Are You Using the Right Type of Listening to Improve Your Relationships?

Nothing can be more frustrating than someone who has tuned you out. The person who truly listens creates a tremendous impact in the lives of others.

Effective communicators get that way because of their ability to listen. Good listeners tend to be more understanding, empathetic, and caring. They are teachers, nurturers, and healers.

But there are several types of listening. What are a few of them, and how can they improve how you interact with the world?

The first two types of basic listening are discriminative and comprehensive listening. Discriminative listening is pretty simple: it’s what determines the specific thing you are listening to.

This helps us to focus on one sound and drown out others. This is why you’re able to hear the doorbell even if you’re watching TV with a bunch of noisy friends.

Comprehensive listening is the next step up. This is simply listening to understand. Comprehensive listening is what you’re doing when you’re sitting in a classroom and understanding what’s being taught.

The next types of listening are higher forms and have more of an impact on how you interact with the world. The International Journal of Listening says that the style of listening we use most may be because of biological or physiological differences.

It’s important to get an understanding of each and see how they may or may not improve how you communicate with others.

Appreciative Listening

With this type of listening, you begin to appreciate what you’re hearing. This is most obvious with music. It doesn’t matter the type of music — all that matters is that you connect with it and feel something through it.

We need appreciative listening as it allows us to enjoy life more. It gives us joy whether it’s from classical music, or just hearing sounds in nature.

This is another significant reason to get out into nature: it may be beneficial for our health. Just hearing the sounds of the outdoors can have a calming effect on the body, and reduce stress and anxiety.

A study in Perioperative Medicine found that natural sounds can be used as a way to reduce anxiety in patients before surgery.

Also, The National Trust found that even just hearing birds and rustling leaves can increase relaxation by 30%.

Therapeutic Listening

Just as the name implies, this is one of the most valuable forms of listening. This is a critical form of listening to bond and connect with others.

Therapeutic listening allows you to help people. It lets you assist someone through their issues and problems. Using this type of listening helps to give others a real therapy session. You can be a sounding board and they can share their emotions.

Therapeutic listening doesn’t have to be limited to being someone's counselor; it can also help people learn and develop. Managers, bosses, coaches, and trainers can use this type of listening to help others grow and improve their skills and abilities.

Passive Listening

Here we have the complete opposite to the therapeutic listener. The passive listener is the one who is not tuned in. These people don’t have the ability to properly listen — or hear — what you’re saying.

Passive listening is the easiest to spot. The listener is disinterested, doesn’t keep eye contact, and is easily distracted. These listeners are everywhere — including our friends and family.

It’s not that they are hurtful, they just don’t have a higher level of listening.

Whereas some people haven’t developed emotional intelligence, others just do not listen. As referenced at the start of the article; this may come down to biological or physical factors.

Regardless, passive listeners are extremely frustrating — and you can probably picture a few examples from your own life. They can have skills in other areas, but you may want to look for someone else to open up to with these types of listeners.

Competitive Listening

You can probably picture someone in your life who does this before we even look deeper into it. The competitive listener has to always one-up you.

The thing is, they are usually skilled listeners — and active listeners — but this is only so they can chime in.

The competitive listener just wants to bring themselves into the story. This is what I mean in that they are very good active listeners. They are actually absorbing every single thing you have to say — but it’s only so they know precisely when they can take over.

They have trouble not relating everything back to them and their own experiences. Competitive listeners have to bring in their own stories and anecdotes to outdo you.

I know I’ve been guilty of this. I’ve tried to make myself aware of when I’m doing it. During conversations, we probably all think in this way from time to time as it’s natural to want to be involved. To be a better listener means letting those competitive thoughts occur — but not acting on them.

This can take practice, but I’ve found it’s a skill you can develop. It’s as simple as biting your tongue and waiting for more appropriate times to chime in with your own experiences.

Competitive listening is tough as it feels like what you are sharing is showing that you understand and relate. This may be true, but the timing of it is critical. When someone needs to be heard, it can be frustrating when you keep trying to hijack the conversation.

Combative Listening

This is one we are all guilty of. Unfortunately, it seems like it’s become the preferred type of listening. Competitive listeners can be frustrating, but not as bad as combative listeners.

Again, this is a very active form of listening, but that’s only to look for any chance of confrontation. These are people who just want to argue. They pay very close attention to every word, but only so they can challenge you on it.

This type of listening refuses to understand what you’re saying and is more interested in being combative. They’re waiting to hear the right trigger words so that they can go on the attack.

Critical Listening

Critical listening is crucial so you can sort through vast amounts of information. This is the type of listening needed to wade through research, politics, science, and any reports we hear.

Critical listening makes you ask questions. It may be things like “am I hearing both sides of the story,” “is this valid information,” or “am I getting all the facts?”

Critical listening has been imperative because of the amount of news and information we are bombarded with daily.

With so much misinformation, It’s become harder to understand what the actual truth is anymore. Critical listening is more important than ever.

We need critical listening to protect ourselves. We need it to siphon out dangerous or harmful information. And we need it to make informed decisions.

Final Thoughts

Listening may seem passive, but it’s an active skill. Fortunately, it’s a skill that can be built up. Understanding the different types of listening can give us some insight into which one we tend to defer to.

The goal is to be an appreciative, critical and therapeutic listener. But we all rotate through several types. Hopefully, you’ll be able to identify these types of listening in yourself and others.

Becoming a better communicator means being constantly aware — and a big part of that is listening. It’s also important to take a genuine look at the way we listen to see if we’re improving the lives of others or causing more heartache.

The best communicators I know realize when to sit back and listen, and the right time to engage. It’s so easy to not feel heard, and being someone who truly hears what people are saying can go a long way in building better relationships.