Being in Love with a Narcissist

by Raurie Fanning 4 months ago in advice

A guide to being with the master manipulator, and how to say "bye love."

They are really good at emulating human emotions.

You are always wrong, even when you're right.

The thing you need to know about a narcissist is that even when you confront them with the truth, they will still lie. They will make you believe it's all in your head. Even if you have solid evidence, you are still wrong. The entire population could be on your side, but guess what: You are still wrong.

Even if they do finally accept they are wrong, it is still your fault. YOU made them do it. It was because of what you've done. Even if it means bringing up past mistakes you may have made and apologised for. A narcissist will do ANYTHING to put the responsibility for their actions on someone else. They will NEVER just accept they were in the wrong, even if they don't have an excuse for their behaviour.

The narcissist will make you question your own sanity. The narcissist will call you mad, paranoid, and delusional. They will say that everybody else has said it too. They will manipulate you into thinking that everybody else in your life believes their lies. Alarmingly so, once a narcissist manipulates you into believing lies about yourself, and those around you, it can be assumed you are now tangled in their web.

There is nothing worse than being called a liar when you know you're right.

You can't trust them with anything.

Ok, so the narcissist has you fooled. You now think that you are in a loving, supportive relationship. You start to open up about your deepest fears, your past mistakes, and any other trauma you have experienced in life.

The narcissist may appear to be supportive and understanding. They may shows signs of empathy, but don't be fooled. The narcissist doesn't have any emotions. They are just really good at emulating them in order to make themselves seem more normal.

The narcissist will use this information as a weapon. In an argument you will be reminded of everything you have told them, and it will turned on you. It was all your fault, you deserved it, and they hope it happens to you again. When bad things happen during your relationship they will appear to be supportive of you, but will use this later to verbally assassinate you.

My narcissist used my experience of childhood sexual abuse to strike up a convo with his ex, so you get where I'm going with this right? Your experience of life is just information for them to use. They don't care about how it made you feel, because if they did, they wouldn't use it against you.

They start arguments to justify future behaviour.

The narcissist is the most calculated creature of all. They will start an argument with you, so they can go and do something that usually, would not be acceptable, for example; cheating.

They knew exactly what they were doing. They sit there in a mood, you constantly asking what's wrong (because you feel like you've done something, even though you haven't, but that's exactly what they want you to think).

Suddenly an argument has erupted, they are walking out the door, and you are left feeling like utter shit thinking, "whoa, WTF just happened?"

Don't worry babe, you didn't do anything wrong. The narcissist doesn't cope well with feelings of guilt, so they had to find a way to justify their actions.

When they eventually make their way back to you (because let's be honest, our narcissist wouldn't let us go easy like that) rest assured you will be reminded of how it's all your fault, and you made them do whatever it is they've done while they were away. That's only if you find out though (which more than likely you will, because the narcissist is a stupid creature at heart and always ends up dropping themselves in it).

They turn their back on you when you need support.

Have you ever noticed that in a time of need the narcissist is nowhere to be seen? This is intentional. The narcissist wants you to turn to it for help and support. It will use this as an opportunity to further make you feel like shit and isolate you. That way, it can swoop in and save the day by making you feel as if they were the only ones who were there.

Now you feel like someone is there right? This is what the narcissist wanted. To make you think they saved you when you were at your lowest point. In order to do that they have to first isolate you, and make you feel like you need them. They do this by being unavailable, and making themself busy during times of need.

They make you look bad in front of others.

The narcissist is really good at slyly provoking you into a situation and making you explode out of sheer frustration, and now, you look like the bad guy.

In my experience, I would find myself getting wound up at just how different the narcissist would act around others. Almost as if butter wouldn't melt. My friends would sit there laughing and joking with him, and I would get angry that he was able to fool them. I guess I just wanted them to see him for what he was, so that I didn't feel like it was just me.

Like a volcano, I would sit there brewing, and eventually I would erupt for whatever reason. Great job, now I look like a complete psycho, and the narcissist looks like a victim, which is exactly what he wanted. Now the narcissist has more evidence to support the theory that it's all your fault.

They only tell half the story.

A narcissist will only ever tell the bits that make them look like the victim or the hero. Never the part that highlights they were in the wrong.

Your version of events is always detailed and 100 percent accurate, whereas their version is more like a fictional fairytale, and you play the Wicked Witch every time.

His friends don't like you.

During a disagreement the narcissist will always be keen to remind you his friends don't like you, and they all warned him about you. You have to remember, they only know what the narcissist has told them. The narcissist loves to play the victim. I guarantee if they knew the whole story they would not be so supportive and understanding.

Your mom doesn't like him.

Mom knows best. If your mom said he's bad news, then he is. End of story.

They use aggression and violence to intimidate you.

It's bad enough being in a mentally abusive relationship without living in fear of aggression and violence.

When the narcissist doesn't get their own way, you will start to see their aggressive side. If you continue to stand your ground that aggression can translate to violence. They will tell you that you asked for it, or that you provoked them. This is not the case. They were just angry that they were not getting their own way. They were not winning the argument, and needed to regain the upper hand, literally.

This is dangerous territory, because fear of violence will prevent you from standing up for yourself, meaning you will succumb to the narcissist, and they have free reign to be the monster they are.

The attachment is suffocating you.

Narcissists are usually insecure fucks. This is their own fault. Nobody done anything to them. It's their own actions that have made them like this.

At first their attachment to you might be flattering, but after the honeymoon period is over and reality kicks in, you will begin to realise just how creepy it is.

They want to be with you all the time. It's nice at first, but sometimes, I just want to be alone and play with myself you know like that love.

You can drop a million hints and they still wont get it. Out of frustration you end up snapping at them. Even then they probably still wont get it. You literally can't go anywhere without being reminded that your narcissist exists, and is sitting, waiting for you to return. The thought of it being something you dread.

All those times when they text saying "I miss you," and you text back saying you miss them too. Stop lying to yourself. You have only been out of the house less than an hour. You are relieved for some space away from the narcissist. All you are doing is feeding into their insecurity.

The truth is, the narcissist doesn't miss you either. The narcissist misses having you in their possession. They feels insecure knowing you are existing without them, because they can't exist without you. They need you for stimulation, that's all. Without you, the narcissist is lonely.

If you find yourself making plans with others out of sheer desperation not to spend time with your narcissist, you are already one foot out the door.

All that's left to do now is:

Say Goodbye

Saying goodbye is not as hard as you think. As soon as you realise you're with a narcissist you need to ask yourself a few questions

  1. Do you truly believe that love should be like this?
  2. What would you say if a friend or family member was going through this?
  3. Do you actually think you are the problem?

Think about all the times you were right. Think about all the times you actually doubted yourself, but were proved differently. Think about what genuine happiness feels like. This isn't it.

Remember, you will never win with a narcissist. The only way to say goodbye is to say goodbye and leave. You will never get an apology. They will never accept they are wrong. There is no reprieve. You might think you're not the winner here, but believe me you are. By leaving you are winning.

Let them have the last word, because the last word is all they have, and believe me, they need it more than you. The only thing a narcissist wants is someone to inflict their narcissism on. It could be anybody. It won't take long for a narcissist to move on, because unlike us, they don't feel love. Instead, the seek someone vulnerable who will allow them to stimulate their narcissism. Without you, the narcissist has nothing. Even if they tell you differently, I promise you they don't.

Ignore the calls and texts. Ignore the abuse. If they show up at your house don't answer the door. If they become aggressive, call the police. Show them you are not accepting this for yourself anymore. Would you accept this for your sister?

When the abuse turns into an apology, ignore it some more. The narcissist is not sorry for their actions. Their apology is not a realisation of their mistakes. Instead, they have just realised they are now all alone. Seek comfort in knowing you are not a narcissist, and pity them. Imagine how sad and isolating it must be to live your life like that.

You are better than them. You WILL find love, just not with a narcissist, because a narcissist is not capable of giving love.

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Raurie Fanning

My life. My rules. 

See all posts by Raurie Fanning