Beginners Guide to Being Friends with an Ex

When I was younger, first experiencing exes, my general rule of thumb was: I’ll be friends with you if I did the breaking up, but if you did, I’ll never get over it.

Although sometimes the chips still fall that way, I’ve hashed out better reasoning over the years and I’ve brought it together to share.

Do not be friends with them if it crosses a self-respecting boundary, principle, or value.

An ex recently reached out to Facetime and catch up. All went well and at the end of the call, he suggested we get together for dinner, as he was visiting California.

“Totally,” I said in the casual, cool-girl way I used to say to everything when we first began seeing one another when I was 20, living in New York City.

Then I woke up the next morning with a dreadful knot in my belly, realizing I wasn’t 20 anymore and in the six years since, I gained a better idea of what is good for me, what I like, what I value, and what I stand for. I don’t believe in the ending of that relationship. I think it was grounded in the wrong principles. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love with him and I would never try to recreate something together, but I also wouldn't have ended it. Out of respect for myself, I can’t give my time, energy, and friendship to a man who couldn’t see the value or importance of what we were creating.

If you feel misunderstood, like your ex is missing something that you value, it’s not a good idea to be friends right now. You should wait and you can revisit the idea in the future if you change your perspective on what happened and what it all means.

Be friends with them if it’s an authentic expression of (unromantic) love.

I have love in my heart for the men I’ve dated because at one point, they were my everything and that will always mean something to me. If you and your ex have good feelings towards one another and want to move into friendship out of fondness and warmth, then do so. This is a rare circumstance in my experience because usually relationships end with one party feeling a bit wronged. However, there are situations in which neither does, the relationship happened and finished and you have nothing but warmth for one another. This is good and well and you will feel it in your gut, so just follow it.

Do not be friends with them if what you really want is to be something more.

Definitely guilty of this. The mindset being that if you can’t have them the way you want them, then you will take them in this small way you can have them–as a friend. It’s a really self-deprecating stance, though. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you in the same way that you want them. If you remain with a potential mindset, you are giving away all of your power. You’re in a mindset of lack and a generally bad place to be. If you want more, don’t settle for less. Let it go and see what shows up in its place.

Be friends with them if you’ve both verbally communicated and understand why your relationship ended and what it will be like going forward. (Closure and motives).

Usually a break up isn’t the last time you speak about the relationship. It will often take a couple of conversations after that to get clarity on what happened between you. I had an ex who asked me to go rollerblading shortly after our breakup. I was so confused and honestly just pissed at the idea.

“I don’t want to go fucking rollerblading,” I texted angrily.

There were so many steps that needed to happen before we were in rollerblade territory.

Don’t go into a friendship if you haven’t communicated and don’t know where each other stands. Discuss what transpired between you and why a friendship is the best next step. You both need closure and clear motivation.

After we had our closure and motivation discussion, my ex said,

“Now can we go fucking rollerblading?”

“Yes, now we can,” I said laughing.

Do not be friends with them if you have not spent the appropriate time apart to mourn the relationship.

As annoying as it can be for the patient-challenged in this world of instant gratification, time does heal. Things happen in the time that passes after a breakup. Just let yourself be in that place where it seems like nothing is happening. Let yourself cry, be sad, be lonely. Let yourself feel any of the waves of emotion or nothingness that you feel after a breakup.

I have relationships that have been over for years that I’m still processing. I might never be able to reconcile their ending and that’s okay, but it does mean that I shouldn’t be friends with those men. On the other hand, I have relationships where I spent the necessary time then created a friendship. Unfortunately, there is no prescribed amount of time, but I generally give myself six months minimum to mourn before I start to build a friendship. I’m pretty emotionally aware and extremely self-reflective, but it still takes months for me to go through the process. It’s different for every individual and every relationship, as some naturally mean more than others.

Be friends with them if you work together, go to school together, or have mutual friends.

If you have to be in each other’s lives in a professional, academic, or social capacity, then you should find a way to be friends. (Sometimes it can’t be helped, but next time, think twice about starting a relationship with someone who is in one of these parts of your life.)

I dated someone who was in my beach volleyball league and after we broke up, we weren’t friends. It was a social league and we would switch partners if we lost. When he and I played against each other, we played as hard as we possibly could. He hit rockets at me. I was up for the challenge, but I knew it was charged with animosity and everyone around us felt super awkward. The others never suggested we be on a team together but were also terrified if we were playing against each other. It wasn’t a good situation because we were making the experience poor for everyone else because of our inability to reconcile.

So if you need to interact, figure your shit out, if only for everyone else’s benefit.

Do not be friends with them if it makes you doubt the breakup.

If hanging out with them makes you nostalgic for the relationship and you find yourself doubting why you broke uo to begin with, then don’t be friends. You probably aren’t over them at that point and time.

I wanted to be friends with one of my exes but every time we hung out and were having a good time, he would ask why we weren’t together. I would get so frustrated, having to rehash all of the reasons. Us being friends made him doubt our breakup, so we couldn’t be.

And one last tip that should go without saying, you don’t have sex with your friends. ;)