Before I Knew

After graduation we went to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to celebrate my completion of high school and my transition into a self sufficient adult. The mood was celebratory with my extended family gathered around laughing and smiling. I was happy and proud of myself for making it through even with all the adversities but I was also sad. My mom was set to leave for North Carolina early the next morning. We had been together my whole life and it was a bit scary to think about what life separate from her would be like. I was scared about doing it on my own. I was also really excited to live my life the way I envisioned. I had a job and I planned to live in the apartment I grew up in. I also had a full-ride scholarship for my first two years of college. Everything was falling into place or so I thought.

A week or two into our new lives and things started to fall apart. I had trouble enrolling in classes, I hadn't heard from any friends or family since before graduation, and I was struggling to live off of what I made at work. On top of that, my stepfather had failed to pay the phone bill so our phones were off. So after an almost three-hour bus ride home from work, I would sit at the mall or Starbucks until they closed just so I could text my mom and go on Twitter. I'd sit there and watch the tourists smile and snap pictures of the Hollywood sign sometimes in matching outfits. “They look so happy to be here. I love my city and there is no place I would rather be but this is the first time I have felt this small and lost here.” I thought to myself while watching family members take turns posing in front of the sign.

After weeks of struggling to pay my rent without my mother's help as first planned plus the encroaching feeling of loneliness, I decided to move in with my mom and stepfather. Little did I know that the move would give rise to more loneliness and my second major depressive episode.

It started gradually with little instances here and there. Always beginning after a dose or two of liquid courage. “You’re a fatherless child!” he yelled through the other side of my door. “I see why your father didn't want you! I'm glad I'm not your father!” he continued. I thought to myself, “if this is what having a father is like I'm glad I didn't have one” while continuing to ignore his antics on the other side. Once while he was driving me to work he became enraged because he still owed me money that I had given him for gas so he could go to work. “What do you mean I still owe you money?! I gave you everything right there!” he bellowed as the smell of alcohol accompanied every word he spoke. “You asked me if this was everything you owed me and I told you that you owed me ten more dollars. It's not a big deal. This is fine.” I replied making sure he didn't hit anything. “Watch out! Please just let me out of this car!” I cry as he nearly hit a median in the mall parking lot while driving like a bat out of hell ranting and raving about money I never expected to get back in the first place. I wasn't paying attention to him as I was more focused on making it out of the car alive. I'm crying and shaking frantically trying to get ahold of my mother on the phone. Two calls back to back straight to voicemail so I call the The only other person I know who would have my back. “Nana! I can't get ahold of my mom and I'm scared that he's going to kill us in this car!” I force out through tears and a cracking voice. After calming me down my nana and I ended our call and he finally pulls over and lets me out. I rush from the opposite side of the mall to work to be late. I go straight to the bathroom to wash my face and try to shake off everything that just happened. That was the last time he gave me a ride to or from work.

My stepfather made living with him in that house a hell on Earth. From heckling me while I practiced, disconnecting the car battery so my mom couldn't pick me up from work, cutting the heat to my room in the winter to calling the cops for spilled water on a mattress he made that house somewhere I never wanted to be. I found ways to avoid going home. Going out with my coworkers was big. Spending five to six days at the restaurant helped too. I also quickly realized the real reason people drink, to forget. I also established some pretty toxic relationships just to get out of the house. I became entangled with a coworker who was too old for me and had his own complicated life and I dated an individual who was controlling and constantly threatened me with violence. Yelling at me for any little thing based on unfounded fears of disloyalty. He was crazy and dumb enough to point a loaded gun at me for fun.

I felt like a fragment of myself when I was with him. I didn't see it then but I was numb all the time. The seed of depression that was sowed when I had to leave home had grown and taken root. I had plans to leave for college in South Carolina and I looked forward to getting far away from my stepfather. I believed that being away would help me forget and start to get my life back. I just didn't realize that the nightmare wouldn't end with leaving my stepfather’s house.