Brutally Honest Dating Advice Everyone Should Hear (But No One Has the Guts to Say)

Everyone, or almost everyone, tends to want a special someone in their lives. They want to know that they're not alone, that they can have someone to come home to, and that they can occasionally get laid by said person. Love is a human need, and it's been backed up by science for decades.

As much as it is a human need, love also happens to be harder than ever to attain. Standards are high, and double standards are rife within the system (I ought to know, I gave up on dating and decided to go the marriage pact route myself).

As a relationship writer and as a love burnout, I often find a lot of sore spots in dating. Many men and women go through life wondering why they can't find a mate, why some people get more attention than others, and why dating is so damned hard these days.

Much of the pain we experience is due to the fact that we don't understand the people we're dating or the game we're playing. A lot of the truth behind the dating game is taboo or even downright fucked up to say. Here's what most dating sites will never discuss with you about dating.

Some people just shouldn't be in relationships.

This is a tough pill to swallow because so many of us were born and raised on the idea that someone is out there for us. The truth is that there are a lot of people out there who are just not good in relationships.

When these people are in relationships, they dissolve into toxic, codependent messes. People who shouldn't be in relationships often are abusers, have issues with control and jealousy, or just straight up hate the gender that they want to date.

The most common indicator that you shouldn't be in a relationship is what your other relationships looked like. Did you date a lot of people that ended up hitting you? Did you find yourself miserable, or find yourself constantly choosing people who are "broken" in an attempt to fix them? Or worse, do a high number of your past partners call you an abuser?

If you recognize yourself as being in one of these cycles, you need to break the cycle and get help. When you're in this state, a happy relationship just won't happen. However, if you're honest with yourself and work hard to fix things, you may be able to be in a normal relationship in the future.

That being said, not everyone who shouldn't be in a relationship now will ever actually be healthy enough to be dateable.

The only person you can change is YOU.

It's scary how often we stay in relationships with people who are toxic to us, hoping that we can change them. The truth of the matter is that they cannot and will not change just because we want them to.

While you can tell a person what you want them to be like all the time, if they aren't doing a damned thing to change anything, they're telling you they don't want to change. There's no point in begging, nagging, cajoling, or threatening another person into change they do not want.

If anything, trying to change a person who doesn't want to change will only make them become more set in their ways and buck any attempt you make to switch things up.

In relationships and dates where it's clear that your partner isn't right for you, or isn't treating you right, you need to change YOURSELF. Or, rather, you need to change your situation by getting out of the relationship.

You cannot negotiate love, nor can you negotiate attraction.

I liken this truth to the whole, "You can't expect a lion not to eat you just because you're a vegetarian" line. You cannot negotiate love or attraction. If a person isn't interested, buying them presents and doing other stuff to win them over will not work.

You can talk to them until you're blue in the face, but no matter what the issue is, no will always mean no. If they're lukewarm now, they will probably be lukewarm in the future — if not downright done with you. If they're totally not into you now, they will not pan out in the future.

People don't marry the person that made them go "meh," unless there's an ulterior motive involved. Don't be the "meh" date. Stop chasing dead leads, and you probably will go a lot further in life.

Looks matter, period.

Most people would rather date a supermodel than a homeless bag lady. We are naturally wired to look for sexually attractive partners, and this is true for every gender on the spectrum.

It's not fair, and everyone is, at least to some degree, shallow. However, I'll be straight up in saying that looks matter a lot more now than they did before. There was a time when guys would overlook pudge and a time when girls would pay less attention to appearances, too.

Thank social media for that, folks. We have gotten more superficial as a society, and our dating choices are definitely reflective of that. If you want a partner, you have to be at least moderately sexy.

Dating isn't fair, neither is love.

It never was, it never will be.

Life is not a dating sim. There will be people who naturally are more attractive than others, and that's the sad truth of it. There will be people who have totally ugly exteriors that will be unable to find a partner because people won't look past that.

Sex and dating are an extension of our biology. We are wired to find the most attractive and most suitable-for-offspring partner we can find. That's why women want stable/good looking men, and why men want women they see physically fit.

Unfortunately, if you aren't good looking enough or if you don't have enough to bring to the table, you will have a harder time dating than others would have.

You can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone stay with you.

Trust me, I've tried both.

If someone really wants to leave, they will eventually leave. If someone doesn't love you, you can't make them love you. No begging, pleading, blackmailing, threatening, or bribing will keep someone by your side if they don't want to be there.

The smartest thing that you can do, when someone wants to leave, is to let them leave. Otherwise, you'll always wonder when they'll do it again.

Being nice isn't as attractive as being confident and healthy.

This is one of these things that a lot of people don't understand, and to a point, I actually believe that it's an issue that involves mass media. In so many movies, guys who are overweight/ugly/insecure get supermodel-looking girls because they are "nice."

Yes, being polite is attractive. However, you know what's more attractive than that? Being healthy and confident in yourself. Healthy means you're in good shape physically and mentally.

Girls love guys who have healthy attitudes towards dating and women. They love guys who are confident because that's a sign that they are healthy.

Men love women with a certain waistline ratio because it's a signal that they are healthy. Men love women who are happy-go-lucky because it's a sign of good health.

Good skin, white teeth, a stable job, having friends, being able to see the opposite sex as human...All of these things denote that a person is healthy. As a result, we find the feature attractive.

Health, both mental and physical, is the ultimate attraction juice for both genders. After all, we're biologically wired to find healthy people attractive. If you are not healthy, then you will have a very hard time finding a partner.

If you have to question your partner, you can't trust them — and you shouldn't date them.

Trust is crucial in any relationship. This is just the way things are. If you can't trust someone, the relationship is bound to turn toxic for one of you. So, don't try to waste time getting trust in a relationship.

If your partner can't trust you, there's literally nothing you can do to make them think otherwise. Trust is inherent. If you can't trust your partner, you two shouldn't be together...and you should try to figure out if you have trust issues that are making your relationship fall apart.

If they are not committing to you, it's not because they can't.

Everyone, even the biggest of playboys, are capable of commitment if they really try. People can change like that, even if it is rare. So, if the person you're dating won't be exclusive or won't commit, don't listen to their reasoning or excuses.

No matter what the odds are, a person who wants to commit will find a way to commit to you. If they are not committing, it's because they don't want to, or they don't respect you enough to commit.

Yes, this is a bitter, hard pill to swallow. I know, because people that I really thought loved me wouldn't commit to me, and I know how much it hurt to realize that.

Unfortunately, if this is the case, the only thing you can and should do is leave your partner. You should never stay in a relationship where your needs aren't met.

You can have multiple "Ones," or none at all.

There isn't "someone for everyone" out there.

I hate to say it, but it's true. Some people will go their entire lives without finding The One, or even having a long-term relationship with another person.

Others will have multiple options that would all work well with them. Some will have multiple relationships that would be like "Soulmate Level" love.

What's funny is that you never know which category you fall into. If you really think about it, this is a liberating thought. You can potentially find multiple people who are perfect for you. And, if you don't? Well, at least you're not alone in that respect, either.

The biggest statement that you can make is staying with someone.

This sounds so weird, right? Well, think about what you're saying when you stay with someone who you know isn't meeting your needs. It's implicitly telling others, "I don't respect myself," and "My needs don't matter to me," and "I am implicitly saying I'm okay with how this relationship is going."

Meanwhile, leaving says, "This behavior is not acceptable to me," and "I know my value enough not to tolerate this," and "I will not allow you to treat me this way anymore."

On the other hand, staying in a good relationship where both sides respect one another means, "The good times are outweighing the bad, and I enjoy you enough to make sure that I want to stick around."

Leaving is the best way to take back your dignity and make sure that people don't treat you poorly. Staying is the best way to show your appreciation for someone who treats you well. It shows they are worth sticking with, and that you care about them.

Every day you choose to be with someone is a day you're saying "Yes" to them. Makes sense now, right?