Broke

Freeze. How tall is the sky? How wide is the universe? How close is your love...where does your heart lie? How far is your hatred? What does it take...to stop your falling? To quit your wishing? To be free? To promise that freedom and seal it with a kiss from tomorrow?.. What does it take to just be...

Freeze. I'm numb now. I've felt things. I've seen things. Heard things that should've deafened my ears. But here I am. Standing. With no clue of what to do with myself. Paying no attention to my surroundings, but I see where I am, how I came here. At a corner of a street. I thought of something that led to another thought and into another thought, and then another until finally here I stand. Staring idly into nothingness. Plainly seeking no answer to any question, for I haven't asked a question. Just being...still.

Quite still.

Sssh.. and I go. Space. Empty. Cold. Alone. I've felt this feeling before. But why's it come back?

Snap! And I'm back. To whatever reality means anymore. To me.. it's lifeless, dead, broken and pointless.

Just think for a second. Why might I feel negative? All that happened was... hmm, I don't know. I... spaced out. Yeah. I did. But it wasn't good. It was a very unhealthy place and how do I leave? How do I abandon that...place.

That lifeless, energy-sucking, emptiness..

I talk.

I speak.

I write with my own words.

I struggled with my own demons for 6 years. I've been fighting them. I have fought them. I won this last battle. But now they're coming back but not the big, bad dogs. There's a leak. The small beasts have crawled through the broken cracks in the walls. They've been watching me closely, while I dance with joy of relief. Rest. Happiness. And puff. It lasts a minute, not even that, and the little monsters nip at my heels. I'm bleeding everywhere. But why? I've done nothing wrong. I've followed the rules all my life. I've followed good examples. I've followed everything but bad. But what is bad anymore? I'm facing new difficulties. New leakage. New life. New people. New environment. New love. New world. New hope. New sadness. New hatred. New emotions that have no known names. These new things are so colorful, so dull, so overwhelming.

I can't follow anything anymore. I feel too heartbroken to follow anything or anyone. I even follow God.

I still do. But, I can't follow what everyone follows too. I try to make it up to people when I should try making it up to myself instead.

I don't want to live my whole life trying to be small and dependent on mother, father, friends. God. I can't.

It's breaking me, wearing me down.

I need to follow what I believe.

And I believe in me now.

I'm following me. I'm leading me.

All I've ever wanted was to be free.

Not feel free.

Actually be. Free.

Away from this chaos.

This confusion.

Home.

Darkness.

Overcoming me.

Feeding me words worth less than nothingness.

I've been hurt.

I was hurt.

I feel hurt.

I am hurt.

And I am angry.

I'm not known to be angry.

I wish someone knew how often I scream.

How often I cry.

How often I..

Lie..

I scream everyday.

About something.

Maybe someone.

I scream positively.

I scream negatively.

I rarely cry. But deep down I'm flooded. Drowning. Too full.

I lie everyday.

Many times.

I'm good.

I'm fine.

I'm great.

I'm happy.

I had a good day.

No.

I had a great time with my friends today.   Yeah maybe I did. 

I had a good time with my family.

Maybe. But I don't even understand family lately.

I don't understand responsibility from them anymore.

I'm digging up my own responsibility from the core within. By myself.

It's one of the hardest things to do.

Whether I have someone good or bad around me. Whether I have anyone at all around me. One of the hardest things is building my own foundation. Feeding myself my own grown courage, hope, faith, right from my own backyard. I take what I have learned, and I put it in a mixing bowl. I stir it and sculpt my own present and future life out of it, the past.

I get it if you don't understsnd.

I don't know if you do understand.

If you don't want to hear, read.. anything else from me.. then leave.

It's alright to leave. Because. All we ever do is arrive...leave...arrive...leave, etcetera. But moments stay with us. Memories stay with us. Some memories we remember all too well, it's ingrained in our heads. But sometimes some memories are scratched at too much, heal over, and it gets blurry. Difficult to see. Hard to direct yourself to the right side of the line when all you see are splotches that turn into darkness.

And once darkness reaches us.

We pull out a torch to guide us.

But sometimes that torch either loves you, and you trust its power; or it hates you, and burns you. You can't see, if you don't have oxygen for the fire or batteries for the torch.

Even the light is dependent on you.

Just as much as you are dependent on it. We need each other.

You're a light.

You're in the dark.

You need to live.

But you need fuel to live.

Where do we find fuel?

Everywhere.

Good, bad, bit of both.

What's good.

What's bad.

??????????????

If you aren't taught, told, guided...

Correctly??

Then...

How do you know what is good and what is bad?

Deep in your heart you'll know.

Most of the time.

But also...think.

What does it take?

Just. Think.

Entry from December 1, 2018. Perhaps I was going through a tough time. However, I finally have access to my Notes. Yaya!

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