Be gentle with yourself

A mindset of gentle creation

When I started on my journey of self-improvement, all I kept seeing was the culture of grinding and hustling. I’m all for working hard, but, I’ll be honest with you: I don’t like either the concept of grinding or hustling.

Whenever the notion of hustling culture is encouraged, it makes me feel uncomfortable— I don’t like the aggressiveness implied in the word.

As a non-native English speaker (English is my third language after French and Russian), I looked up the meaning of the word the first time I’ve read it and the translation in French was ‘bousculer’ and ‘presser’ which means to shove and/or to push.

I don’t like the idea it promotes: like you have to push others out of your way. I know that it means to push yourself, and even then, I don’t really agree with this.

Yes, you need to push yourself, but it has to come from a place of love, not of competition or a sense of proving that you’re better than others.

It needs to be genuine and sincere.

So I decided to focus on the enlivening aspect of achieving goals. Whenever I’m happy about some accomplishment, no matter how small, I let this joy motivate me, propel me forward. Uplift me to do better.

This beautiful energy gives my wings the strength to soar high.

The second word I don’t agree with is: to grind, which means to reduce something to small particles or to crush it into powder.

I do not agree with the underlying concept of destruction. This idea that we need to destroy something in order to achieve our goals. On the contrary, be soft. Be gentle. Build up. Create. Strengthen. Raise.

Why seeking to destroy when you can edify your goals, instead?

Those are powerful words for me. Words that encourage a mindset of positivity and growth.

A mindset free of guilt and shame

Another thing I found myself uncomfortable with in the field of self-improvement is the notion of guilt.

The popular advice I would always find was focused on consistent productivity, and it made me feel guilty. I had the impression the self-help goal was to make you feel guilty for the wasted opportunities and unproductive days, and the guilt should then magically push you to be suddenly productive.

While I agree with the idea that we should cherish each day, it can be also very overwhelming to be constantly productive. I do not agree with the extremes of this practice. The self-help gurus make it seem that if you are not working daily on your goals with a ferocious tenacity, your chances of achieving something are nill.

I found that whenever I would beat myself up about some deadlines I have missed or some tasks I didn’t accomplish, I would go on a tangent of feeling horrible about myself which in turn would prevent me from being productive and motivated even more.

I let the guilt assuage me and eat at my confidence until I no longer trusted myself with anything.

It took me a long time to understand that struggling with low self-esteem was something I was putting myself into. It’s normal to feel insecure and have doubts. We’re all humans.

But you can’t keep feeding that monster. At one point, you need to tell yourself: ‘Enough is enough. I am better than that, and I am going to prove to myself that I can do it.’

I started with small goals. Instead of overwhelming myself with huge goals and insurmountable tasks: like I will complete my book by the end of the month — what made me believe that specific month would be any different than the previous ones, I don’t know, but I kept deluding myself.

I changed my mentality by starting small. Instead of saying I have to finish this book, I started telling myself: ‘today, I will write one small scene.’ I will sit down at my computer with a notebook to jot down ideas and I’ll tell myself only five minutes.

Before I knew it, the five minutes turned to twenty minutes.

Of course, having a short attention span, I would then check my phone or browse YouTube. Then, I would tell myself: ‘okay, another small, five minutes. You can do it, I know you can.’

Slowly, I got better. By taking small steps. Making tiny changes. I worked in small segments. Before even knowing about the Pomodoro technique, I had started to implement it.

The result? I was able to complete the first draft of my novel, and I am currently rewriting the second draft.

Am I always perfectly focused on my writing? No. But at least I’m writing every day. Even if it’s for a miserly five minutes. But they go a long way in the long run.

A mindset of growth, not perfection

I used to use the pretext of having a full-time job to not work on my novel. I would tell myself I’m too tired today, I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow would become next month, then next year, and I had no progress.

The rare times I would sit down to write, I was dissatisfied with the quality of my writing, and it would discourage me from writing more. It was a never-ending cycle.

But, slowly, I realized that not doing the things I love made me feel worse as time went by than not trying anything.

I was feeling useless and like I was wasting my life away just because I kept fear holding me back. I told myself that it is better to try and fail, than not to try at all.

I already regret the years gone by, but I’m grateful for the time I have now. We can never get back the time we lost, but we can always make the best of the time that is left ahead.

Fear has a debilitating ability to paralyze us into inaction. It is easier to hide and pretend we don’t care than to actually fight for what you want. After all, who wants to feel like a failure?

It’s okay to be afraid of failure. It’s okay to not always measure up. It’s okay to stumble and fall.

But it’s not okay to accept failure as your fate. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

It won’t get easier, it will always be hard, but, with time, with each new step, you will get stronger. Trust me.

To be able to keep the momentum, take the time to acknowledge your progress. Set up small goals, and before you know it, you will have reached a milestone.

Take the time to celebrate your milestones. To congratulate yourself. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder and bask in the feeling of fulfillment. Then, put it behind you, and with new strength, attack the next goal on your list.

I have noticed my results, and while I am still far from where I want to be and there are days I struggle more than others, I still view each tiny step forward as progress and achievement.

I give myself praise when deserved, but I also analyze what went wrong when I don’t accomplish the things I set out to do. This creates a healthy balance between the goals I’ve completed and those I still need to achieve.

Every now and then, take the time to look back and realize how far you’ve come. How far you’ve made it, despite all the odds and the obstacles. Be proud of yourself for making it this far, for not giving up. For believing in yourself enough to follow your dreams.

Thank you for reading.

Bahora Saitova