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Traveling with Depression: A Series

By Tabitha WhitePublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Lately I've been feeling so many things at once it’s like I've been spinning for a week straight. I haven't had the energy to write or even come up with anything to write about. Mostly because after six weeks of not working, I went back to work. It's been a wonderful experience so far though, as exhausted as I am, I feel good about my decision to go back. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I wasn't feeling before.

A week ago I was panicking, wondering if I would ever find a job that I could handle and wouldn't put me right back where I was a month and a half ago when I was working full time. It was down to two jobs, and honestly neither one appealed to me. I did have excitement for one, but it was a full-time 9 to 5 kind of deal, and I didn't fancy working past five pm every day. The other was a job that would bring me daily contact with the public, never knowing who would walk through the door. I didn’t want either job, honestly. I didn’t want to go back to work. I can't tell you how many break downs I had over it. Then I got a phone call from my Director of Nursing at Summers Pointe. They had an employee quit last minute and needed someone to take her spot. Here's the thing. I wouldn't be doing what I was doing before. I had been the Business suffice Manager and Activities Director for over a year and a half but it wasn't for that position. It would be as a Home Health Aide on the floor. Full time hours if I didn’t mind doing both first and second shift.

I went in and talked with the administrator and DON and they both were so kind and nice about the whole thing. They worked with me on the days I could pick up and the shift that I wanted. It was a dream come true. Now I'm working, doing what I was doing before I took over the BOM and Activities, and I couldn't be happier. I feel a sense if pride for the work I do and I feel wonderful everything I make a resident smile or laugh. It’s truly fulfilling work. Bonus, I’m not working full-time, and no one is giving me hell for it.

It's hard, don't get me wrong. My body was used to not really doing physical work, lifting and transferring, being on my feet all day, but I’m adjusting little by little. I'm meeting my step goal more often and even adopting healthier habits. I was so nervous at first, going back into it, getting back on the floor. I didn’t know what to expect out of myself or the job itself. Even though I had done the work before, we are living in the age of Covid now and things aren't the same as they were before. Luckily, the building is Covid free, both residents and staff healthy.

How’s my mental health you may ask? It has taken a couple hits. Things are not perfect and I'm not magically all better just because my job is less stressful, and I am happier. I found out this week that since I lost my insurance, I won't be able to attend my weekly therapy sessions like I have been for the past five months. I've had to drop them down to once a month, and the prospect of not having those sessions each week triggered another breakdown. I had to tell myself it's not the end of the world and hopefully it's only temporary. So, my mental health could be better, but I've still got my support system backing me and I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm building better relationships with the people I love, honestly and openly sharing with them in ways I haven't before. I'm reaching out, where before I wasn't. Despite the problems I'm facing, I feel happier and so thankful for everything in my life. Things may not always turn out the way I think they will, but I like to think they work out for my favor in the end if I just take the time to appreciate what I have. Thank you to all those that have reached out to me over the last few months, both praising me and thanking me for writing like I am. I never imagined I could actually achieve my goal of helping others, but it seems I already am and that gives me strength to keep going like I am and tackling every obstacle that comes my way. I hope you all will do the same. We’ve got this!

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