Beyond Fear

So, you want to know what I'm affraid of. Fear is an interesting feeling. And it's about self-reliance. We tend to think that it has to do with what others may do to us, or what life will bring in front of us. But, it really is a matter of how we will react, if we are going to let external conditions to decide about our inner one, and of course, it is connected with our --false, in my opinion-- belief that our body is all we are...

Do you know what homelessness taught me? When your house has the sky as its ceiling and its walls are invisible, you discover --if you want to "see"-- that the only real safety on this spherical island where you were born is yourself. When all the "props" around you collapse, you turn to the only space you can finally control; your "inside". This collapse is a ticket to freedom. A ticket, of course, merely offers the possibility of going somewhere. If and when you'll go is up to you.

I'm homeless for the last four years. The house I had before was decorated with golden chandeliers. "I have" was very important to me. I identified it with being. My self-worth was measured by my material possessions. I was possessed by them instead of having them. I couldn't stand "I am" by itself; not without labels to accompany it. Since I believed that I was nothing without these, that's where all my fears came from. What would I do if I lost them... What will I be if I just "am" without something to follow? The main fear was one, of course: That I wasn't enough. That I wouldn't be able to stand if I didn't have external support. All the other fears came from there. When I momentarily discerned one of them, I "closed my eyes" to avoid it. It was like cutting it off. But the more I cut it off, the more it multiplied. Like Hydra's heads.

Life responded appropriately; I lost everything. The collapse of my financial empire took my social status and all my resounding titles with it. I had nothing. And therefore, I felt that I also was nothing. My first two years as homeless were spent in self-pity and anger. The lack I feared so much had become a reality. Gradually, however, I noticed myself and wondered: "If I have nothing and I am nothing, then, what is it that I am holding on to now? How do I stand in my ellipsis?" One day a man sat down beside me on a bench to rest. He spoke to me as if he didn't see that I was dressed in rags. He didn't care about my image. His judgment was not affected by his eyesight... I shared my story and my recent thoughts with him. We stayed within an active silence for a while. Then, he got up, picked up his bag, and left after saying: "Perhaps zero is not an empty concept after all."

I spent weeks contemplating this. One day I realized what it was that I finally had within the ostensible lack; myself. This gave birth to many processes within me that I was gradually becoming aware of.

An incident came to test me, to see how I was managing my basic fear. One night a drunk guy woke me up by pulling my hair. He dragged me from the bench to the sidewalk and put a pocket knife to my neck. "If you make a sound, I'll fuck you," he said, "but... I'll fuck you anyway." He laughed as he pulled down my pants. Fear had completely immobilized me at first. I was numb all over as if only my body had hit pause, while everything around me continued to flow, and I continued to observe it. I felt detached from it, and something inside me made the fear dance an oxymoron tango with fearlessness. A crystal clear certainty had filled up my mind. Clarity had washed every confusion; I was sure that I would be unpenetrable by anything that could happen. It was like observing the whole scene from above, knowing that I was just watching a movie; my personality participated having the role of Phoebe, which is my name, but I felt I was wider than her.

Suddenly, I heard myself say "You can only affect my body, you asshole! I am beyond that! I am more expanded than that"! He laughed but suddenly started moaning. A dog had bitten him on the leg. The man who walked the dog yelled that he was going to call the police. He got scared and stumbled away. But for me, what I experienced was enough.

The revelation that I had the ability not to be corroded on the inside by what was happening on the outside was a catalyst. I had not eliminated fear, but I was able to act independently of it, not letting it handle me. That's what I do when I'm afraid. I see fear and its opposite, but I remember that I can be beyond both of these; that I can just be.

I think my fear got scared; I notice that it doesn't multiply its heads so often anymore...

***

***

Anthi Psomiadou — CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 International : Credit must be given to the creator/ Only noncommercial uses of the work are permitted/ No derivatives