he was generally not busy after school if he wasn't working his part time job. So, Biff's house became the place to be. Friends came over all the time, literally every day without even asking, and Biff had to make literally zero effort to be social. Biff's social life was never something he had to learn to manage on his own because it was constantly thrown in his lap, and it worked for him. No one ever had to make plans with Biff or give him a call, they simply showed up and invited him in person and away he went. His friends didn't mind making the effort, either, because it ended in them being in a place they were welcome and having a good time, without having to answer to their parents. No one ever had a complaint or told Biff that this behavior, this never initiating social plans or picking up the phone, was not serving him well, or may not serve him well in the future. And so, Biff figured that friendship would be just like this always and forever. He wasn't necessarily wrong, either; even after high school on his days home from his work-away job, his friends would ask his parents when he was coming home and show up unannounced. Biff's need for developing relationship and friendship skills continued to be non-existent. Biff has continued to work away his entire adult life, leaving him about four days per month at home to balance his wife, family and friends for visits.

So flash forward to this "tense" period of life, and some of Biff's friends are angry that he doesn't call or make plans with them in his four days off. Biff's friends don't call him either, but are adamant it is Biff's fault they have lost contact. Biff has never been a guy to make plans because he never had to, and none of his friends are making an effort to help him make this change or tell them what they want or need from him, they just complain behind his back and stop talking to him. Oh, and when Biff's wife attempts to help Biff make plans with friends, to develop the skills to give his passive aggressive friend what they need, his friends reject her and call her controlling.

Now, this isn't about the "why." We all know WHY Biff should reach out to his friends and keep in contact, we know WHY the expectations change when you aren't a teenager in the cool basement get away, but I'm not asking you to think about WHY, I want you to think about HOW.

How the hell is Biff supposed to know that his friends need a written invitation to see him when they have shown him time and time again it is not required?

How the hell is Biff supposed to understand his friends' needs when they have never given him the feedback?

How the hell is Biff going to make a change when, instead of giving him a chance, his friends have completely abandoned him for not meeting their unspoken expectations?

"You will never get what you want if you don't ask for it."

I don't think I need to say much else. Expectations in a relationship are often completely useless and end in disappointment, especially when they aren't communicated. As you continue to get older, you continue to change, and your friendships may require some changes at times.

What you won't get is any progress from silently harboring resentment for a friend who isn't doing what you have never told them you need them to do. What you will get is a rude awakening when you are lonely and none of your friends are "there for you" because you didn't tell them how to be.

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About the Creator

Hannah B

Mom, self proclaimed funny girl, and publicly proclaimed "piece of work".

Lover and writer of fiction and non-fiction alike and hoping you enjoy my attempts at writing either.

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