A wise person once told me, “ You cannot ask a person to be something that they don’t know how to be.” I may have said it in correctly but let me explain.
So, last year I was sitting with my Thearapist and I just became so tired and frustrated that my boyfriend of ten years had not grown one bit. We were raising a child together and he himself was still a child. He wasn't paying the bills on time (or at all), he wasn’t being a good role model to my son let alone a good boyfriend to me. He cared more about looking good, keeping his money to himself, parting and flirting with other women. He would even send money to his people in a different country but yet was 2 months behind on the bills he had at home.
And here I was working 2-3 jobs making sure the bills were paid and that there was food on the table. At one point I had tried to finish getting my degree and I asked if he could help around the house more so that I could focus on my education. He reluctantly agreed and when the time came, he giggled and said “I only agreed to that just to shut you up.” Meanwhile, I was forced to now, cook, clean, take care of a baby, him (and his friends) while still trying to get my school work done. I later transferred to an online school to make my life a little easier but that only pushed my graduation date a year back. During this time is when the teacher at my child’s daycare tells me that he attempted to get her number. Followed by 2 other women behind her saying the same thing and as I’m running out from embarrassment, another woman stops me to tell me he asked her too. I confronted him and he says “Oh, I was just trying to see if I still had it.” With a little smirk on his face. And can you believe that 10 years later, he was still the same person but worse?!?!
I begged and pleaded for him to get his self together because I did not want to start over with someone else. All I ask was that he be a better man and a better role model for our child. And his response...I was asking for to much of him.
But I understood. Everything difficult we had to deal with in our relationships he left it for me to handle while he ran like coward. He didn’t have a father in his life and his mother died when he was only 3. He was raised by his aunties, grandmother and whoever that would tolerate him for the moment. He took scraps as if it was first picks. He had a tough life but never actually went through it; he went over it; he ignored it as if it never happened.
So now that this 30ish woman is asking this 30ish male to stand on his own two feet to be better, is he going to be able to do it? Absolutely not. He never had to before why should he start now? Instead, he took the easiest way out and I walked hardest road I could every imagine.
I asked him to be a man but being a man was to hard for him to do. He just didn’t know how because he had never experienced, witness or even had a reference of what a man was. He had always been surrounded by women or those who would tolerate him for the moment. That was his only reference. That is what he went back too.