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Behind the RBF

How it all started

By Call Me KyPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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Me and my trusty companion (headphones)

Often times I found myself completely annoyed with everyone around me because they continuously tell me to fix my face. Tf is wrong with my face!?

I think back to my childhood and try to connect the dots. Maybe there’s some huge red flag in my past that can help explain my ways. I’m laughing at myself right now as I type this because it just sounds so damn dramatic. But seriously who isn’t? I’m trying to figure myself out at least, right?

I remember when I was younger I used to get into fights and arguments because of my face. No lie, you read it right. My damn face. I didn’t know until it was brought to my attention SEVERAL times that I was, “mugging!” Mmmmm... ok boo, sure. I wasn’t mugging. I was deep in thought. I tell you man my ability to drift and fixate on my desires should win me a damn Grammy! I would be in complete daydream mode and WHAM! I’m getting shoved by a friend to tell me “so and so” wants to fight me. Apparently I was staring her way and “so and so” didn’t like it. And just like that I’d be public enemy number one.

Most of the time this happened on the light-rail, for those of you that don’t know, it’s like a subway. I had to ride it basically everywhere so it left me with plenty of opportunities to meet the local “so and so” who thought my face needed to be slapped. Listen, if only you can hear my laughter right now after typing that. But honestly it’s true. I can laugh about it now because after being acquainted with my lovely face for just about 30 years now, I can see why someone who doesn’t know me would think I needed a reality check. But I can assure you, I’m plenty aware of all reality, yours, mine and everything in between.

See it’s the opposite of what people think. I feel EVERYTHING! I feel way too much! We will talk about that in another story but let’s get back on track. I’m constantly thinking about everything. My mind is like Dr. Strange, my body being tethered in the 3D realm, while my mind splits off into several different dimensions following the nudges and pulls it feels. Which, I can only guess at times can leave my face to make all types of expressions.

I remember having long talks with my older brother about defending myself. Now anyone growing up with an older brother knows that you are constantly being put into random headlocks and jump attacks. Followed by the familiar phrase, “quit hitting yourself!” You know this one right? Where someone grabs your hand, makes a fist with it and makes you sock yourself in the face repeatedly? Ugh, yeah! Annoying as hell.

By the time I was a teen I was well equipped to handle myself. So fighting off the local “so and so” wasn’t going to be hard work it was just something I didn’t want to have to do. Of course, the older I got the more I was targeted. And unfortunately the bigger the girls got too! I’m about 5’ flat on a good day, small as hell! I vividly remember being cornered getting off the light-rail by this Samoan chick. She rushed me while I was walking home yelling and screaming. Side note, one thing you should know about me, I constantly have my headphones on drowning out outside noise, so naturally I didn’t hear her. She rushes up screaming about something, I frown my face up as to say, “what?” And all I see is her frown up her face and swing. I duck out the way and she had so much momentum behind that punch, that she fell forward. All her friends start screaming “Ooohhh! You got dropped by a lil one!” There was no dropping on my part, it’s just, “Gotta be quicker than that!” (State Farm insurance commercial reference)

After she hit the ground and finished cussing me out from embarrassment, I asked her who she was and why she’s swung on me. Do you know what she said? She said, “Ain’t you Keisha?” “Keisha? No, that’s not my name.” They all started laughing saying, “Oh shit girl! My bad! You look like this light skin girl I know name Keisha. I can’t stand that bitch! That’s why it was on sight when I say you.” Are you kidding me? Keisha almost got my face smashed in. I never met Keisha, I never did get to tell her how our similarities somehow made me a target for public ass whoppings.

From that day on my brother wasn’t comfortable with me walking around only having my fists for protection so he taught me a trick. The razor blade trick. You’ve probably seen it in movies. They have a small piece of razor blade that you hide in your cheek for protection. “You only put it in when your alone okay? When you’re with a group of people or at school, just keep it in your bra”, he’d say with a smirk. I know what you’re thinking and YES the hell I did keep it in my bra! I made a little slit on the side of my bra big enough to slide my razor blade in and small enough so it wouldn’t slide around.

I walked around like that for a few weeks without any problems. That is until the same group of girls rushed me in the same spot. Hell probably around the same time too! This time though, I was ready! They walked behind me for a few blocks giggling and calling me “Lil Light Bright,” ugh I know. I was about a block away from my house when I started to become irritated because if you are going to jump me, just do it already you know? Just get it over with. Plus I didn’t want them to know where I lived either. It’s bad enough I have to deal with them in public. I’m not trying to deal with them on my block too. I suddenly just had an outburst of adrenaline and turned around and yelled, “Y’all ain’t bout shit!”

Now pause, where I come in Northern Cali, that phrase is an invitation for someone to either say what they have to say, or do what they have to do. In this case I wanted her to do what she had to do. Next thing I know the same Samoan “so and so” grabbed me and put me in the same choke hold my brother used to put me in. Now this caught me by surprise, I don’t care how many times you practice, it’s still catches you off guard and a slight panic kicks in. All I could hear was my brother in my head saying, “You’re small so people will want to manhandle you. Don’t let them.” During my panic and grasping for air all I could feel was my face getting extremely hot. The friends she was with some laughing, others telling her she’s going too far. But no one stopped her.

I suddenly snapped out of it and remembered that I had my handy dandy razor blade. But it wasn’t in my mouth. Guys, it was still in my bra. Here I am, getting choked out, panicking and exposing myself to strangers feeling around for my razor blade slit. I felt it in between my fingers and snatched it out. I sliced her from her wrists half way down to her elbow. She let go real quick! Screaming and crying. All her friends screaming calling me crazy. And all I can think of while on the concrete, gasping for air, coughing and shaking is that, she just tried to kill me! They ran off on their cellphones screaming at me, telling me they’d find me and they’ll be back!

Listen, I hauled ass all the way home! I can running in the house yelling for my brother to tell him what happened. For the next few weeks, all I did was look over my shoulder. Just waiting. I never did she her or her friends again. But from then on I knew that something about my face triggered people and that was a problem. And if people thought I was mugging before, we’ll now I’m doing it intentionally. Because maybe, just maybe, doing it with purpose would keep people away from me. Let me listen to my music and daydream in peace. Think what you want. I don’t know you. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.

Now as an adult my RBF is still there but of course I’m not going around fighting anymore. People don’t do that now. The older people get, the more subliminal the attacks are. All still coming from just completely not taking the time to get to know me. To know me is to love me. I’m probably the goofiest person you’d ever meet you just have to get pass the RBF.

To the Samoan “so and so” I sliced, I’m sorry. I hope you’re living your best life and staying safe during this quarantine.

humanity
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About the Creator

Call Me Ky

Ascending to greatness one foot at a time.

Artist/Spiritualist/Tell-it-like-it-is-ist

Founder of @Shameless_Ave

www.ShamelessAve.com

Follow me on Instagram @Shamelessky

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