Bliss of Being a Loser

It’s fun to be a loser. Or at least it’s not as bad as being socially involved with people that don’t truly like you. I’ve found that to be my own situation. The having “friends” thing or being a part of a “squad” really gets to me because in my school days nobody liked me enough to have me close. Or maybe I didn’t like myself enough to actually make friends to keep and cherish for a life time ya know? I remember the first day of my grade 10 year and we were in home room and there were two girls (to this day I wish I had made better friends with them) chatting with each other and I just felt myself get insecure and upset to the point I sort of thought to myself of how I “hate” them. It was nothing personal I just hated them over the fact they were able to chat each other up just like that (not knowing each other yet and being able to communicate still) and I was envious over the matter because even to this day I am unable to do as so.

I’m paranoid of my past. My younger days were filled with loneliness and extreme overwhelming emotions. To this day those awful things linger into my daily life and I am unable to cope with my insecurities and fears. My insecurities of being a “pretty girl” where my troubles never got attention because I didn’t look like I was going through anything. That my “shyness” was always overlooked because it’s easier to pass me off as shy rather than being “socially unready”. I’m still this way and it sucks. I’m still a loser and it sucks. It sucks in ways but also it’s kind of fun. “Fun” in High Functioning Capabilities. I’m neither high functioning or merely grasping the idea that I’m not there. Rather as much I’m having fun or at least trying to in my criss cross way of happening to be existing between being sad and being happy capabilities.

Maybe I’m wrong or…maybe I’m so morally correct that my “haters” need to take a seat and practice keeping their opinions to them self. Since I almost always generate self peace or try to I find that it’s hard to have peace… like true-true peace when others use their minds to criticize me & others and don’t understand that those critical thoughts still represent vibes that are negative and unnecessary! I mean just because nobody necessarily hears those mean or rude thoughts it does not mean insecurities aren’t set out into the air and then be placed into someone else’s energy then providing the idea of where insecurities come from.

My insecurities get the best of me on a daily scheme and so I decide to hide away as much as I can. Hiding away isn’t all that difficult. Now to admit what is difficult in this matter is the point that I’ve been hiding since my childhood and I’m too socially unaware as a young adult that makes me lose my mental health’s stability once I consider how much it will hurt to stop hiding and actually be out there in the real world. I’m terrified of it all. That’s my main reason of why I’m still hiding. My fears of the unknown and my fears of more insecurities and more things that will spring up without my heart knowingly being able to protect or fight off whatever defences being thrown my way. It’s just so much. Too much even. To go through or to know others are going through it as well.

To think of how it is. How bad it is knowing you are, your loved ones, people close to you, your secret admirers, the ones you secretly adore and the people you do not know of yet and then at all due to the impossibility of it is a heart wrenching kind of sadness. It is something we must try to defeat. Even if it weren’t to go away completely at least we could all say we tried to fight an issue that presses many into uncomfortable states. These uncomfortable states are honestly holding some sort of power. A power that is strong and oh so ready to be used but the world could use less witchcraft and more steady streams of humanity and their placement of arriving at a good time to then on represent why things are easier to understand when you are the piece of the full story that nobody can defend. I mean many times an issue can’t be defended because of the impulse in which released anger has had nothing to do with the consequences and more so with the actions in what lead to the bitter taste of being in the wrong.

Being in the wrong seriously isn’t as pegged off as you’d probably assume it were to be. I mean if we were to allow for beauty to escape and express itself in its truest forms of happiness then that will now linger some of humanity into a better state of existing. So then there is nothing else to do besides focusing on and creating and then maintaining a precise idea of capturing the most genuine ways of being and keeping things in the same category. We cannot include negativity and positivity in the same lane because of some horrible things and situations that get head budded back and forth due to the matters that they are both far off the spectrum of staying where they need to be. That my insights and will for the land of us is so much on the side of getting closer and closer to a complete healing and steady upbringing for the points of this discussion indeed need their attention and for their peoples understanding to no longer chase false claims that have no good returns for those that had ever intrigued and intended to be bitter for a timeframe of some longer and worthy for some more.

I’ve finally figured out how to understand my life’s predicament and it’s truly a sad excuse for me to wrestle with the horrids that turned me from a bright and blossoming young little flower into something that would be part taken into my side of showing the world or a few of its people what it’s like to be a person who’s been hiding a lot out of their personal public story. That my enriches slowly hold me tight and have my back no matter how much the bad issues of the other side of the in differences in my personal set do have to offer back towards me. It’s quite difficult to find or to even understand but it’s still a part of my story that I need to be putting out there for somebody maybe anybody to see for themselves and witness why the bliss and the burdens of being a loser are such a heavy weight. That there’s good in the bad but also yet there is also bad in the good. It may take time for the full comprehension of this one’s story but the end result is usually sufficient enough to help prove that the cure is here and that it is very much alive.